Do you have to balance vanilla & non?

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05-04-2010
nawteeone

Do you have to balance vanilla & non?

I suppose at this stage of the game I should know what "non vanilla" is, but have never heard it referred to as chocolate. :rolleyes: Although I do like to think that if most people are vanilla, I'm likely chocolate with cinnamon. :wave:

Anywho.....what I'm wondering is if there are other subs out there who find themselves balancing the two, in whatever form. Say you're in a relationship with someone who just doesn't "get it" and then you accidentally find yourself in cahoots with someone who totally and completely does.

Anyone? I'm in an impossible situation, and just wondering if anyone can relate.
05-04-2010
denuseri

That all depends on just what specific "impossible" situation it is that you are talking about I suppose.

Are you saying you are currenttly in a vanila relationship but want, or have, played and or cheated (if committed in mognogamy with the nilla) with a kinkster you have come across in the meantime.

If the vanila relationship a marriage?

Is the affair (if any) in real life or just some online daliance?

All these questions and more have a lot to do with what your reaching for or not.
05-04-2010
Jennifer Williams

This is the simple age-old question, "I am with person A. They lack this quality person B has. Now I have to weigh all the factors and make a choice between person A or B."

There are about a billion love stories and movies about this question because it is a common thing that almost all of us have to face at some point in our lives. And nobody can tell you which choice to make, whether it be one over the other, both of them (though without full knowledge for all parties involved this may not be moral), or neither, and in the end everyone has a unique solution they choose that is right for their situation.

And it ain't an easy choice most times, I tell ya.
05-05-2010
nawteeone

I got myself into a mess, is all. But then, it's not like you can HELP who you fall in love with, IMO. I just happened to fall for a guy who was unavailable. I certainly wasn't going to stay single my whole life because I couldn't have the man I wanted. But now (10 years later) I'm thinking that way back then I should have voiced my feelings better, and made a claim of sorts. What good is it now for both of us to be with people we don't want to be with, but stay with because of our kids, and a sense of responsibility? (we are both the breadwinners, so to break up with our spouses would also mean putting them in really bad financial situations, and basically shirking our duties.)

*sigh*

What if the person who is your soul mate can never be fully yours? How do you settle for what you have and be happy with it?

FWIW, it goes way beyond the D/s issue. Part of why we have explored that is because we relate so well on every other level, that we were comfortable to go there in the first place. It's like peanut butter & chocolate.
05-05-2010
denuseri

I shall pray that you both find an equitable and wise solution to your delima.
05-05-2010
flying66

well there are many people who have been in similar situations, whether bdsm related or not. There's never a 'right' answer for this sort of thing because whatever you choose to do, someone will be hurt, whether it's you, your spouse, your kids, who you want to be with etc. etc.

We can't tell you what to do, it's something you have to figure out on your own. It's a sticky situation and no one here wants to be the catalyst if everything goes awol because you took their 'advice'.

Play the 'what if' game... because no decisions have been reached yet, it's best to do that now. What if you left your current spouse? Would your other also leave his spouse? What sorts of complication would arise with your kids? How they take it will depend on their ages etc. etc. there's a lot to think about and making sure you think of the possibilities beforehand.
05-05-2010
Jennifer Williams

Quote:

What if the person who is your soul mate can never be fully yours? How do you settle for what you have and be happy with it?

Also keep in mind the things you do have that you may lose if you change your situation. Sometimes it's easy to forget how much you do have when you have it every day...until it's gone. Sometimes it's worth it; sometimes it isn't.

Sometimes just waiting and seeing is the best option; time might provide a clearer answer.
05-06-2010
nawteeone

Thanks, sorry I digressed and turned it into a shrink visit. To be honest, when I started the post, I simply wondered if anyone out there was balancing the 2, you know, some people have "online' relationships that maybe their spouses don't know about, so they have on one side an outlet for their desires, but on the other, a "vanilla" partner IRL.

I find I have absolutely no interest in sex with DH anymore, and I see that as an obvious problem.
05-06-2010
denuseri

DH being who? Your vanilla real life partner?

And are you saying the bdsm relationship with the guy who has the kids etc, is an online one?
05-06-2010
flying66

Quote:

Originally Posted by nawteeone

Thanks, sorry I digressed and turned it into a shrink visit. To be honest, when I started the post, I simply wondered if anyone out there was balancing the 2, you know, some people have "online' relationships that maybe their spouses don't know about, so they have on one side an outlet for their desires, but on the other, a "vanilla" partner IRL.

I find I have absolutely no interest in sex with DH anymore, and I see that as an obvious problem.

Ok well, that changes stuff up a bit. Yes there are people who have online Doms or subs to satisfy the D/s need in their life and have a vanilla partner irl and among these people, there are those who choose to have their vanilla partner in-the-know and those that keep it a secret.

I believe the general consensus is that it is unethical not to have your vanilla partner know that you have a D/s relationship with someone else (online or not, physical or mental) as a lot of people consider this an affair.

I don't know your situation with your spouse... like whether you are happy in your marriage or you feel like you've lost site of why you got together in the first place, if you are staying because of responsibilities to your children or if you went looking for a D/s relationship because you didn't want to talk to your spouse about D/s.

If it's just the D/s that seems to be missing from your spouse, I'd suggest talking to him about it and introducing the idea and starting with some light stuff you might want to try like blindfolds or something.

If it's not just the D/s then I really don't know what to tell you.
05-07-2010
nawteeone

Thanks again, for the input. I have tried with the spouse, but I think the issue is that it isn't in his nature, you know? A guy either has that Dom thing down, or doesn't. He knows that I like, but when he tries, it comes off as....ugh, something not good!

Anywho, I made my bed, and I'm gonna lie in it for a little while longer.:28:
05-25-2010
openyoureyes

I'm on the flip side of things. My last long term relationship (that ended in marriage, and finally divorce) was very vanilla. Then again, I'd consider myself fairly vanilla compared with my current boyfriend. I joked with him that it was like the only ice cream flavor I'd had was vanilla, and he's tried every flavor at Baskin Robbins. :p

But I think there are different levels. I may be vanilla to my current boyfriend, but to my ex I was a 'freak'. In my situation with the ex, once I knew how he felt, I tried to downplay the importance of my desires until I forgot they existed. This is not something I would recommend as I ended up just resenting him in other areas of our relationship. If you're married and have children, I understand that you feel obligated to stay, even at the risk of your own happiness. I didn't have children with my ex-husband, but I stayed with him long after I stopped being happy and eventually our relationship unraveled anyway. Don't stay with someone out of obligation or guilt.

That said, I assume you've tried talking to him one on one, explaining what it is you like and why and trying to figure out what he likes and why. But, have you considered talking together with a third party? Therapy could be a good idea, but you could also try to see if he'd be interested in reading through the threads on this forum, or reading stories and seeing if anything really sparks an interest. Or...you could see if he would want to be there while you did an online session with another Dom. He could see first hand what it's like, how you react, etc. Or on the flip side, you could try to get him to do an online session with a sub and see if he opens up more in that type of setting. Or have him do an online session with you...be in different rooms, or even different places. For instance, what if you went to bread co or another place with free WiFi while he stayed at home? From personal experience, I find it much easier to open up about fantasies/desires when the person isn't sitting right next to me.
05-27-2010
IAN 2411

Quote:

Originally Posted by nawteeone

I suppose at this stage of the game I should know what "non vanilla" is, but have never heard it referred to as chocolate. :rolleyes: Although I do like to think that if most people are vanilla, I'm likely chocolate with cinnamon. :wave:

Anywho.....what I'm wondering is if there are other subs out there who find themselves balancing the two, in whatever form. Say you're in a relationship with someone who just doesn't "get it" and then you accidentally find yourself in cahoots with someone who totally and completely does.

I have noticed that all the posts are from the female subs and don’t think for one minute that I am a male chauvinist. But do you mean by “get it” he is not into BDSM and cannot Dom you, if it is then good god it is the crime of the century lets all leave our spouses.

Quote:

Originally Posted by nawteeone

Anyone? I'm in an impossible situation, and just wondering if anyone can relate.

What is impossible about the situation, it is no more different that millions of other married couples throughout the world go through, whether BDSM or vanilla.

Quote:

Originally Posted by nawteeone

I got myself into a mess, is all. But then, it's not like you can HELP who you fall in love with, IMO. I just happened to fall for a guy who was unavailable. I certainly wasn't going to stay single my whole life because I couldn't have the man I wanted. But now (10 years later) I'm thinking that way back then I should have voiced my feelings better, and made a claim of sorts. What good is it now for both of us to be with people we don't want to be with, but stay with because of our kids, and a sense of responsibility? (we are both the breadwinners, so to break up with our spouses would also mean putting them in really bad financial situations, and basically shirking our duties.)

*sigh*

I have never heard of it being called shirking your duties when breaking up a marriage because you both have the hot’s for each other, its morally wrong and desertion.

Quote:

Originally Posted by nawteeone

What if the person who is your soul mate can never be fully yours? How do you settle for what you have and be happy with it?

Where does all this soul mate crap come from? My daughter found her soul mate and she was going to marry him, he damn near killed her. She is now with a man that would die for her, talk about soul mates when you have been married thirty years.

Quote:

Originally Posted by nawteeone

FWIW, it goes way beyond the D/s issue. Part of why we have explored that is because we relate so well on every other level, that we were comfortable to go there in the first place. It's like peanut butter & chocolate.

It is either an o/l or r/l affair and it’s got damn all to do with peanut butter and chocolate.

Quote:

Originally Posted by nawteeone

Thanks, sorry I digressed and turned it into a shrink visit. To be honest, when I started the post, I simply wondered if anyone out there was balancing the 2, you know, some people have "online' relationships that maybe their spouses don't know about, so they have on one side an outlet for their desires, but on the other, a "vanilla" partner IRL.

I think the illusive words you’re looking for is betrayal, cheating and clandestine.

Quote:

Originally Posted by nawteeone

I find I have absolutely no interest in sex with DH anymore, and I see that as an obvious problem.

That is probably because you have this other person on your mind and that is your only problem, get him out of your mind and instead of giving in to childish fantasies start to work on your real marriage.

Quote:

Originally Posted by nawteeone

Thanks again, for the input. I have tried with the spouse, but I think the issue is that it isn't in his nature, you know? A guy either has that Dom thing down, or doesn't. He knows that I like, but when he tries, it comes off as....ugh, something not good!

Anywho, I made my bed, and I'm gonna lie in it for a little while longer.:28:

Good for you, because all you know is that the other person might want out of his marraige because he is just fed up with his spouse. He could be telling you a load of crap about Doming you, and another ten years down the line are you going to change partners again because his love is as rusty as the suspension in a used car? Keep with the devil you know and change him to the devil you want. It’s called perseverance.

Regards ian 2411
05-27-2010
openyoureyes

Quote:

Originally Posted by ian 2411

Good for you, because all you know is that the other person might want out of his marraige because he is just fed up with his spouse. He could be telling you a load of crap about Doming you, and another ten years down the line are you going to change partners again because his love is as rusty as the suspension in a used car? Keep with the devil you know and change him to the devil you want. It’s called perseverance.

Regards ian 2411

This is a little harsh, don't you think?

Are we all supposed to just stay with who we're with because, what, we know their quirks and shortcomings? We are all human, capable of mistakes, capable of changing and warping into different people. The person you started your relationship with may not be the same person you end up with.

Yes, if she's cheating on her husband, whether online or otherwise, she's going to have to live with that decision. But that doesn't mean she should stay with the person she's married to if she's no longer happy with him (as he's probably not very happy either), purely out of obligation or a fear that the person she leaves him for may down-the-road, leave her. We should stay with people, work on relationships/marriages, if we still truly love the person we're with and want to work through our problems rather than mask them. But I can tell you from experience that staying with someone out of obligation, guilt, or fear, is not going to end up doing anything but causing more pain.
05-27-2010
nawteeone

Wow, I think I hit a nerve in ian 2411 ;)

I ruminate a lot on things. This particular subject was just on the forefront of my mind for a while. Ultimately, I'm married to the wrong guy. But that doesn't mean on a non-sexual level I'm not willing to do everything I can to make it work. I've even suggested counseling. Sexually? He just isn't who I need or want, and never will be.

It's a shame that people feel the need to pair up & get married in their early/mid twenties, because when I look back, I didn't even really know who I was back then, much less what I wanted in a partner. That has come with age.

I don't believe in "soul mates" myself, so I guess that was a bad choice of words, but I was kind of going for the hypothetical there. I mean, truly, you would have to meet EVERY SINGLE PERSON ON EARTH practically to find the one who without a doubt is the best match for you.

Maybe that was my real question, as it seems there is a lot of online BDSM stuff out there, and I have a feeling that many people who partake of those sites don't always tell their significant other what they are up to, not in an effort to be sneaky, but because after the fact they realized that they were not willing to push their true feelings aside anymore.

As for being married 30 years, well, I'm halfway there. :28: :p
05-27-2010
IAN 2411

Quote:

Originally Posted by openyoureyes

But that doesn't mean she should stay with the person she's married to if she's no longer happy with him (as he's probably not very happy either), purely out of obligation or a fear that the person she leaves him for may down-the-road, leave her.

Your obligation is not what is good or right for you or your husband but what is right for your children, and in a marriage inclusive of children the children’s whole being takes priority.

Just tell me what you think the point in getting married was in the first place, so that somewhere down the line you can dump the woman/man that you are with because the new modal lives down the road.

Or maybe because [nawteeone] says, she didn’t want to be the only ship left on the ocean so any port in a storm will do even though it was not the port she wanted to dock in.

Quote:

Originally Posted by openyoureyes

We should stay with people, work on relationships/marriages, if we still truly love the person we're with and want to work through our problems rather than mask them. But I can tell you from experience that staying with someone out of obligation, guilt, or fear, is not going to end up doing anything but causing more pain.

I never said mask over problems i said work on them.

It is a fact that you should never relate to others what happened to you, because the consequences are very rarely the same. Even if the run up to the problems were the same the outcome could be the complete opposite of your own.

Quote:

Originally Posted by nawteeone

Wow, I think I hit a nerve in ian 2411 ;)

Yes you did

Quote:

Originally Posted by nawteeone

I ruminate a lot on things. This particular subject was just on the forefront of my mind for a while. Ultimately, I'm married to the wrong guy. But that doesn't mean on a non-sexual level I'm not willing to do everything I can to make it work. I've even suggested counseling. Sexually? He just isn't who I need or want, and never will be.

What your saying is that you won’t go that extra half mile, have you ever thought in your wildest dreams that it is you that might not be turning him on. Maybe he is to frightened of you to tell you what his real needs are, he might just have a kink that you don’t know about. Why is it always the man that is fucked up with sex, it is never the woman, is it because they are the sexual elite? I think not.

Before you go pointing the finger at me, i was married to my Mistress for thirty years and if she was not satisfied a long time before me then i went without for a long time, and i only ever did it once. We had four girls and they came first, and they came before me in my Mistresses eyes, and that is how it should be.

Quote:

Originally Posted by nawteeone

It's a shame that people feel the need to pair up & get married in their early/mid twenties, because when I look back, I didn't even really know who I was back then, much less what I wanted in a partner. That has come with age.

My Mistress was 22 when i Married her and i knew all the pain she could give me in the 4 years i was with her beforehand. I was 11 years her senior so age don’t mean a thing.

Quote:

Originally Posted by nawteeone

As for being married 30 years, well, I'm halfway there. :28: :p

But do as you’re talking about and you’ll never see a 30 year marriage of your own.

Regards ian 2411
05-27-2010
openyoureyes

Quote:

Originally Posted by ian 2411

Your obligation is not what is good or right for you or your husband but what is right for your children, and in a marriage inclusive of children the children’s whole being takes priority.

Do you honestly think it is in a child's best interest to be in a family where the parents stay unhappily married? I know how badly this can end. One of my closest friends was completely sideswiped when his parents split after he moved out of the house. Apparently they made an agreement to stay together for him, but once he moved out they were allowed to go their separate ways. He was devastated and felt completely betrayed and to this day (4 years later) he will not even speak to his father.

Granted this is an extreme, but come on now, staying together is not always what's best for the children involved.

Quote:

Originally Posted by ian 2411

Just tell me what you think the point in getting married was in the first place, so that somewhere down the line you can dump the woman/man that you are with because the new modal lives down the road.

The point of getting married is to be with someone who you deeply love and want to spend your life with. That doesn't mean that person can't change into someone else. In my situation, my husband stopped coming home, developed a close relationship with another woman, and didn't understand why I would be upset by this, or maybe was just too oblivious to care. I spent months trying to fix things, but when you're the only one trying there isn't much else you can do. So yes, when my husband told me he "fell in love" with another woman, I told him to pack his bags and get out of the house. Even after that, I still took him back when he said he wanted to work on things and promised me he would make it up to me. Which he apparently thought meant continuing his "friendship" with the other woman, continuing to ignore and fight with me about "what else I would take away from him" (besides his g/f), and eventually, yes, I kicked him out of the house again and we got a divorce.

I didn't get married expecting that the person I was in love with was going to turn out to be neglectful and spiteful. Nor did I realize after the split he was going to tell me he never wanted to get married (why propose then?), never wanted kids (deal breaker for me), and thought that I was a freak for any number of 'odd' things I liked and/or did. Was I supposed to stay married to him? Granted, no, I didn't have kids (of which I am insanely grateful for), but even if I'd had kids, I don't think it would have been fair to me, or to them for me to stay.

I realize the situation in this thread is very different from my own, but the point is the same that you can't just blanket-apply your feelings to say that all married people should stay married, or all people with kids should stay married. Every situation is unique, every person is unique, we are allowed to want what is best for us; we are allowed to want to be happy.
05-27-2010
IAN 2411

Quote:

Originally Posted by openyoureyes

Do you honestly think it is in a child's best interest to be in a family where the parents stay unhappily married?

I never said that, you have misread my meaning; I said that the children’s interest must come first over the parents. It is obvious to all that if there is a serious breakdown of communication or there is violence or even child abuse then it is in the interest of all to split. However, the one we are talking about is by what [nawteeone] is saying sexual and I can’t believe that any man goes from a healthy sexual appetite to nothing without a damn good reason.

Quote:

Originally Posted by openyoureyes

The point of getting married is to be with someone who you deeply love and want to spend your life with.

Quote:

Originally Posted by nawteeone

I just happened to fall for a guy who was unavailable. I certainly wasn't going to stay single my whole life because I couldn't have the man I wanted.

Then if that is true and [nawteeone] married for the reason you gave and the problem is only sexual then it must be worth the extra half mile to find out what the hell is wrong.

Quote:

Originally Posted by openyoureyes

Every situation is unique, every person is unique, we are allowed to want what is best for us; we are allowed to want to be happy.

But not until all else has failed and unless you go that extra half mile you will never know what you might have thrown down the toilet.

My comments are written with respect to the person posting the questions and there is nothing personal meant.

Regards ian 2411
05-27-2010
openyoureyes

Quote:

Originally Posted by ian 2411

I never said that, you have misread my meaning; I said that the children’s interest must come first over the parents. It is obvious to all that if there is a serious breakdown of communication or there is violence or even child abuse then it is in the interest of all to split. However, the one we are talking about is by what [nawteeone] is saying sexual and I can’t believe that any man goes from a healthy sexual appetite to nothing without a damn good reason.

I agree, before throwing in the towel on a marriage or looking to someone else to meet your needs, you should exhaust all possibilities with the person you're with. I think I took too much to heart what you said, as it very much hit a nerve with me. In my own personal situation I felt that I did everything I could before I finally decided I just couldn't do it anymore. I still struggle with the guilt from that decision, so I apologize for my overreaction.
05-27-2010
nawteeone

Quote:

Originally Posted by ian 2411

What your saying is that you won’t go that extra half mile, have you ever thought in your wildest dreams that it is you that might not be turning him on. Maybe he is to frightened of you to tell you what his real needs are, he might just have a kink that you don’t know about. Why is it always the man that is fucked up with sex, it is never the woman, is it because they are the sexual elite? I think not.

Before you go pointing the finger at me, i was married to my Mistress for thirty years and if she was not satisfied a long time before me then i went without for a long time, and i only ever did it once. We had four girls and they came first, and they came before me in my Mistresses eyes, and that is how it should be.

My kids come first always. It's for their sake I stay with their dad. IMO I'm in this marriage until the youngest is 18, and that's a long way away. Hopefully after that, we can part ways amicably. Despite what might be coming across, I am a non-selfish person who puts others first 99.9% of the time. No one "on the outside" would think there is anything off with my relationship. I realize putting things out there for complete strangers opens one up for attack; again, it was just something on my mind that I shared at that moment in time, and have no regrets doing.

I WISH I weren't turning him on. I WISH he would see what I see, and listen to what i SAY (because trust me, I HAVE voiced my feelings to him); and at the very least I wish we could be on the same page and call a spade a spade. We can be "co-parents" and have a platonic relationship. Trust me when i say, there IS someone better for him out there. Better suited for him, anyway.

Oh, and I very rarely point fingers. Or judge. Your life is yours to live, do what you want.
05-27-2010
openyoureyes

Quote:

Originally Posted by nawteeone

My kids come first always. It's for their sake I stay with their dad. IMO I'm in this marriage until the youngest is 18, and that's a long way away. Hopefully after that, we can part ways amicably. .

Please, please, PLEASE, be careful with this. If you read my post, one of my closest friends had this happen to him. His parents agreed to stay together until he moved out of the house and when they did part ways, it was not pretty. My friend felt betrayed and was horrified when his parents told him it was something they'd planned. He felt like his whole childhood was a lie and he strongly resented them for it. Even now, 4 years later, he will not speak to his father at all. He also refuses to ever get married, he says because of this experience.

This is a very fragile issue and I wish you only the best of luck dealing with this, but please consider every possibility as I hate to see what happened to my friend happen to someone else.
05-27-2010
IAN 2411

Quote:

Originally Posted by openyoureyes

Please, please, PLEASE, be careful with this. If you read my post, one of my closest friends had this happen to him. His parents agreed to stay together until he moved out of the house and when they did part ways, it was not pretty. My friend felt betrayed and was horrified when his parents told him it was something they'd planned. He felt like his whole childhood was a lie and he strongly resented them for it. Even now, 4 years later, he will not speak to his father at all. He also refuses to ever get married, he says because of this experience.

This is a very fragile issue and I wish you only the best of luck dealing with this, but please consider every possibility as I hate to see what happened to my friend happen to someone else.

I have to agree with [openyoureyes] on that because if there is something wrong he should be open with it. That is what Maraige is all about trust and loyalty, and if he cannot trust you enough to tell you his problems then he should not expect your loyalty. you have to put your cards on the table and tell him the bottom line. If he still gives you a daft look then you tell him you have needs and if he cannot give you them you will get it elsewhere. maybe it he that wants to be Dommed?

I wish you all the luck in the world [nawteeone] because whatever you choose is not going to be easy.

Regards ian2411
05-27-2010
Jennifer Williams

Quote:

Originally Posted by ian 2411

I have noticed that all the posts are from the female subs and don’t think for one minute that I am a male chauvinist.

Apparently I'm a sub now. :cool:

Quote:

Why is it always the man that is fucked up with sex, it is never the woman, is it because they are the sexual elite? I think not.

O_o :dunno:

In all seriousness, however, as a person who has been through it from the child's point of view, divorce sucks no matter when you do it. To me, the when is less important than the why.

Leaving your marriage to be with someone else is a risky reason, because that someone else may not be there. Ask yourself if that other person wasn't there, would still rather be alone than with your husband? If the answer is yes, you would be happier alone than with him, then divorce might seriously be considered. But if you're only leaving him to be with another, keep in mind the very real possibility that that second person may not seriously commit to you, either, and then you'll wind up alone.

The grass is always greener on the other side, and you don't know what you have till it's gone.

Oh, I should add that my mother never did find someone else to be with- and she is still grateful for her freedom from my very angry father, every day. So for her, divorce was the right choice. I can't possibly know which choice is better for you, so I'm just offering my opinion.
05-28-2010
IAN 2411

Jennifer Williams you have my sincere apologies for calling you a sub, it was a stupid mistake.

The other quote of mine is obvious nawteeone is blaming him for the sex problem, if you read my other post you would see that I explained that remark. The problem might not be sex at all the problem could be something entirely different and the loss of sex drive could be just the fall out. Until the two of them get talking real time, then damn all will ever get sorted. A man after ten years of good sex does not stop unless he has a very good reason, i am 59 and my Mistress died two years ago. I dont have sex now it was cut off unfortuanatly, but i still have a need that canot be quenched and there is damn all wrong with my sex drive. So she has to get him to come clean and stop fucking with her.

Regards ian 2411
05-28-2010
nawteeone

Thanks for the input.

I didn't mean to make it sound like I would leave DH for someone else. I often just think about how you get one chance to live the best life possible, and in a few areas, I have screwed up big time. It makes me sad. I do blame myself for a lot of the problems in my marriage. I used to be a bit of a doormat, and honestly didn't think that my needs were important. It's not DH's fault that I have outgrown that over time. In the end, I can totally see myself living as a hermit somewhere with a bunch of good books, and like 180 cats. lol.

Anyway, the reality is I effed up, and will have to live with this situation for a long time. I know that MOST people aren't living the life they want, and understand that doesn't make me unique. Trust me, I get up everyday and put on my big girl pants and deal with the life I DO have in the best way I can.

(and not that y'all cared to know this little tidbit, but hormones are wreaking havoc on me lately, so once a month I go through all sorts of crazy phases. I will NOT be one of those women mourning when menopause hits.)

The End.
05-30-2010
Jennifer Williams

Quote:

Originally Posted by ian 2411

Jennifer Williams you have my sincere apologies for calling you a sub, it was a stupid mistake.

Apology accepted.

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So she has to get him to come clean and stop fucking with her.

I thought she wanted him to start fucking her? :cool:
05-30-2010
Jennifer Williams

Quote:

Originally Posted by nawteeone

I often just think about how you get one chance to live the best life possible,

But you do get many chances to make your life better, in small ways, all the time. Working to improve your marriage can be one of them, but so can working on your career, your children, other family members, your friends, even your house. Even just finding a hobby that you love. Finding happiness in other areas of your life can help boost you up to handle the areas that aren't so great, so don't give up on improvement just yet.

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and in a few areas, I have screwed up big time.

I believe firmly that every single one of us can say that...

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It makes me sad. I do blame myself for a lot of the problems in my marriage. I used to be a bit of a doormat, and honestly didn't think that my needs were important. It's not DH's fault that I have outgrown that over time.

You've matured and changed as a person. That's wonderful! Even though adjusting to the "new you" might be difficult for him (and you), maybe as you both get used to you being more outspoken it will improve things in the end. Only if both of you can communicate, of course!

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Anyway, the reality is I effed up, and will have to live with this situation for a long time. I know that MOST people aren't living the life they want, and understand that doesn't make me unique. Trust me, I get up everyday and put on my big girl pants and deal with the life I DO have in the best way I can.

Good for you. Keep it up!
06-16-2010
summerBreeze{EDQ}

Quote:

Originally Posted by nawteeone

Thanks for the input.

I didn't mean to make it sound like I would leave DH for someone else. I often just think about how you get one chance to live the best life possible, and in a few areas, I have screwed up big time. It makes me sad. I do blame myself for a lot of the problems in my marriage. I used to be a bit of a doormat, and honestly didn't think that my needs were important. It's not DH's fault that I have outgrown that over time. In the end, I can totally see myself living as a hermit somewhere with a bunch of good books, and like 180 cats. lol.

Anyway, the reality is I effed up, and will have to live with this situation for a long time. I know that MOST people aren't living the life they want, and understand that doesn't make me unique. Trust me, I get up everyday and put on my big girl pants and deal with the life I DO have in the best way I can.

(and not that y'all cared to know this little tidbit, but hormones are wreaking havoc on me lately, so once a month I go through all sorts of crazy phases. I will NOT be one of those women mourning when menopause hits.)

The End.

Take it from one who is in the same boat after trying everything and married 32 years. Weigh all carefully and remember its you and your kids who are important. No one can make a decision but you and you should not be swayed by anyone judging you. You stand strong and do what you think is right.I understand from my own experience how hard it is to be in this situation. Big gentle hugs and if i can help feel free to pm me ok.