Coming out of the Sub Closet

This is an introduction of sorts, so please bear with me if it gets too long…
I am a 19 years old bi-curious female from SE England. I have a boyfriend of two years who I am totally in love with. I have had BDSM fantasies since I was probably about 9 or 10. I’ve only ever had what I can only describe as non vanilla sex about 5 times in my life.
I’m turning 20 in June and after 5 years of being sexually active, I want to spice things up a bit. The problem is, I’m such a closet case. All of my fantasies seem too wild and kinky to admit to my boyfriend! I’ve admitted I like being spanked and tied up, but that’s all I’ve ever managed to say.
All you need do is look at my introduction (in the introductions section) to see the long list of things I’m into. I just don’t know how to tell my boyfriend any of it. I mean… how do you tell someone that your fantasies involve you being forced into things – it doesn’t seem to make sense, because if I’m asking him to force me, then it’s more like I’m forcing him! The situation seems too mixed up…
I recently sent my boyfriend an e-mail of a story from the BDSM Library story section which involved a non consensual encounter which turned out to end in consensual sex. He seemed a little shocked that I admitted to enjoying reading stories about “rape”. Bless his vanilla heart.
His deepest darkest fantasy – that he has admitted to me anyway – is basically women clad in stockings, suspender belts etc. So I have written him two stories, both of which describe women in sexy lingerie, both of which strongly represent some of my deepest fantasies and I’m going to e-mail them to him although not admit I wrote them and wait for his feedback.
I’m not an ungrateful lover, and I adore this man so much, we have great sex, but I feel the need for more heat. There are certain things I really feel are missing. The best sex I’ve ever had have been those few times I was bound and helpless.
So basically, do any of you have any advice for me? How else can I interest him in the world of BDSM without a) freaking him out, b) pushing him away c) offending him?
If this helps, he has admitted he likes spanking me and shown an interest in tying my up but I think for now this is all he wants to do. I know I should be grateful for what I’ve got but it feels like a form of vanilla bondage everyone’s buying into these days, when some of my fantasies are much more extreme.
Thanks for reading, I would so appreciate feedback!

it sounds to me like youve already made a great start, especially if he's already dipping a toe in the shallow end. you may be chomping at the bit for more but i think patience and time are your best options, personally, weaning him in gently. after all, hopefully if he's enjoying the first steps then once he gets used to it he may be open for more in time.

it seems much better, in my opinion, to be patient and wait for him to catch up with your tastes rather than rush it and risk putting him off... or, worse, messing up the relationship in general. better to have half a loaf with the possibility of more later, you know? *smile*

Hello,

Glad to see another English chick round here!

You have done a great job so far bringing him into the kink you like, well done. Not many people have gotten their vanilla partners that far!

You seem to be second guessing what he may or may not like. He may not be as nilla as you think, he just might not want to own up to your desires as you don't.
I would gradually introduce things, you are only young and have plenty of time to explore all those things on your list with him.

Don't be disheartened if he is not into some of the things, each to their own and all that.

I suggest patience and timing when introducing new things, and begin with the softer stuff, look at porn together, watch some kink orientated films.

I hope you find a way, it will be the ride of your life and you have all the time in the world to explore this lifestyle.

Thanks so much for the encouragement, both of you, it really helps. You're both right, I do need more patience, definatly. Perhaps it was coming on here that made me a little jealous seeing all these d/s relathionships! But you're right, and I have the most amazing boyfriend who I couldnt love more and all the time in the world to ease him in gently.

You're beautiful badlyguidedlittlemis and your lip ring really suits you! (I have my lip, nose, eye brow, tongue and belly pierced and stretched holes in each ear) xx

I've got nothing to add to the excellent advice and encouragement you've already been given, so I'll just say--good luck and I hope it all works out well for you, Slutsie (love that nic by the way). :)

Hehe, ty ^_^

The only thing I would like to add is keep the line of communication open. Even if it does seem like you are making suggestions I would have to ask what is wrong with that. He may be very grateful for your ideas and suggestions, I know I would. You don't need to choreograph all the moves, let him take control if he is interested. All you are doing is telling him what your fantasies are. If you can't tell him now you may never be able to or you may think you can't find the right time. That time may be now.

As was stated, he may not be as vanilla as you suspect so telling him your fantasies and desires is a great means of communicating. You'll know if he likes what he is hearing or not since you know him fairly well already.

If the shoe were on the other foot wouldn't you want him to confide in you? This saves looking for what you need and want elsewhere. Best of luck and you do have youth on your side.

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Originally Posted by Warbaby1943

Even if it does seem like you are making suggestions I would have to ask what is wrong with that. He may be very grateful for your ideas and suggestions, I know I would. You don't need to choreograph all the moves, let him take control if he is interested.

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I guess I just find it hard emotionally to admit how I like to be treated. I'm so worried he's going to turn round and call me a freak (because I'm rather insecure you see). We've spoken about this and he was very comforting and assured me he doesn't think I'm abnormal for wanting to be tied up/spanked. I'm just concerned that telling him some of my other more uncommon fantasies he'll think I am. Sorry - babbling in circles.
I suppose all I can do is slowly open up to him and leave the rest to him as you say, if it catches his interest.

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Originally Posted by Warbaby1943

As was stated, he may not be as vanilla as you suspect so telling him your fantasies and desires is a great means of communicating. You'll know if he likes what he is hearing or not since you know him fairly well already.

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I was pleasently suprised the other morning when he let me do something very unvanilla (for us lol) while giving him head - neither of us had seen it coming, it just sort of happened and worked. Previously he'd always said this was a no go area, but he enjoyed it and so did I. So yes, he is not as vanilla as I used to think he was.

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Originally Posted by Warbaby1943

If the shoe were on the other foot wouldn't you want him to confide in you? This saves looking for what you need and want elsewhere. Best of luck and you do have youth on your side.

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I'd definatly want him to confide in me if the shoe was on the other foot. Thanks for the well wishes and thanks for your help, I appreciate it ^_^

You're very welcome and I really hope it all works out.

I think you have found that he is fairly receptive to a few things you originally had doubts about. Give him a chance. He may love your kinky ideas, after all we all have fantasies. However, you know him much better than any of us so you must be the judge at what pace you proceed.

From the little you have told us about him I personally think he will enjoy what you have to offer. Admittedly some are not interested but it doesn't sound to me like that is the case with your boyfriend. Again good luck.

J-Go and I started out much the same way, though both of us are a little older. Our ages worked to our advantage in the sense that we are both in more self-assured places than your typical 20-somethings; but it also could have added an element of difficulty as we could have decided we were both too "set in our ways" to change. I saw that J had strong Dom tendancies, so I started the same way you did: sending Him to look at The Library and letting Him come back to me with the stories that turned Him on the most. I would take cues from them to please Him. In bed I would take a sub posture (such as putting my hands above my head etc.) and when I talked dirty to him during sex I would call Him "Sir," ask Him to do things to me, and ask what I could do to please Him. In the heat of passion many things seem pretty reasonable as compared to just busting out "hey baby I like to be bound and cropped" over a bowl of cereal at the breakfast table. ;)

Best of luck!

Hehe, yeah that would go down a treat at the breakfast table!

Ty for sharing DTA, I'll try and use your experience to guide me.

My b/f actually calls me "wench" because I love serving him food and drink - perhaps I'll have to start calling him Master and see if he likes that.

Thinking about what he's like, he can be very shy when talking about sex. He's much more a doer than a talker. Perhaps I should take him by suprise one time and beg him to spank me or something alike and see where it leads. He enjoys slapping my ass, so I'm sure it would appeal to him.

Hehehe... operation seduce Master is on *rubs hands in glee*

sometimes the actual mention of the things like rape games and what people percieve to be 'violence' etc can scare guys a little,ive known quite a few who've admitted they fantasise about it but also because of its connotations feel a bit torn and guilty about that.

as well as books do you have any mild bdsm type movies? wait til he's relaxed put your sexy lingerie on snuggle up and drop a few hints.

or take him shopping and try coaxing him to buy a 'bdsm beginners' type kit ,you know the sort a bit of soft rope, fluffy cuffs, collar etc from anne summers or some such place, thats more likely to come across to him as a little kinky saturday night fun!

and if he's up for it at some point hopefully he'll start to take a more active interest in it.

i really hope that whatever you do works out,ive been there myself and know how difficult and frustrating it can be ....good luck with it :)

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Originally Posted by Slutsie

Hehehe... operation seduce Master is on *rubs hands in glee*

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chuckles....only an english chick can think of that one.... and sounds like something I would say LMAO we not related are we??????? LOL

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Originally Posted by icey

sometimes the actual mention of the things like rape games and what people percieve to be 'violence' etc can scare guys a little,ive known quite a few who've admitted they fantasise about it but also because of its connotations feel a bit torn and guilty about that.

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I think he was a little shocked by the story. As far as I know it was the first he'd ever read up on BDSM, so maybe it was a little too intense for a first reading. To me it didn't seem all that hardcore, but I can understand how for someone who is not naturally a strong Dom that could have seemed shocking.

I did tell him that I don't agree with rape in real life and tried to explain it's only my fantasy as a role play. I hope he understood me...

Bless him, I've only managed to coax him into Anne Summers three or four times, he gets so shy about sex shops. We have browsed online shops and I was sort of suggesting things I'd like him to use on me but we've never bought anything kinky (other than underwear). He's told me he would like to use toys on me and even cuffs (the thought of which excited me so much), which I am looking forward to, but this was only this week so we are yet to purchase anything.

I'm not sure whether or not to gently push him or let him do it at his own pace. Of course it would drive me nuts (in a good way) if he took control of the situation, went out and bought lots of toys etc, but that's just not going to happen. It feels strange trying to steer someone into dominating you. Frustration argh. But I must be patient with him and I do love him so much.

While I agree with most of what has been said I feel i must urge a\ word of catuion. i have had bondage sex with my current vanilla partner but there is no way she would ever understand some of the urges i have and act out with my online partner here. Do not assume becos he is happy to tie u up he will automatically move on to other things. I suggest a softly soflty approach. See how it goes with the bondage sex and take it from there. Sorry to be a killjoy but think u need a balanced view.

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Originally Posted by crazy_grrluk

sounds like something I would say LMAO we not related are we??????? LOL

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*giggles* I'm not sure, maybe we are!

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Originally Posted by SAE

While I agree with most of what has been said I feel i must urge a\ word of catuion. i have had bondage sex with my current vanilla partner but there is no way she would ever understand some of the urges i have and act out with my online partner here. Do not assume becos he is happy to tie u up he will automatically move on to other things. I suggest a softly soflty approach. See how it goes with the bondage sex and take it from there. Sorry to be a killjoy but think u need a balanced view.

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You're not a killjoy at all and I appreciate the balanced view. I would never force him into doing anything to me that he didn't want to do himself. I mean, that defies the whole object for me anyway because I want him to have *his* was with me, not my own.

Besides, I wouldnt want to push him and have it spoil our relationship, because to me he is more important than anything else in the world.

We both do have our kinks, his are just a little straigher than mine. He has somewhat of a lingerie fetish, he's really into stockings and tights. To me, I dont really understand that it can be his deepest darkest fantasy, but I respect his interests and dress up for him when he wants me to (I enjoy the dressing up part of course).

Part of me feels as though because I fulfil his fantasies we should at least dabble in mine. I'm just hoping, wishing, praying that it turns out he's really into it too.

I suppose this goes back to the old debate of whether D/s behaviour is a learnt behaviour or an innate one. I think it can be both to be honest, because although I feel innately submissive, I'm hoping he can learn to dominate me and enjoy it. ^_^

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Originally Posted by SAE

While I agree with most of what has been said I feel i must urge a\ word of catuion. i have had bondage sex with my current vanilla partner but there is no way she would ever understand some of the urges i have and act out with my online partner here. Do not assume becos he is happy to tie u up he will automatically move on to other things. I suggest a softly soflty approach. See how it goes with the bondage sex and take it from there. Sorry to be a killjoy but think u need a balanced view.

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i totally agree with this,

not just because he might not understand or be shocked by your fantasys and urges but for safety reasons too,or at least as safe as any bdsm activity can be (including light bondage) trying new things is great but if you're into anything extreme or even just a flogging/whipping etc it needs researching practice and to be built up to gradually for both your sakes.

sorry im the one being a killjoy now lol

Thanks for your concern Icey, but I'm sure this is going to be a very slow process, if anything happens at all. And naaa you're not a killjoy ^_^

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Originally Posted by Slutsie

*giggles* I'm not sure, maybe we are!

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god... there cant be 2 of me LMAOOOOOOOOOO
hell this forum wouldnt be able to cope!!!! :D:D:D

My advice would be to make sure you tell him how much you enjoy whatever activity you're talking about.

Most men these days are ultra-sensitive to sexual abuse issues, and know the punishments are severe if they cross (or are accused of crossing) the line.

I agree with going slowly, but with every opportunity you have, tell him how much you would enjoy whatever it is you're talking about. That's the only way you are going to get over his training that he's not supposed to hurt you.

It sounds like you've started things off pretty well.

My only advice to add would be this:

When talking about "interests" of yours, try to leave him with the impression that you find something specifically about him (whether it is his general confidence, masculinity, stature, strong voice, inner strength, etc.) that makes you fantasize about these things. You find him charismatic, and fall under his spell; his deep voice turns you on, and when you hear it you imagine yourself incapable of saying no; he's so much bigger and stronger than you (given your description, this is probably true) that you feel helpless (and protected), and that turns you on more than he can imagine.....

Don't just explain that you like the idea of being tied up or told what to do - although he'll probably be willing to try it, it'll be more about giving what you want than taking ownership of the role you want for him.

A lot of the hesitation he might need to overcome will be a feeling that as far as he's concerned, it's a game that he might be bad at. He knows you have specific desires/fantasies, and he's new to the idea, so he's sure to muck them up (at least he is probably concerned of that). By involving who he is - and there must be some things about him that relates, or you wouldn't be so attracted in the first place - in the discussion of your interests, you'll endow him with more confidence, which will lead him to be more comfortable in a situation where you're suddenly submissive to him. In addition, it will stroke his ego and make him more interested in listening to your ideas, as well as just talking about the subject more - not to mention it will help prepare him for all the wonderful benefits of fulfilling a true sub: being made the center of their (your) world, and all the appreciation that seems to come with... :)

Even "vanilla" guys can get used to that.

Anyway, I wish you luck! (Him too, he just doesn't know what he's missing)

Thank you so much Xavier, that was really helpful advice. I can't believe how little thought I had given about telling him these things. It's so important that he knows it's not just a fantasy but it's my fantasy about *him*. Thanks for the well wishes too! ^_^

I second what has been said so far (I know, how booooring), but would like to add a little detail from my (limited) experience. At least it sounds like he is willing to experiment a little, and it might well be that a dom is hiding somewhere in there, waiting to come out (and it could also be that there isn't, but I'd rather look at the bright side). I really believe that feedback is very important -- I mean, in-scene feedback. When we first started out playing and were extremely green behind our ears about everything BDSM he was really very concerned about breaking me. It was a bit tricky to get the idea of "yes it hurts, but I like it that way" through -- once he got used to the idea, though, I tended to get more than what I bargained for :) Anyway, he needed (and wanted) a hint about what was okay and what not, and regular feedback on how I was feeling about the whole thing (elated, mostly).

That said, let me throw my well-wishes into the pot! I'm crossing my fingers that with a bit of patience and lots of communication this relationship develops into whatever direction you desire! Oh, and -- you love each other...I think with that not so much can go wrong :)

Thanks so much Polaris for your advice. Yes we have had a discussion or two on when he does give me pain and I react by moaning (in pain)/saying "owww". He isn't sure when too much is too much, but I've told him basically it's all good (what he's done to me up to this point has been all good ^_^). Perhaps we need a safe word just in case things get too heated - more on that in a minute.

I'm gonna get a little descriptive of last nights events now, just to warn anyone who doesn't want to know!

Last night I got all dolled up for him in stockings and such and seduced him into bed. We started having sex - which of course is great even if it was just "regular" sex. I was really horny but I just couldn't get into it - I know I should have said something then (like suggested he pinch my nipples or something).
We stopped and chatted for a while - thankfully we were able to both laugh about the situation. Then he asked me what he could have done to have got me more into it, so I gave him a few pointers on what would really get me going.
Then out of the blue he sort of commanded me to turn around and sit on his lap facing his feet and then put my hands over my ears and start humming (I hummed star wars hehe). I thought he was taking the piss at first, but when he tapped me on the shoulder to signal to stop, he told me to put my hands behind my back - wrists together.
I still didn't realise what he was up to, I thought he was just testing the waters and seeing what commands I'd follow through, but then he tied my wrists together with a bandana and blindfolded me with another one and then pushed me forward and I'm sure you can figure out what went on from there.
I was so happy, it's the first time I'd ever lived out my fantasy of being tied up and fucked. He really suprised me too because he whispered in my ear would I like him to take me up my bum. Up untill last week he told me he found the whole idea of this disgusting and it was something he'd never try. This was where we needed a safe word because I declined (I want to start small in that area if you know what I mean - being practically an anal virgin) and he didn't know if I was just saying no but meaning yes (it's ok, I managed to persuade him not to).
After the sex we talked a bit (I talked - he tried to sleep...*sigh*). I asked him if he found tying me up sexy and he replied that he didn't find it any sexier than vanilla sex. But I think there is hope because at least he was willing to dabble in my fantasy and it was the best sex I've ever had (I told him this and it made him smile (sleepily...))

Sorry if that was long and a little boring for all you kinky folks out there who get up to much naughtier stuff but I just feel so happy about last night. Who knows, this could be the beginning of a very long and intense journey *crosses fingers*.

What a great evening! Good luck with your relationship-Sounds like you're on the right track...

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Sorry if that was long and a little boring for all you kinky folks out there who get up to much naughtier stuff but I just feel so happy about last night. Who knows, this could be the beginning of a very long and intense journey *crosses fingers*.

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Actually I'd venture to suggest the majority of us get up to a lot less most of the time- it's just that the more active people tend to post more.

Thanks for posting all this- to me that's a big part of what forums such as this are for, people starting out in the D/s scene.

You don't need any more advice, you're doing just fine- a good point from Xavier to make sure the fantasy is with him, & not some mythical superhero that he has to live up to. If he's in his twenties, the confidence & power is probably a little fragile. Better to go a bit slow than too fast :eek:

Enjoy- & please keep us posted. :cool:

Ty both ^_^

Slutsie
You do indeed need a safe-word. One it will allow him to know that he can't do something that hurts you in any real way, two it will also let you relax more and he will sense that.

You should begin to let your sub out around the house, pamper him, call him a special name letting him know you are his sub and proud of it, next you should try to be sure that he has things he wants before he knows he needs or wants them, in other words treat him like a Dom.

Talk to him, get him books on the Life, Loving Dominant, Screw the Roses give me the Thorns, possible rent or buy the Secretary, so that he get to learn about the life.

My favorite is for you to buy a set of real handcuffs, double locks, dress in sexiest garb you have, cuff your hands behind your back with key in mouth. Then go to him give him the key from your mouth, then ask him nicely to expose his cock and kneel before him while engulfing his cock with your mouth alone. I bet it isn't very long before he becomes your will Dom.

Thank you Sir_Russell, I think this is the best advice I've had yet. We both really wanted to watch the Secretary together - it was on tv lately, but we ended up missing it unfortunatly. I'll have to buy it, it's one of my favourite films anyway!

Thank you in particular for your fourth piece of advice, I will try this tonight and see how he reacts!

Can't expect of men to stay awake once they're done with having their way with you, huh? ;) Glad to read that you two had fun, and that everything went so fine! Now all you have to do is wait for him to get addicted :)

On a sidenote, "it doesn't turn me on more than vanilla sex" does not necessarily mean it doesn't turn me on more than vanilla sex. I have a few things I'll swear before any jury I don't enjoy too much, but it's not true nonetheless. It's just me being embarassed to admit it, so I try working around admitting it (or simply draw a blanket over my head, which most of the time is answer enough anyway) :)

Anyway, I hope that things continue to be as promising as they started out!

Ty Polaris, a very good point.

I just wanted to share with everyone what happened last night... We were talking about the other night - how good it was for me, when I admitted talking about it with a few people online. Immediatly my boyfriend was intrigued and started asking questions... I couldn't lie to him so I told him about this website and this thread I made.
He asked me to show it to him and because I wanted to obey him, I did. I was so embarrassed but at the same time it was really good that he got to find out what had been going through my head. He read the whole thread. Afterwards we talked and it was so nice to be open with one another (although I couldnt stop blushing!).

As per Sir Russell's advice (ty again SR) my bf tied my arms behind my back and I took him in my mouth. Afterwards my bf said that it was the best head he'd ever received, so that kind of put a smile on my face ^_^

Oh and he called me his little slutsie and his little wench ^_^ That made me feel so proud!

:exellent1

It sounds like you've sparked the tinder. Now just a little careful blowing and that fire should be roaring in no time. ;) How exciting, Slutsie! Congrats to you, and to your boyfriend for being open-minded and a quick study. You're both in for a fun ride, methinks.

Ah, if only you were dominant. And unattached. And I'd met you first. But ignoring my own jealousy, it's nice to see you've made the jump successfully and come out of this particular closet (that I like to think is antique, with some sort of attachment down the middle that a wayward sub can be tied to...>_>)

This has been so useful; I've just joined the forums and I'm having the same problem.

My boyfriend and I have been together for a year and a half and sex is amazing and he seems to be into a bit of kink; but its not enough for me. He's not at all shy, but I am and I feel like if I went into it too much it'd freak him out that I was being so bold, as it's really out of character.

Things in our relationship are a bit less vanilla; when we get into any fooling around he gets me say I'm a 'naughty slut' or something like that, but when I said about handcuffs when we were talking he changed the topic, and he's never researched anything at all BDSM as far as I can tell, but I never know with him, he always surprises me with things, and sometimes he'll be really kinky and other times totally vanilla :confused:

I love him so much though, and he's amazing to me; just thought I'd put in my experience though hehe

Ohhh... and Slutsie hope things work out for you, sounds like things are going good, gives me hope :) and nice to see another Brit here!

I enjoyed reading this thread - I wonder how Slutsie's getting on ;) and do we have a bit of an English contingent gathering here?

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Originally Posted by Slutsie

He really suprised me too because he whispered in my ear would I like him to take me up my bum.

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hehe that is such an english thing to say! It made me giggle

I'm real happy for you Slutsie, it sounds like a wonderful journey for you both :)

Lots of wonderful advice here, but i haven't seen mentioned something that i learned from personal experience. Sometimes, no matter how tactfully you explain things, or try to educate a vanilla lover, they just are not able to accept how you feel about being a submissive. i have in effect scared the hell out of one vanilla boyfriend by asking him to tie *me* up (still haven't figured that one out) and also lost a long term relationship because i was labeled a .......lemme make sure that i get this right...."a freak" when i began to express my fantasies to him. So Slutsie, i truly wish you the best, but i think you must also be prepared for the fact that he may not be able to accept how you feel or feel that he can live up to your fantasies or what he feels you want from a man. i don't mean to be a killjoy either. it's just a fact of life that some people find our lifestyle abhorrent and cannot understand it no matter how hard we try to explain it to them.

If this happens to you at any point (which from what i've read, i doubt), just remember that you are special and not in any way *wrong* about your feelings. Just different. *smiles* Good luck and i hope things continue to go well with you!