How do you approach the hard questions????

[thrall]

How do you approach the hard questions?


I hate asking questions that make me uncomfortable!!...i just hate it. I don’t like skulking around the edges, looking at the elephant and never talking about it. Bing a sub can sometimes cause a problem with my natural inclination to take on problems head on.

Being in an open communication relationship makes talking about problems or nagging questions easier, but sometimes even that isn’t enough. I still feel uncomfortable asking questions that could become……..problematic.

All the hard questions, sometimes easy questions, normal natural questions can sometimes spin out of control. I never know what the breaking point is……….I am always afraid of my simple questions being over-reacted too. I never know when something I want to talk about will cause a defensive reaction…

But I ask anyway, as uncomfortable as I am……..i still always ask. That is what a D/s relationship is all about……….open, honest, communication.

I plan on meeting someone next month……..and its time for all the very hard questions…..but as uncomfortable as I am…….i still need to know the answers…….and will risk the responses….

So my question is this…….

Do you ask questions that may cause problems…….or stay silent??

[Warbaby1943]

I never stay silent and wouldn't advise anyone else to either. Does that answer your question?

[Whippett]

staying slient defeats the whole point of open and honest communications - I would be upset if my girl stayed silent - and I feel that - if she asks a question - she deserves a fair, open and honest answer too

[DOMLORD]

i'm going to start wearing a Nixon mask.

[Euryleia]

It is really important to speak up and ask the questions. Don't think that the asking is going to cause problems--the issue is already there and ignoring it will not make it go away.

I believe that the only wrong questions are those that are not asked. Be advised, though, that you won't always get the answers that you are hoping for. Listen respectfully and try to understand where they are coming from.

If they say that nothing is wrong, ask another question. Usually, if someone is not thinking, they are feeling. So at any given time one may not be thinking and so “Nothing” may be an acceptable response.

When “Nothing” is the answer, follow up with “What are you feeling?” If you are always answered with "Nothing," that a sure sign that something is wrong. To me, it means that they are afraid to tell you what they think.

Create an environment from the first stage that values openness and honesty. Want to make your relationships better? Communicate with your partner. Want to find a way to make your relationship last longer? Communicate with your partner. Want to have some really great sex? Communicate with your partner.

[rora]

Just remember...first of all, you are both adults. Be honest...ask what you need to know. That works in D/s or vanilla.

[sisterhoney61 {RW}]

I used to stay silent in my vanilla marriage. I would think of all the questions I wanted and needed to ask, but when it actually came down to doing so, I clammed up. And I stewed and became resentful of myself for remaining silent. Maybe if I could have said what I needed to say a long time ago, things would have turned out differently for me. *shrugs*

But with Master it is different and I am able to say what I need to say to Him, to ask Him the hard questions and to answer the hard questions from Him. Maybe it's because I know that this relationship is worth fighting for and keeping and I will do anything that I need to to make sure that Master is in my life.

[SirTimothyk]

trust and communication are the three most important words in the lifestyle. consensual is the other one.
Tim

[Whippett]

trust and communication are the three most important words in the lifestyle. consensual is the other one.
Tim

Absolutely true Tim - and the three of them - consensual, trust and communication - are so intricately interlinked I don't feel you can have one without the other two.

[gemmy]

I used to stay silent in my vanilla marriage. I would think of all the questions I wanted and needed to ask, but when it actually came down to doing so, I clammed up. And I stewed and became resentful of myself for remaining silent. Maybe if I could have said what I needed to say a long time ago, things would have turned out differently for me. *shrugs*

But with Master it is different and I am able to say what I need to say to Him, to ask Him the hard questions and to answer the hard questions from Him. Maybe it's because I know that this relationship is worth fighting for and keeping and I will do anything that I need to to make sure that Master is in my life.

I used to be the exact same way as I found with vanilla relationships, we weren't always trusting enough to give our partner all so worried about their judgement in things we might want to ask and never did.

In M/s relationships, I personally feel that if you are giving your 100% trust to Him, you shouldn't ever fear asking him anything. Now that being said, I do know there are still some things that worry us to ask so in those cases, I try to pick more 'opportune' moments to bring them up or else I just 'blurt' it out if I hold it too long lol

[_ID_]

The hard questions should be asked first IMO. If you can get past those, the rest of the questions should be easy. If the hard questions come up as you discuss things, then ask them at that time.

I would say though that you should ask them in trickle... let the person you're talking to feel like it's a conversation, not an inquisition. Less chance to cause a feeling of needing to be defensive.

[GearJammer]

Adding to the above, not taking away from it, or in opposition to it...

I can't imagine a question too hard for little one to ask. Now, that's from my view, not hers. What could be so hard to ask? (That is NOT indended to make fun of or belittle the original question!) Both she and I know we will ALWAYS get a frank, honest answer from the other. It is the most fundamental basis of our existence.

She may not like the answer.

Hell, I may not like the answer.

But the sooner it is in the open, the sooner I can go about making conditions allow the answer to be just as truthful, but one we can at least live with, if not like.

[thrall]

The hard questions should be asked first IMO. If you can get past those, the rest of the questions should be easy. If the hard questions come up as you discuss things, then ask them at that time.

I would say though that you should ask them in trickle... let the person you're talking to feel like it's a conversation, not an inquisition. Less chance to cause a feeling of needing to be defensive.

I agree....

I ask the hard questions up front. But every now and then something comes up that needs to be asked......and its those unexpected questions that always get me into trouble.......

[Tojo]

Well you strike me as someone with a good deal of courage thrall- I believe we get out of life what we put into.

That applies in just about everything we do-any relationship takes a lot of work.


No pain, no gain!

[NightNurse]

This was a hard thread for me to read! I've always had a difficult time asking the hard questions. As a matter of fact, I stopped speaking up about anything. I learned long ago it didn't make a difference. I envy those who have good communication in their relationships.
So back to the original question- Yes!! the questions should be asked.

[Sir_Russell]

There is an old saying that there is no such thing as hard question just hard answers. I often wonder though if it isn't the reverse that is more often true. Once a question is formulated to actually ask the question correctly the answers is often easy.

Spend you time thinking through the question then listen to be sure it is your question that is answered. If it isn't then re-ask the question with changes based on how it was answered incorrectly

[thrall]

There is an old saying that there is no such thing as hard question just hard answers. I often wonder though if it isn't the reverse that is more often true. Once a question is formulated to actually ask the question correctly the answers is often easy.

Spend you time thinking through the question then listen to be sure it is your question that is answered. If it isn't then re-ask the question with changes based on how it was answered incorrectly

Boy did you ever say a mouthful with that!!.. Yes, it is the hard answers that can be difficult.

With me, all questions are fair game. And i expect the same in return. So i'm alright with answers whatever they may be.

However in my experience there are many who operate on a "need to know" basis or a "Don't ask, don't tell" mode. How do you ask these people hard questions when anything you say may hit the target?

Sometimes even the most innocuous questions can lead to most horrific blow ups!!

I have found that when questions are asked that make someone uncomfortable, hit to close to home, or are all to truthful.........they are the hardest questions to ask......

[gemmy]

Boy did you ever say a mouthful with that!!.. Yes, it is the hard answers that can difficult.

With me, all questions are fair game. And i expect the same in return. So i'm alright with answers whatever they may be.

However in my experience there are many who operate on a "need to know" basis or a "Don't ask, don't tell" mode. How do you ask these people hard questions when anything you say may the target?

Sometimes even the most innocuous questions can lead to most horrific blow ups!!

truly hunnie, if they are turning into big blow-ups, someone has issues and it isn't you

[~minx~]

thrall, thanks so much for giving me the "go ahead" in posting this! *hugs*-- i agree with the replies that you were given so far and i can relate with what you are going through...i remember asking several questions at the start of a recent relationship and so much, was learned about each other-- it was also, agreed that Honesty is a "must have" and "any" question can be asked... however, i learned of a question that has caused many more questions...


A little more than a week ago, i had received a PM from another female member of the library...we were both going to be traveling to the same state and she wanted to check schedules to see if it was possible for us to meet...her, my then Master and me! Schedules conflicted, as she would be leaving and i would be arriving...she said that she will be there a few times over the summer and perhaps, another time, it would happen!

A couple of days had past and while, my then Master and i were talking via YIM...i noticed, the same female who had PMed me, had started a new thread at the library concerning "Protocol". i began reading of a meeting about to take place between her and a Dom (whose identity was withheld) and i knew right away, the Dom she was referring to, was, at that time, my Master....well, the first question was to myself...wondering... why am i just now finding out about this? Why didn't anyone say anything to me? It is stated in the thread that this Dom, was contacted, made aware of plans, and He agreed to meet...as i said, we were at this time talking on yim...i told Him about the thread and asked Him if He was the one she was referring to...He said He didn't know of the thread and that He doubts that it is about Him (he agreed to it?) and then He says, that He will go look....He comes back and says, "I guess you're right, it is about me...but you can't tell anybody" i then asked him, why no one said anything to me about this? He became very angry and replied, "she told me she told you...do you think i would go behind your back, that is insulting and very untrue"...he then signs off.

The next day, i get an email and He tells me that this won't work, that i have trust issues and he is too fucking old for this and that he doesn't want to talk about it...That was the last time..i heard from him!!

The following day...in His post on the "Protocol" thread...He says, that the original meeting was to be, all four of us (?), that i had been released and J-Go wouldn't be there.

So yes, questions can be hard but, i'm glad i found out the answer to mine, even if it did take five months!!

[Whippett]

Interesting comment. When you have trust issues is precisely the time to work on those issues - not just walk away from them.

[gemmy]

Interesting comment. When you have trust issues is precisely the time to work on those issues - not just walk away from them.

Absoutely Whippet! or it only gets harder and far more hurtful

[TomOfSweden]

How do you approach the hard questions?


I hate asking questions that make me uncomfortable!!...i just hate it. I don’t like skulking around the edges, looking at the elephant and never talking about it. Bing a sub can sometimes cause a problem with my natural inclination to take on problems head on.

Being in an open communication relationship makes talking about problems or nagging questions easier, but sometimes even that isn’t enough. I still feel uncomfortable asking questions that could become……..problematic.

All the hard questions, sometimes easy questions, normal natural questions can sometimes spin out of control. I never know what the breaking point is……….I am always afraid of my simple questions being over-reacted too. I never know when something I want to talk about will cause a defensive reaction…

But I ask anyway, as uncomfortable as I am……..i still always ask. That is what a D/s relationship is all about……….open, honest, communication.

I plan on meeting someone next month……..and its time for all the very hard questions…..but as uncomfortable as I am…….i still need to know the answers…….and will risk the responses….

So my question is this…….

Do you ask questions that may cause problems…….or stay silent??

I suggest writing them down and try to break them up into smaller questions. Make them as specific as possible. Preferably yes/no questions.

If it's the proximity or the intimacy that's the issue, then write them to him, so he answers in a way you don't have to look at his reaction. Which it is all about isn't it?

I wish I was more sensitive about asking big questions. I've created "room of silence" a few times.

And yes, of course you should ask questions that may cause problems. Those are always the most important questions, aren't they? If you get an answer you weren't hoping for, it is still good, because then you can drop this guy and move on to somebody who is right for you.

[~minx~]

Interesting comment. When you have trust issues is precisely the time to work on those issues - not just walk away from them.

Trust and Honesty, i believe is the foundation to any relationship and without them, all will crumble!

i can see, to an extent, where my question, "why" could lead one to think that there is a lack of trust but, at the same time....what provoked the question?

[Warbaby1943]

thrall, thanks so much for giving me the "go ahead" in posting this! *hugs*-- i agree with the replies that you were given so far and i can relate with what you are going through...i remember asking several questions at the start of a recent relationship and so much, was learned about each other-- it was also, agreed that Honesty is a "must have" and "any" question can be asked... however, i learned of a question that has caused many more questions...


A little more than a week ago, i had received a PM from another female member of the library...we were both going to be traveling to the same state and she wanted to check schedules to see if it was possible for us to meet...her, my then Master and me! Schedules conflicted, as she would be leaving and i would be arriving...she said that she will be there a few times over the summer and perhaps, another time, it would happen!

A couple of days had past and while, my then Master and i were talking via YIM...i noticed, the same female who had PMed me, had started a new thread at the library concerning "Protocol". i began reading of a meeting about to take place between her and a Dom (whose identity was withheld) and i knew right away, the Dom she was referring to, was, at that time, my Master....well, the first question was to myself...wondering... why am i just now finding out about this? Why didn't anyone say anything to me? It is stated in the thread that this Dom, was contacted, made aware of plans, and He agreed to meet...as i said, we were at this time talking on yim...i told Him about the thread and asked Him if He was the one she was referring to...He said He didn't know of the thread and that He doubts that it is about Him (he agreed to it?) and then He says, that He will go look....He comes back and says, "I guess you're right, it is about me...but you can't tell anybody" i then asked him, why no one said anything to me about this? He became very angry and replied, "she told me she told you...do you think i would go behind your back, that is insulting and very untrue"...he then signs off.

The next day, i get an email and He tells me that this won't work, that i have trust issues and he is too fucking old for this and that he doesn't want to talk about it...That was the last time..i heard from him!!

The following day...in His post on the "Protocol" thread...He says, that the original meeting was to be, all four of us (?), that i had been released and J-Go wouldn't be there.

So yes, questions can be hard but, i'm glad i found out the answer to mine, even if it did take five months!!

I think you did absolutely nothing wrong and all the fault lies with your then Dom who everyone knows by now who it is. He should have welcomed your concern rather then lashing out at you and then turning his anger on others trying to make a reasonable post in the protocol thread. Maybe he isn't the person you thought he was and many of us should not have looked up to as we did. Be happy you found out early.

Also for the record I think Whippett gives great advise and while listening to him I see no way of going wrong or being lead astray.

Thrall you magnificent lady, you did it again. **wink**

Hugs

[Whippett]

Trust and Honesty, i believe is the foundation to any relationship and without them, all will crumble!

i can see, to an extent, where my question, "why" could lead one to think that there is a lack of trust but, at the same time....what provoked the question?

Precisely - without trust and honesty - no relationship stands a chance - vanilla or kink. And yes - if there is a perception of lack of trust - that is precisely the time to address it and provide the answers you need to hear...whether they are hard answers for you to hear or hard answers for the Dom to give.

Silence is the relationship killer - not honesty!

[gemmy]

I suggest writing them down and try to break them up into smaller questions. Make them as specific as possible. Preferably yes/no questions.

If it's the proximity or the intimacy that's the issue, then write them to him, so he answers in a way you don't have to look at his reaction. Which it is all about isn't it?

I wish I was more sensitive about asking big questions. I've created "room of silence" a few times.

And yes, of course you should ask questions that may cause problems. Those are always the most important questions, aren't they? If you get an answer you weren't hoping for, it is still good, because then you can drop this guy and move on to somebody who is right for you.

Maybe some questions are too hard to ask based simply on the 'asker' not wanting to hear the answer? Which, of course, if true then it's imperative to ask and clear the air

[thrall]

.

Silence is the relationship killer

Alright....conundrum


Being silent with questions that need to be asked......or being silent with the answers that need to be given....

If you don't ask the hard questions and stay silent.....it doesn't cause the problems.....but if you do ask the questions.....the messenger may be killed....

You are encouraged to ask questions........just not some questions...

its a catch 22.....a no win situation....

[Whippett]

Alright....conundrum


Being silent with questions that need to be asked......or being silent with the answers that need to be given....

If you don't ask the hard questions and stay silent.....it doesn't cause the problems.....but if you do ask the questions.....the messenger may be killed....

You are encouraged to ask questions........just not some questions...

its a catch 22.....a no win situation....

Both thrall - if you don't ask because you're afraid of the answer that will be a constant sore as well. And the messenger should never be killed - lol.

Besides - if there is openness - then the reality ought to be that (as Tom said) even if you don't like the question - or the answer - at least it's in the open where together you can work on the issue to come to a place where both can live with the truth, however hard it is.

[jeanne]

Do you think you could all be done with you pseudo-secret character assassination? It's boring and beneath us all.

[thrall]

Do you think you could all be done with you pseudo-secret character assassination? It's boring and beneath us all.

Its a valid serious question.....

How do you ask the hard questions???......

I am in this conundrum........i don't like asking questions the are uncomfortable.....i don't like it one bit...but i do it.

I know very well that there are going to be things that i am going to ask/say that may not be pleasant....on either side...

so....again.....is it better to stay silent or to ask the hard questions??