Why do most subs come with an abused background? Don't abuse them

[Rhabbi]

This is unacceptable...........A real dominant would NOT take on a sub who has been abused and knows no better

A real Dominant knows how to help a sub deal with their past and the emotions that it causes.

[jiggy]

thanks for all the welcome back PM's. Nice to know I am loved!

[Sir_Russell]

well said nk_lion. I really hate this discussion because there is so much left out, is the Dom a concerned one or is he just an abuser. No one knows the details of each relationship including those in it.

I am offended that anyone would think that I would abuse someone no matter what their past was.

[Rhabbi]

well said nk_lion. I really hate this discussion because there is so much left out, is the Dom a concerned one or is he just an abuser. No one knows the details of each relationship including those in it.

I am offended that anyone would think that I would abuse someone no matter what their past was.

I agree Russell, just because a sub has been abused in the past, does not mean I would abuse her.

[jiggy]

there are many who would take advantage of such a situation to suit their own agenda

[Rhabbi]

jiggy, there will alwsys be those who take advantage of others. i see my job as trying to prevent that. I do that through being a friend, helping when I can, and being there. But there are just too many people who are hurt for me to try to keep them out of this life, especially if that is what they want.

[Sir_Russell]

most of the abusers are from out of the life. I doubt that there is 10 percent of us that haven't been abused in a physical manner.

I remember about 30 years ago a group of us meet undercover in Tampa to share life and socialize. One day an abuser posing as a Dom convinced a young female member that he would take her as his sub. He took her to a cheap motel, tied her and beat her badly, no matter what she begged for. She was a group pet so a group of us beat this guy badly put him on a bus with instructions to never been in our area again. We as a group chipped in to cover her medical expenses.

Today I would like for there to be a way to post these assholes on the net for warning of where ever they go to next.

[bad_kitty_77]

Can (and will) only speak for myself: though I grew up with an emotionally, psychologically and (somewhat) physically abusive father, I had submissive desires and fascinations long before such treatment began. I really don't think my enjoyment of (acute) physical pain, or the desire to be dominated has anything to do with my dad, or how he treated me as a child; but that's just one opinion.

[jiggy]

kitty you may trying to convince yourself that is the case but alas.............................it may very well not be the case. It is common for abused people to try to repress and forget their horrible past

[cbtboyuk]

i just wanted to say that i'm not from an abused back ground. My parents were and are loving, stable and supportive. We weren't rich, but my childhood was a delightful one and i never felt i wanted for anything, except when flares went out of fashion suddenly at my school, but i still had to wear mine for a bit while my mum took them in. The trauma.

My first ever memory is of watching cub scouts (who seemed like really big boys at the time) viciously hog-tie one of their friends. i remember i always adored the bondage scenes in Nancy Drew and Scooby Doo. And at 13 and a half, i saw a man dropped by an accidental kick to balls, which seemed ridiculous given the strength of the blow, until my best friend told me that it REALLY hurt if you got hit DOWN THERE. As soon as i could get to my bedroom i was smacking my cock and balls and i've been doing it/having it done ever since.

my one abusive experience had nothing to do with home or BDSM for that matter, it was caused by the horrible homophobic policies and atmosphere of the Uk in the late 80's which meant that young men like me were left entirely isolated and uneducated about gay sex. i put myself in a very dangerous situation and was raped - that's how i lost my virginity. It was not a bdsm thing, just "Vanilla" sex.

That man nearly broke me, but luckily i started a Dom/sub relationship about a year later with an older man with dungeon who not only taught me all about bdsm, helped me explore my fantasies and sexuality and taught me about my body and what it could do, but also started the healing process. i did wonder for while whether it was my fault that i was raped, and whether it was my sub/masochistic tendencies that put me in that situation, but that is rubbish. I was naive, isolated and more concerned about being outed than my own safety. He showed me - through our sm relationship - a route to being whole again.

i totally think it is my bdsm stuff that has helped me, because consent is so crucial, and by thinking carefully about those issues, i came to realise that i was not to blame for what had happened to me, and that there was no connection between what turned me on and a violent act perpertrated against me.

i do not play punishment scenes. i do not get hurt because i am bad, or deserve it or don't deserve love. i've had racial abuse and i've had homophobic abuse, and there are no similarities between that and what i do with my Master/Doms.

i do it cos it makes my cock hard - cos it makes His cock hard. Because the pain makes me burn with joy like a bright flame, because it affirms me and the fact that i am alive. i live to be told that i'm a "good boy" and for the moment He holds my tearstreaked face in His hands and tells me i'm beautiful and that He loves me. Because the pain is the conduit for His love.

i have single tail whip scars on my back from a scene in Sydney three years ago. It was one of the most elegant, loving and spiritual experiences of my life. It was like we were dancing together, like he was painting my back with feathers made of fire or silk razors. We could tell what the other was thinking and feeling. i wept for joy.

This is not abuse, is it?

[Rhabbi]

most of the abusers are from out of the life. I doubt that there is 10 percent of us that haven't been abused in a physical manner.

I remember about 30 years ago a group of us meet undercover in Tampa to share life and socialize. One day an abuser posing as a Dom convinced a young female member that he would take her as his sub. He took her to a cheap motel, tied her and beat her badly, no matter what she begged for. She was a group pet so a group of us beat this guy badly put him on a bus with instructions to never been in our area again. We as a group chipped in to cover her medical expenses.

Today I would like for there to be a way to post these assholes on the net for warning of where ever they go to next.

I would love to see something like this Russell, it would make this internet a safer pace for all of us.

[Rhabbi]

kitty you may trying to convince yourself that is the case but alas.............................it may very well not be the case. It is common for abused people to try to repress and forget their horrible past

jiggy, just when I thought you were improving you come back out like this. shame on you.

I know people with repressed memories, and it is an extremely rare thing. I do not know the stats but personal experience shows me that most people remember the abuse quite well. kitty is free about admitting the abuse, and my personal guess is that her submissive tendencies triggered it at least in part.

kitty, this does not make this abuse your fault. What I am saying is is that your father saw your sub tendencies, and took advantage of them. this is what abusers do, they take advantage of people and opportunities.

[mysc]

I absolutly agree with Rhabbi here. I have been abused when I was 2 years old (and I do not remember that event... but have the consequenses tho) and as a result vulnarable and scared off easily. After some kids picked that up at school I was teased (and not just kids stuff, but heavily teased) until I was 15 years old. At that age my walls of self defence were zero and I was happy with any attention I could get...good or bad. So when I got my first bf I said no but didn't act upon it. After some relationships something snapped and I had no emotions whatshowever about anything anymore. I was the abuser and used men just to dump them afterwards. My sex life got more and more extreme because I just wanted to feel something. Well at 17 I ran into the wrong Dom and eventho I promised myself not to do anything against my will anymore I did it anyway. And that's even worse...

Now it's an outlet, yes I am still extreme, but it's in control. It gives me a powerful feeling that even when it *looks* like abuse to others I can stop it any time I want to. And that's something that I was looking for all my life. I want to be able to stop it, and enjoy the pain, embarressment, love and lust and when I can't handle it simply stop it...

[Uncle_Ed]

Sexual abuse:The improper use of another person for sexual purposes, generally without their consent or under physical or psychological pressure (which may include children whether abused by parents, those in loco parentis or strangers).
Physical abuse: Where one person inflicts physical violence or pain on another.
Verbal abuse: When a person uses profanity, demeaning talk, or threatening statements.

A question, jiggy. Tricking a sub and pissing down her throat? (From another of your posts) Would that not be classed as abuse? Forgive me-but I am confused by this. You appear to dismiss a large proportion of subs, yet at the same time seem, in my opinion, to be possibly verging on abuse yourself? I am interested as my own experience clearly doesn't match your own. I only know that I have sat here many times and been moved to tears by the admissions of some subs-many of whom are well-balanced, intelligent people who have come to terms with their sexuality and their leanings. They have not supressed their memories-otherwise would be unable to openly chat about them. I cannot accept that such brave souls are victims any longer or have been diminished by their experiences. I can, however, believe that some abusers have tainted their souls by their actions.

[Lottie]

I've had an ideal childhood, and loving parents. I was talking with someone who hadn't been as fortunate recently, and I think I shocked him slightly.

See, we had similar interests, beliefs and attitudes towards life. He found it impossible to comprehend that two people with such contrasting backgrounds could turn out sharing so much in common. There's no detracting from the harmful effects of abuse but - jiggy - it isn't the be all and end all of what makes us 'us.'

Look around you - read the posts. Learn.

[Iron_Lynx]

I'm really not following how you can imply that anyone who's been sexually abused can't be a balanced person who understands what they're getting into when it comes to BDSM. I admit that I was molested at a young age, but I've managed to grow since then. I didn't walk into this lifestyle blind to my options. I chose it because it suits me, not because it's all that I know.

Now, I admit that it's possible for someone used to abuse to to continue to seek it out simply because it's what they know, but that's not a given response for all people. The fact that someone has been abused really impllies very little about who they are at present, which is really all that should matter.

[cariad]

I know that I am a sub whether or not I have a Dom, and I believe that applies to many, if not most or all subs. It is not something I have a choice about. Neither is it something which I want to change, it is part of me which I have come to terms with and embraced.

Yes, I have also been abused, and I would venture to suggest that was because I was giving out submissive signals long before I was aware of such things.

One of the things which has helped me to recover from that abuse is a loving and supportive Dom. From within that relationship I am able to see how the significant physical pain which he inflicts on me is something good and how the much more minor physical pain, although severe mental and emotional pain and confusion which was inflicted on me by my abuser was bad pain.

Without my good Dom, it would have taken me much longer to reach that understanding.

I have much greater concerns about abused people taking on a Dominant role before they have worked through issues of revenge and unforgiveness. That, I believe, is when, sometimes, there can be a real danger.

cariad

[Hime]

This thread is pretty much removed from my experience. I am a sub and have never been abused; my husband is a dom and was sexually abused as a child by a step-parent. I can see, though, how someone who had been abused might be interested in BDSM as a controlled situation in which to face the things that were difficult to think about or remember on their own. In that context, I don't think it would be irresponsible for their partner to dominate them as long as both partners were honest about their expectations and limits and attentive to whether someone was getting overwhelmed or upset.

[Sadistic1]

I dont think anyone has the right to judge a person that has been abused. If anything a person abused would not choose this lifestyle especially my fortay which is hardcore S & M. I met my girl 4 years ago. In the early discussions she advised me of her past, which I wont discuss because it was in confidence.

I can honestly say my cg has very high standards and is an excellent slave who sets a fine example to others and her past has never stopped her from being the person she is today in fact its made her better.

Now as her Master I do not treat her any differant because of her past. I just do what I do best, Master her in every way I know.

Her past has just made her more understanding to others, if there was a fault in that its that she does too much for others and not enough for herself, but how can I disagree with that when in fact all she does is make myself and other happy and smile....

Keep the great work up my girl, I am very proud of who you are and where you come from..

smiles

with love

Your Devoted Master and partner.

[cariad]

Ohhhhhh, what a wonderful post. Thank you Sadistic1. Feeling all gooey inside now...

The breadth and depth of your love for, and cherishing of your slave, oozed through every word.

cariad

[Sadistic1]

Ohhhhhh, what a wonderful post. Thank you Sadistic1. Feeling all gooey inside now...

The breadth and depth of your love for, and cherishing of your slave, oozed through every word.

cariad

Thank you cariad, its very easy to speak the truth about someone you love so dearly.

sometimes good things come out of abuse....smiles...you change your direction and find someone who cares and loves you...

Thankyou again for your kind words.

big hugs..

[Iron_Lynx]

sometimes good things come out of abuse....smiles...you change your direction and find someone who cares and loves you...

I find that life usually balances out like that. Tremendous pain or hardship tends to be followed by such good things. Though, wonderful things eventually crash or taper off to a mild pleasantness. To me it just seems to be the cyclical nature of life.

I'm not by any means saying that relationships have to crash or lose all their fire, but keeping things changing in the relationship or even going through some hard times together definitely makes things more interesting, and thus passionate.

And for the record, both my Mistress and I have suffered abuse as children. I'll give no details beyond that, but I don't believe it means it's in our best interests to be excluded from this lifestyle. I think, to the contrary, we do a lot of good for each other.

[Sadistic1]

I find that life usually balances out like that. Tremendous pain or hardship tends to be followed by such good things. Though, wonderful things eventually crash or taper off to a mild pleasantness. To me it just seems to be the cyclical nature of life.

I'm not by any means saying that relationships have to crash or lose all their fire, but keeping things changing in the relationship or even going through some hard times together definitely makes things more interesting, and thus passionate.

And for the record, both my Mistress and I have suffered abuse as children. I'll give no details beyond that, but I don't believe it means it's in our best interests to be excluded from this lifestyle. I think, to the contrary, we do a lot of good for each other.

Well said and your right you both excel with each other..

[slaveangel{HM}]

I was driving home when I thought about this thread...

Whatever the sub and her Dom do is founded on a relationship of trust and respect. The submissive trusts her Master in what they do, He knows best and knows his girl well enough to gauge reactions and difficulties. Some might think that the abuse is continuing, but if the submissive of her own free will allows this, then it is her choice and safe words are always there in the back of her mind. But with time and trust, while the word is there, it is seldom used, unless during a play session there are cases of flashbacks or sudden fear to escape the situation - which I can relate to and thankfully I have a Dom who understands this and knows how to reassure and change the mind set.

The difference is the person abused didn't let what happened to them happen with free will or because they wanted it....it was done to them against their beliefs against their will, or done to them without even realising it was abuse when they confided in others.

That is why it can work, if you have a partner who you can trust with your heart and mind to take these steps, then it isn't abuse because it is willing on both sides.