Trust (or lack thereof)

[gemmy]

Mine didn't end easily at all... Nearly two months after the fact, he walked in my front door, tackled me, and kicked the s*** outta' me. Not a great way to spend three hours of one's life, we'll put it that way. However, the experience drives home the point that people who are insecure (regardless of their experiences with their current partner) tend to have issues that deeper attempts at trust building often fail to correct.

Cadence chimed in with a great point, that she is slow to offer trust and, frankly, so am I. However, there is a HUGE difference between lack of trust, and mistrust. I stated before and I'll mention again: both trust AND mistrust have to be earned. Like Cadence, I am slow to give up the core of who I am to people. It's hard, and it requires my partner to show patience. But there's a big difference between holding your own cards close to the vest for awhile and jumping all over another person for suspected indiscretions.

Sorry to hear that Amber hun and yes, I too have spent those kinds of hours and some even in the hospital. It may very well be a root to my lack of trust in people or maybe it has something to do with my mother dumping me at five and so many other things in my past lol which is why my reasons for my opinions are mine alone.

You make such a great point about the lack of trust vs mistrust and one that people hopefully can clearly see the differences in. Although, I don't trust many people and find it hard to give it to anyone for fear of them hurting me, I don't generally mistrust (expect them to fu*k up) anyone (well unless they completely creep me out haha!) - So that is to say, although I don't trust easily, I do trust and once given is wholly believed until it is otherwise broken.

[tessa]

You make such a great point about the lack of trust vs mistrust and one that people hopefully can clearly see the differences in.

Ditto!

[Logic1]

I am one of those trusting persons aswell. I have hurt from this just like everybody else and I keep trusting people. I like that fact about me even though sometimes it has hurt like hell.

Trust AND mistrust has to be earned from me. I try and start off everybody at a clean state of "0" so to speak and then they have to build and hopefully not destroy what was built up trustwise.
Some people just oozes trustworthyness and my girl is one of those and she says that I am that person too so were both very happy .

[orangeblossoms]

Mine didn't end easily at all... Nearly two months after the fact, he walked in my front door, tackled me, and kicked the s*** outta' me. Not a great way to spend three hours of one's life, we'll put it that way. However, the experience drives home the point that people who are insecure (regardless of their experiences with their current partner) tend to have issues that deeper attempts at trust building often fail to correct.

Cadence chimed in with a great point, that she is slow to offer trust and, frankly, so am I. However, there is a HUGE difference between lack of trust, and mistrust. I stated before and I'll mention again: both trust AND mistrust have to be earned. Like Cadence, I am slow to give up the core of who I am to people. It's hard, and it requires my partner to show patience. But there's a big difference between holding your own cards close to the vest for awhile and jumping all over another person for suspected indiscretions.

Then it ended the exact same way for us both....

[orangeblossoms]

I am one of those trusting persons aswell. I have hurt from this just like everybody else and I keep trusting people. I like that fact about me even though sometimes it has hurt like hell.

Trust AND mistrust has to be earned from me. I try and start off everybody at a clean state of "0" so to speak and then they have to build and hopefully not destroy what was built up trustwise.
Some people just oozes trustworthyness and my girl is one of those and she says that I am that person too so were both very happy .

Your post merited an AWWWWWWWWW!

[tessa]

I am one of those trusting persons aswell. I have hurt from this just like everybody else and I keep trusting people. I like that fact about me even though sometimes it has hurt like hell.

I want to be more like this. It sounds rather liberating.

Some people just oozes trustworthyness and my girl is one of those and she says that I am that person too so were both very happy .

What a wonderful way to express that.

I'm worth a fucking phone call, damn it! *cries*

Yes, sweetie, you are. Actually, you're worth so much more. ~hugs~

[theladystouch]

I'd label your behaviour as smart, and mine as naive. Of course, if you have a distrusting nature you won't be taken for a fool as easily. But I'm still going for my naivety. Even though it's cost me in all kinds of ways, within relationships and without. I like to trust people.

For me it's simply a question of peace of mind. Being the smartest isn't always the best.

Just do what works for you. If you're so distrusting you're pushing men you'd like to be with away... well... then you've got issues. Otherwise I wouldn't worry about it. Changing our nature is, if at all possible, lots of hard work. Better to work with what you've got.

If you're inclined to being distrusting, then tell it to your guy. And just tell him, that if he wants to make you happy, there are things he needs to refrain from doing. Things that trigger your fears. As long as he does those, you'll have peace of mind and everything is great. Of course you have to give him something in return. Putting up with ones partners annoying features, (which we all have) is down to give and take, isn't it?

But if you're always distrusting no matter what he does. Then it's issues. Then it shouldn't be expressed at all, other than just explaining that you're having one of your "psycho episodes" and you just need a hug, or what ever works for you. Because if you express it, you'll just wear him down, and he'll become resentful. Just like Russell told us in his story, right?

I'm relatively new to the boards, and I don't want anything from you, don't even really expect a reply. I just have to say it:

"Wow! What an intelligent, and self-aware way to live life."

I'll now go back to my corner and see if I can sum up my philosophy as well as you have. Thank you for sharing. You made quite an impression.

[Alex Bragi]

*ss* That's our Tom for ya.

[TomOfSweden]

*ss* That's our Tom for ya.

he he. Now I'm blushing.

[gustaf]

Mine didn't end easily at all... Nearly two months after the fact, he walked in my front door, tackled me, and kicked the s*** outta' me. Not a great way to spend three hours of one's life, we'll put it that way. However, the experience drives home the point that people who are insecure (regardless of their experiences with their current partner) tend to have issues that deeper attempts at trust building often fail to correct.

I find myself in a similar situation...my last relationship ended because I wouldn't "beat the shit" out of her. Ironic perhaps? Trust was violated, in my situation, at the point I understood she had very low self esteem and I was the pawn she was using to verify her own lack of self worth…it made me sick!

[Stone]

trust should be earned and given its a 2-way street

[Mr.FixIt]

In another thread "Discipline Exercises" I thought I had "coined a phrase", but was quickly corrected. I am certain that I did coin the following phrase: "Dog shit smells like dog shit".

Someday my grandchildren will say "Like Grand-dad always said--Dog shit smells like dog shit"! Yes, I am a redneck, and I would be proud for my grandchildren to quote me on this one! But, every time that I use the phrase I get confused looks from folks that are very similar to the looks that a dog will give you when he doesn't understand what you are saying to him--you know, when the dog's head tilts slightly left and then back to the right! So, I assume that you all are giving your computer monitors the same look right now, and I will explain.

When a dog shits in the floor, it stinks. You can spray air freshener, sprinkle potpourri, and Lysol, but the shit still stinks. In fact, the room then smells like roses, potpourri, Lysol and SHIT! Every dog shit that you have ever experienced has always had a terrible odor that just won't go away. So, why the hell would you expect the next nasty pile of dog shit that you step in would not smell the same. The only way to avoid the smell of dog shit is to avoid dog shit, DUH!!!

To clarify, you should take things as they are, and should not expect them to be any different than what they are. If you are dating an alcoholic, don't think that you can change that and miraculously make them a better person. If your family has always ostracized you, don't think that suddenly you will be accepted into the fold. If your boss has always been a dick, don't think that because you worked your ass off on a project you will suddenly be appreciated by him/her. And to drive my point home: If you have reason to not trust the person that you are involved in a relationship with--STOP THINKING THAT DOG SHIT WILL NOT SMELL LIKE DOGSHIT!

On the other hand, if you have no reason to mistrust the person, stop assuming that they are dog shit. However; if you mistrust without reason, you should look at yourself and consider why you mistrust them. Have you done something yourself that would lead you to believe that your partner must also be doing something wrong?

Either way, I must re-iterate my "original coined phrase", dog shit smells like dog shit. We're all here because we have various kinks, fetishes, and turn-ons. Maybe you like dog shit, who am I to judge? But if you don't like dog shit, do what I do and throw it in your neighbor's yard!

[DowntownAmber]

I find myself in a similar situation...my last relationship ended because I wouldn't "beat the shit" out of her. Ironic perhaps? Trust was violated, in my situation, at the point I understood she had very low self esteem and I was the pawn she was using to verify her own lack of self worth…it made me sick!

Any relationship used to either mask or to validate low self esteem needs to have the brakes put on it, and put on QUICKLY. It makes no difference if the self esteem is the cause for the love, or the cause for the hate; it's bad news for both parties involved.

[H Dean]

Those who do not trust generally do not deserve trusting. People project themselves onto others. It's that simple.

[Logic1]

Your post merited an AWWWWWWWWW!

hahaha. That is what my girl and her girlfriends say aswell. Not just about things I say but about cute children or a cute whatever..Must be a female expression. Sure sounds kinda cute though

thank you though!

[ashtonDs]

Originally posted by lily27:
Is it enough to just say "trust me?"

At first I was going to say no, absolutely not. But then I thought about it awhile, (couple of days) and now I say it really depends on where your relationship is. If someone you don't know says, "Hey, I'm a Dom/me, you're a sub, trust me," what do you do? You have no relationship with this person, know nothing about them, and just like that *snaps fingers* you're supposed to believe what they say and trust your safety to them? No. You get away from them as soon as you can.

On the other hand, your Dom/me of many years says, "Come here I would like you to try this." And you say, "I don't feel very comfortable doing that." What do you do if they say, "Look, I won't let anything happen to you, trust me." You will probably go along with it and try it.

The words, without a situation around them, are just words. In the context of a paticular situation they take on meaning. As we respond to these questions we all attach a situation to the question then answer it.

(This is a situation where it looks as if I was being paid for using the word "situation" as often as the situation lends itself, doesn't it? I'm not even sure I know what that last paragraph means. geesh )