Submission around family? friends even?

How would you act around your family and friends? How do you go out in public and be submissive with people thinking "abuse?"

I live in the d/s lifestyle, more so mentally than physically, but he does discipline me. I'm a little stubborn. None of my friends or siblings have relationships like mine. So how should I react if they ask "How can you let them do that to you?"

1.) I want to be treated as such. :span: :bondage:
2.) I've always wanted it.
3.) They're probably right to treat me as such.

There have been times in public that I realize if what had occured had been around my family they would have verbally attacked my Dom harshly even though my Dom had every right to.

I just want ideas if you don't mind. :)

I never considered my relationship as a D/s with my wife but still she waits on me hand and foot, even in public and even after 32 years of being together. When anyone (usually women) asks why she does it and I hear it I just say it works for us. Then I usually ask the man if his wife wears the pants in his family. That usually ends the conversation rather quickly.

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Originally Posted by babygirlblue

How would you act around your family and friends? How do you go out in public and be submissive with people thinking "abuse?"

I live in the d/s lifestyle, more so mentally than physically, but he does discipline me. I'm a little stubborn. None of my friends or siblings have relationships like mine. So how should I react if they ask "How can you let them do that to you?"

1.) I want to be treated as such. :span: :bondage:
2.) I've always wanted it.
3.) They're probably right to treat me as such.

There have been times in public that I realize if what had occured had been around my family they would have verbally attacked my Dom harshly even though my Dom had every right to.

I just want ideas if you don't mind. :)

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First, I would hope he wouldn't do anything in front of your friends or family that would cause a need for alarm.

My sister knows about my lifestyle, but other than that, I keep it quiet. It's too taboo for the public to know about. I mean, there are things your dom can do that vanillas will never suspect. I live in a conservative state, so it's important that my relationship is kind of hush, hush. Plus, with my work and Master's work..it's important that discresion is used.

Even though my sister knows of my lifestyle..she doesn't quiet approve. I don't tell her much..the people I talk to about my submission and what Master and I do are others of the lifestyle that do understand.. Through this site I have found many friends I have been able to talk to and share with. I hope you will be able to do the same.

well, none of our families and very few of our friends know about our lifestyle choice but it does not stop me from behaving in a way that is respectful and serving to my Husband infront of them...

my sister in law, who is quite an opinionated bitch, is the only one who has ever said anything at all - and she made some snide comment about Him not moving over to let me sit on the couch after i had settled myself at His feet.

there was plenty of room on the couch and had i wanted to sit there, i could have but i just responded by saying - who said i wanted to sit on the couch?? that shut her up. LOL

my mother in law has watched us closely at times but if she ever pipes up - i will shut her down instantly - she has never worked, not one day in her life (not that i think there is anything wrong with this) and she made her life supporting her husband and children so if she ever has the gall to mention a word about it, i will turn it back to her own choices to shut her up.

the way i see it is this - to each his own and those that choose to stand in judgement dont care to understand that simplicity.

not that this answers your question, but its my 2 cents...

Hi Gang,
I seem to be able to kill any thread that I post on, however I got a little input for this on.

In our relationship, we have a pact that neither will "drop the coin" on the other as to our DOM/sub relationship NEVER.

While my sub thinks her parents would freak out if they knew she was a sub and got her rocks off being tied up, she's will lose it totally herself.

BUT

On our last visit to Canada (my sub is Canadian) the ol' girl (mother in-law)pulled out a heap of VERY old photo's that she'd found.
Keep this in mind!
My mother in-law is deadset a champion (how many of you blokes can say that?) and is in her 70's but whilst perusing all these photo's there was a photo of the ol' girl wearing nothing but a swimsuit (of that era) and high heels standing next to a car in the snow. :eek: Pretty out there for back then!
She almost died of embarressment & we talked about it in bed that night too! LOL

To the other end of the scale.

They say the apple never falls far from the tree.

We called into my daughters (30yo & Attractive) place a while back un-announced thinking that they weren't home anyway.
There was some noise inside and the daughter answers the door, with hair all messed up and shall we say smelling of LURV.
I looked at her wrists and noticed marks around them, and CLEARLY she had been bound however wearing long pajama pants the ankles were hard to see for now. Oh she KNEW I knew what I was lookin' at too.
Some 10 mins later after small G'Day's and what not she got casual and streched out and guess what??? Yup Ankles too!:bondage:

3 Gereations of submissives there! I just dunno if the Ol' Girl was into bondage and at 70 i'm not that interested, nor am I with incest with my daughter.

My sub/wife was blown away with the daughter as, as soon as I got the chance I gave here a whisper in the ear.

Again, it'll NEVER come up in conversation with any of them either.

As a footnote-: My Dad called me kinky 'cause I watched the Gangs Of New York on DVD one night. My sub cracked up and said if only he knew??? My side of the family makes the Simpsons look totally normal though.

Again Different, I have a mate that is a sub, and his wife ain't really into it. Which makes it tuff for him.
He did cotton on to my sub & I as he quickly noticed at his place on several occasions that my sub sits at my feet.:bondage:

So there ya go, another thread killed by Border Collie.

For us, when we are in a public place or with family, if I should do or say something that displeases my Sir, he lets me know with either "the look" or reminds me of my place with a very soft spoken word or two. :)

We do have some friends that are fully aware of our choices, they are completely openminded and support us. As far as those who ask questions or make comments...we tell them that this is how we have chosen to live. If they express disapproval or react negatively, we simply tell them, "If you didn't want to know, then you shouldn't have asked." That seems to quiet them up rather quickly.

I really appreciate you all with your comments. It's good to know from experiences.

My sister is in to bdsm, as far as I'm aware of, she has her own sub and not in it with her hubby. He complete knows about it. They have a "Open" relationship (i.e. marriage + polygamy). I don't think I could ever do that, but my Dom and I are very monogamous. The longer we're together we like the idea of a threesome or similar, but after much talking realize it will more than likely occur.

Getting back to on topic: My siblings and I have all concluded that sex is pretty much a genetic addiction in my family since all of us just LURV it. My brother, I guess, wants to be in a d/s relationship, but hasn't found the right girl yet. My sister is the one who introduced me to bdsm in the first place. She's extremely knowledgeable but I think it's really weird if I ever told her. My brother and best friend knows while my mom doesn't. I think she has ideas , but no confirmation.

I just posted the thread since I was a little worried on reaction.

He uses "the voice" when it comes to us in public or "the look" that says you're in trouble or stop that. :)

Please keep posting though. I'd love to know past experiences and such. It helps get an idea of how I should react if something might occur.

Again, I really appreciate it.


(See attempt to prevent deadening of thread :-P)

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Originally Posted by babygirlblue

(See attempt to prevent deadening of thread :-P)

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LOL Baby! :wave:

besides sitting at his feet or getting him drinks and foods at social gatherings with family and friends ... what other forms of submission activities are enjoyed at these occassions ??

I think most of our real close friends have an idea that there si a certain amount of d/s going on. I've never been open to be shy about sex when talking to my good friends, most of them enjoy sex as much as i do. exploring trying new ideas etc... I've been spanked bitting growled at reprimanded in front of several of them, and i assume they either took it for what it was or as playfulness.

My family hasn't seen us for any long period of time, so I really don't think they have ever witnessed any thing too suspicious. But I think they would probably just keep quiet... however we might have scared his younger sister on occasions as she used ot hang out wiht us and our friends alot...




ON a side note...

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Originally Posted by babygirlblue

I They have a "Open" relationship (i.e. marriage + polygamy).

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polygamy is marrying multiple people... i think unless she considers herself wed to both of them you meant polyamory, which is loving more than one person. Sorry, living in utah the definition of polygamy is always in the news and I have a few friends online who are in polyamorous relationships...

One of my best friends told me off the other day because he thought I didn't treat my girlfriend/slave with respect which is important to him. he he *snicker*. No, he doesn't know the extent of my/our interests in BDSM. I'm not sure how I could explain it in any way he'd understand. It's not like I was using her as a doormat at the party. I just let it slide.

Most folks would say I was the sub, if asked. It either irritates or amuses me greatly depending. They look at it from the wrong perspective. I fetch and carry for him because I don't want him in the kitchen or in the clothes or whatever. I'm a serious control freak about the kitchen. I don't let anyone clear their plates or go in the fridge. And he doesn't know where most stuff is.

But, he doesn't know or ask where the money is, hands his paycheck over without looking at it, doesn't have his own ATM card, doesn't get to decide what to eat, what to wear. I don't work outside the home and he works very hard. He can dominate as he is very dominant at work, but anything I express strong feelings about he falls in line. I'm truly a switch and he wants me to be more continuously a domme. It's a sticking point at times. The 24/7 thing sounds appealing, but also seems exhausting to me. To be "ON" all the time.

We are sort of uneven, I'll admit. I'm dominant in the bedroom and in the macro things like money, but the day to day stuff we're still working on. In fact, we're in a bit of a fight about it right now.

E

I think my Dom and I tend to be naturally Dom and sub. I mean it's not total d/s all the time, but most of it. Money and finances, he controls but shows me how to do it. I'm good with math as long as I don't forget to carry a 1 or 2 over. I actually want to be like Briansmine, but don't quite have the motivation yet, I guess. I work full-time while he attends school and gets paid barely less than I do though I did get a raise. :)

DrkRvn: That's what I had thought it was to begin with. Thanks for the correction.


Anywho, he's never reprimanded me physically in front of people, but he has verbally -mainly friends and my brother. He ever does in front of my mom and she will go all Jewish guilt on his ass. It would be interesting to watch. [grins]

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Originally Posted by BorderCollie

Hi Gang,
I seem to be able to kill any thread that I post on, however I got a little input for this on.

In our relationship, we have a pact that neither will "drop the coin" on the other as to our DOM/sub relationship NEVER.

While my sub thinks her parents would freak out if they knew she was a sub and got her rocks off being tied up, she's will lose it totally herself.

BUT

On our last visit to Canada (my sub is Canadian) the ol' girl (mother in-law)pulled out a heap of VERY old photo's that she'd found.
Keep this in mind!
My mother in-law is deadset a champion (how many of you blokes can say that?) and is in her 70's but whilst perusing all these photo's there was a photo of the ol' girl wearing nothing but a swimsuit (of that era) and high heels standing next to a car in the snow. :eek: Pretty out there for back then!
She almost died of embarressment & we talked about it in bed that night too! LOL

To the other end of the scale.

They say the apple never falls far from the tree.

We called into my daughters (30yo & Attractive) place a while back un-announced thinking that they weren't home anyway.
There was some noise inside and the daughter answers the door, with hair all messed up and shall we say smelling of LURV.
I looked at her wrists and noticed marks around them, and CLEARLY she had been bound however wearing long pajama pants the ankles were hard to see for now. Oh she KNEW I knew what I was lookin' at too.
Some 10 mins later after small G'Day's and what not she got casual and streched out and guess what??? Yup Ankles too!:bondage:

3 Gereations of submissives there! I just dunno if the Ol' Girl was into bondage and at 70 i'm not that interested, nor am I with incest with my daughter.

My sub/wife was blown away with the daughter as, as soon as I got the chance I gave here a whisper in the ear.

Again, it'll NEVER come up in conversation with any of them either.

As a footnote-: My Dad called me kinky 'cause I watched the Gangs Of New York on DVD one night. My sub cracked up and said if only he knew??? My side of the family makes the Simpsons look totally normal though.

Again Different, I have a mate that is a sub, and his wife ain't really into it. Which makes it tuff for him.
He did cotton on to my sub & I as he quickly noticed at his place on several occasions that my sub sits at my feet.:bondage:

So there ya go, another thread killed by Border Collie.

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hahaha, awesome story! It's funny, I'm a submissive woman but I know if I had a daughter I'd feel really weird about her being a sub. I think I'd just rather not know...

The one really awkward moment in my family was when my fiance got his Masters' degree recently, my dad made a joke about "Does that mean we have to call him Master now?" I think my face turned bright red, because of course I called him that already... *blush*

Most of my friends and all of my family do not know that I am a submissive. It is something they would not look kindly upon. My master disciplines me in public and I act submissive with him in public but not near my family.

My family would go spare if they ever realised the whole situation because they don't understand it. In public, Master treats me like the slave I am, and He has every right to - so whistling me and/or leading me are things that have sometimes got stares, but if people can't deal with that then thats their own problem.

When our families are around we do not share as would do when we are alone. Due to the public natures of our jobs we do have to keep it to times when we are alone, in our home, children not around. It is fun when our family members refer to kinky things as a joke however, and I get to joke along. Little do they know how serious I am... ;) There are also ways by which I can be submissive when they are around, but they would not wonder too much. We have many private glances and conversations w/out words when others are around. I find this exciting.

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The one really awkward moment in my family was when my fiance got his Masters' degree recently, my dad made a joke about "Does that mean we have to call him Master now?" I think my face turned bright red, because of course I called him that already... *blush*

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lol, Hime I can relate to these funny moments. As he is from the south and I am from the north.....when he uses phrases with the term "ma'am" in it my family will often joke about calling him "Sir". (as it is not common verbage in New England) It gives me secret pleasure when they joke like this b/c it's like a little secret I have. How would they feel knowing they had a little submissive yankee girl? he he.

Why do we feel we need to be obvious about the kind of sex we practice. (Exhibitionist kinks aside...) No one expects a vanilla couple to reveal their bedroom practices.


Or to put it another way.... Why do lifestylers so often think they actually need to "come out of the dungeon closet..."

Neither of us has any surviving family, but we do a lot of socializing with his co-workers. In those circumstances, sitting at his feet and being hand-fed from his plate would be conspicuous and could cause disruptions in the workplace.

However, making sure his glass is ALWAYS full, filling his plate before mine at a buffet, and conducting myself in a manner that reflects well on him and makes him proud -- these things only make me appear a particularly doting and devoted significant other.

His running his hand over day-old welts on my back through my clothes to see me shiver, slipping his hand into the hair at the nape of my neck and giving just a little tug (to observers it looks like a simple caress), growling in my ear "Who do you belong to?" --these things reinforce our dynamic, no matter where we are. And it allows our dynamic without inflicting it on others who would probably rather not know.

Dragon's muse I do agree that we can be discrete in public and still live our lifestyle. I use hand signals in public that morgan is now learning. This gives me the benefit of being in control even though no one but us know it.

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Originally Posted by Ozme52

Why do we feel we need to be obvious about the kind of sex we practice. (Exhibitionist kinks aside...) No one expects a vanilla couple to reveal their bedroom practices.


Or to put it another way.... Why do lifestylers so often think they actually need to "come out of the dungeon closet..."

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Because it's not just about sex. Why should people have to hide the kind of relationship they have? No one gets upset at vanilla people acting like they have a vanilla relationship.

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Originally Posted by NatalieD

Because it's not just about sex. Why should people have to hide the kind of relationship they have? No one gets upset at vanilla people acting like they have a vanilla relationship.

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You make my point. They don't tell so you assume they're vanilla. :rolleyes:

Natalie,

In a perfect world, you would be 100% correct. We do not live in a perfect world. We live in a predominantly vanilla world. We live and work and pay our bills in a predominantly vanilla world.

Perhaps one day, it will be different. We have to deal with the world as we find it today. If Dragon and i insisted on full D/s protocol at a gathering with his clients and co-workers, it would cause a disruption in his work. (Homelessness and starvation are not among out kinks.)

i could even go another route and question whether choosing not to make a flagrant display of our personal dynamic is the same as hiding it, but it is late, and i need sleep.

namaste,
rose

If I would tell some people in my familie that I am gay slave they would die of shock, lol.

I do not seem in any way submissive when I am not in the mood for it (Through my apperance and my behavior infact the oposite as some people have told me) and sure I don't act/look like the stereotypical gay either.

ps: stereotypical gay: The one that is often shown in many movies etc. Have met 3 of them in my life, but many people seem to think every gay acts/looks like them. *rolleyes*

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Originally Posted by Dragon's muse

Natalie,

In a perfect world, you would be 100% correct. We do not live in a perfect world. We live in a predominantly vanilla world. We live and work and pay our bills in a predominantly vanilla world.

Perhaps one day, it will be different. We have to deal with the world as we find it today. If Dragon and i insisted on full D/s protocol at a gathering with his clients and co-workers, it would cause a disruption in his work. (Homelessness and starvation are not among out kinks.)

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No no, I totally agree. I didn't mean to say that people shouldn't hide the real nature of their relationship while around non-BDSMers. I just think they shouldn't have to.

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i could even go another route and question whether choosing not to make a flagrant display of our personal dynamic is the same as hiding it, but it is late, and i need sleep.

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Well, I think there's a middle ground between "flagrant display" and "don't let anyone know we're D/s".

Family:
My brother's into BDSM, so we're completely open around him. Parents are actually also somewhat into it, and they're perfectly fine with us being openly in the D/s relationship around them.

Friends:
Obviously, we're fully open around other BDSM-liking friends. Far more discrete with those that aren't into it, though I still do submit in their presence.

Most of my friends know that I like the "pervy stuff", as they call it so I'm quite open about it...although I don't think they realise that I like to be submissive to a Domme.

As for family...I don't have any, except an aged mother, so it doesn't really apply to me.

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Originally Posted by babygirlblue

How would you act around your family and friends? How do you go out in public and be submissive with people thinking "abuse?"

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I act like I'm "normal" around my family and friends. LOL Well, as close to normal as I ever get....*ahem* To tell you the truth, the only thing I have to remember not to do in public is refer to him as "Daddy." I'm sure that would get a few horrified looks at my mom's house, but in public, I don't think many would notice it since he's technically old enough to be my daddy, unless we kissed or something after they heard me....LMAO! Most of my friends know what I'm into, so they don't bat an eye when I let the "D" word slip. We don't really have any protocols to speak of, so it isn't hard to act naturally around other people. If he asks me to do something or not do something in public, he does it quietly.

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Originally Posted by babygirlblue

So how should I react if they ask "How can you let them do that to you?"

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I actually had a similar situation come up, and I didn't really know how to respond. My dom and I were having a disagreement. I was out at a bar with my best friend when he text messaged me. It was to let me know that I had an email in response to a letter I'd sent him earlier that day. I began to worry about what the email might say, etc., and began to cry. My friend became angry and told me to turn off the damn phone. She said, "I know you like to play games and call him "Daddy," but he's NOT your daddy! You don't have to listen to him! You came out to have a good time, and he's not going to ruin it!" I just gave her a bewildered stare. I think I told her I knew I didn't have to but that I wanted to. I didn't turn off the phone. I continued texting. What she didn't know is that he wasn't trying to ruin anything. I wanted to go home right then and check my email instead of partying with her, but he assured me that it could wait and that I should stay and have fun. I told her that everything was fine, but I didn't go into any detailed defense of my actions because a noisy bar isn't a place you can really talk. My advice is to not do anything obvious that would draw attention, but if anyone asks, depending on who they are, either tell them to mind their own business or tell them everything is fine. You don't have to go into some long explanation of what is nobody's business but yours.

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Originally Posted by briansmine

Most folks would say I was the sub, if asked. It either irritates or amuses me greatly depending. They look at it from the wrong perspective. I fetch and carry for him because I don't want him in the kitchen or in the clothes or whatever. I'm a serious control freak about the kitchen. I don't let anyone clear their plates or go in the fridge. And he doesn't know where most stuff is.

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Ha, I thought I was the only one like that! I hate when people are in my kitchen. Especially my mother-in-law! :eek:

I think there are several distinctions to be made

1. A distinction between the people you are with
Some might understand, some others might not. With still some others (like the people in your workplace) it doesn't seem prudent to take the risk. There are others still, where you simply don't care, but that was not the question here.

2. A distinction between different levels of D/s
There might be a few very good friends (maybe even people into the lifestyle themselves) where one could show the full depth of the relationship e.g. I could get a spanking for being too forward.
There may be some other tolerant people where I might obey orders (like get drinks), but within limits so as not to overtax their tolerance.
There are people/situations where I might show my obedience and submission through signals or body language only He will understand.

3. A distinction between intentions
There may be a situation, where He might want to take me down a notch, by making me submit in public.

Generally the rule in my relationship was that, while we were in our apartment, my 'natural state' was subservient, while outside I was 'free'. However He could change that with a word or a nod. Both give me time off when we were alone, maybe because I had to work for my job or beacuse he wanted to discuss something serious with me, and to make me submit, when outside. I trusted him to know when it was best/right for me to submit.

Anne

I have not jet lived a real D/s relationship , still I think I have something to say to this... I´s about feeling comfortable... Some people i still feel comfortable around even if they know. My best friend e.g. is fully aware about what I dream of and that i sumit to an onlinemaster. She would never comment on it, it´s my choice what I do and she likes me nonetheless. This is something I was sure about, so I told her. To have someone I can talk with about my problems, to have someone covering for me, consoling me if anything goes wrong.

But I would never tell my family, as I know they would freak out. When we watch a film and ther´s one of those typical exagerated prototypical BDSM scenes in there, they will imediately make fun of what they see, believing that all BDSM is about men going to a Dominatrix and paying for being whipped. They would never understand and I would not feel comfortable around them.

As for working: I work in a mens domaine and its very common there that they read sexual connotations into whatever you say. They make fun, they pose intimate questions, try to get you to blush as a female...the only thing not to be the one humiliated all the time (which I do not like at all from those I do not submit to) ist do pay them every comment back.. so I tell them a lot, even letting slip things like: "you´d really need a spanking , can I help you with this?" or other things that direktly hint at the lifestyle. Still or even because of this they would never imagine that I´m really into this
I would never really want them to know, because than I wouldn´t stand a chance there. But it can be really fun telling them directly without them knowing what you´re into

Total strangers I don´t mind at all. I do not have any problem walking into a shop, wearing a short skirt but no pantys because the ones who can hurt me most are the ones I care about. Not strangers that I will never see again. What can they do apart from making comments? But it would really hurt if my family thought bad about me


greetings to the lot of you
deigja

My wife and I have a d/s type of lifestyle. We try to typically treat it as a private thing but occasional people do figure things out and ask questions.
Friends and people i work with are semi aware, perhaps they know the whole scope of our d/s lifestyle but i tend to think we are "old fashioned" instead. We are in our early 30's, so we arent that old.
I usually give her any directions or instructions prior to our arrival somewhere. Before we enter a restraunt or friends house she knows what is expected of her so i dont make any scenes. I personally tend to keep things between us. She is happy to serve but embarasses easily and i feel its respectful to her to not embarass her. I think d/s should be a two way street to a point, perhaps i am wrong.
Neither of us has ever been properly schooled if you will in d/s we just have always had a relationship where she is submissive to me and later i learned she is very submissive to me and after finding a few websites discovered we fit the d/s category in some respects.
Her dad was visiting and noticed the anchor points on the bed while seeing the new house. He didnt really say anything snide or rude, he just chuckled, looked at her and gave us the whatever works for you and continued his tour. He is aware she is a very submissive wife to me in how she acts and speaks to me. He treats me VERY well and never fails to send me a lavish gift for special occassions so i feel he knows but understands its her choice not something i force on her and i do spoil her and treat her exceptionally well. I never viewed her being submissive to mean she is a doormat, i think he knows that. Her mother is a whole different story.
Her mother doesnt "know" but suspects something is odd. She pretty much loathes me and i suspect it is because she sees her daughter as submissive to me and being a liberal femme-nazi type is disgusted by it. My wife grows her bikini area and underarms natural per my liking. I trim her bikini line to my taste, which means only a little bit and only during the summer months for the pool. Underarm hair is a fetish for me and hers are kept natural. Her mom has noticed this and chastised her for it several times as being un ladylike. My wife remarked i liked it and thats why so again her mom cant believe her daughter is embarassing to be seen with in public simply because her husband prefers it.
Its a slippery slope, it depends on the views the people your thinking of coming out to have. Its pretty comparable in my book to being gay. You want to be yourself and you want people in your family to understand, you want to tell them or let them know your a certain way but fear the ridicule and being shunned by those you love most. Only you will truly know how much to tell them if you should tell them at all, or let them observe it. My dad knows and of course he thinks its the coolest thing hes ever seen or heard... He wants to know where he can find him a beautiful submissive LOL.