Struggling With the Transition

[stripedangel]

thanks for your caring reply, jeanne. i'm sorry to be so far down here. i thought i was doing fairly well, but i guess i'm not, at least at this part. it truly does feel like my heart is ripping out of my chest, though. i don't feel that i've been around long enough to beg this much support or knowledge from everyone. Thank you. i really want to fix it, but i'm afraid of what ...i don't know at this point what i'm afraid of exactly, other than losing the one that's meant the most to me...

how does one make up their mind to be submissive and fall short so often? what's wrong with me?

those, of course, are rhetorical, i know the WHAT...the HOW is where my problem lies. If you're meant to be Dom, it's easy to grasp. i feel like i'm meant to be submissive, but letting go of every aspect and allowing someone else to take the wheel on the big issues seems to be just beyond my reach. i can't seem to touch it every time...only some of the time. five weekends ruined.......by lil ole me. What a great certificate that would be. Certified in fucking it all up.

[Euryleia]

<snip> how does one make up their mind to be submissive and fall short so often? what's wrong with me?

those, of course, are rhetorical, i know the WHAT...the HOW is where my problem lies. If you're meant to be Dom, it's easy to grasp. i feel like i'm meant to be submissive, but letting go of every aspect and allowing someone else to take the wheel on the big issues seems to be just beyond my reach. i can't seem to touch it every time...only some of the time. five weekends ruined.......by lil ole me. What a great certificate that would be. Certified in fucking it all up.

I don't think that there is anything wrong with you, stripedangel. It can be very hard to turn your thoughts to service and submission, especially when you're dealing with all the same stresses and strains of life prior to adding the D/s element. Perhaps you need to start with smaller tasks and then move on to the big issues. Let yourself feel the success of turning over the decisions on what you wear, for example, and then leverage that to further aspects of control. However, don't think that just because you took the collar that you have been freed from all responsibility.

I say time and again that subs aren't doormats. Neither are they passive. You can't just wait to be dominated (although you might have to wait for permission lol). There are hundreds of things a day that you can do to reinforce your submission.

There was an interesting thread at the beginning of the year (check it out here) where Flaming Redhead reflected on slave rules and her goals for the coming year. I'm not saying that is anyway how your relationship should be (I know mine isn't) but it shows you what truly reflecting about your submission can reveal to you.

As delia said: "Take each seperate thing that you can think of that makes up your "world"--for instance, when you get up in the morning, what are the expectations? What about when you come home from work at night?"

Regards, ER

[stripedangel]

There was an interesting thread at the beginning of the year (check it out here) where Flaming Redhead reflected on slave rules and her goals for the coming year. I'm not saying that is anyway how your relationship should be (I know mine isn't) but it shows you what truly reflecting about your submission can reveal to you.

Thanks Eurelia! i have read the first one, and will be back for more, and might post my own diaries, if Master permits, in order to help others who might be dealing with similar issues in the future.

And from one redhead to another.........i'm frikkin impressed. Flaming Redhead, your writing skills are wonderful and i love the way you've put all of that! Thanks.