Introducing BDSM to spouse

[sexyredhead]

I'm new to all of this and have very limited experience in this lifestyle. I have been with my husband for 12 years now. We were planning a separation but now are trying to work things out. Sexually speaking our relationship has hit a dead end. I don't know if he'd be into domination but it's worth a shot to find out.
I am looking for advice on how to start the discussion with him. Should I sit him down and have the conversation or try some things in the bedroom first? Any and all advice is much appreciated!

[openyoureyes]

You could start with subtle things you say or do and see how he responds to them. That way you can gauge his reaction before actually having a conversation about things.

Although I'm not sure I'd have a big "let's sit down" talk about it, because it could come off as intimidating to him, or he might think it's a criticism, and the conversation might turn into an argument. Whereas, in the throws of passion, you could suggest he tie you up, or tell him it's ok if he smacks your ass.

Do you already use dirty talk at all? If you do, it'd be easy to ask different questions or suggest things that would bring out his dominant side. If you don't, you could start and see how well received that is with him. Before I ever got involved with a Dom, whenever I would call a guy I was dating "sir" it would almost universally be well received and bring out a bit of their bossy side. You'll find out pretty quickly just by making suggestions, experimenting, and seeing how that goes. The conversation might happen afterward, "So, did you like that? Would you want to do that again?" etc. With one of my exes, I had asked him to hold me down and/or use some sort of bondage and I figured out pretty quickly that he wasn't into that, while another ex just tried it one day and was surprised by how well I responded to it.

[Jennifer Williams]

Are you into BDSM? I'm not sure from your post if it's something you're into or if you're just trying to guess what he's into.

I think every person is different. Some guys would respond better to talking first, some would respond better to doing first. I don't know your husband so I'm reluctant to say which would be better for him. How good are you guys at communicating in general? Are you able to talk to him about sexual things? You might want to simply start there, maybe simply ask him if he'd be willing to try new things in bed (new could be anything, doesn't have to be BDSM). See what he comes up with.

If you're not able to communicate like that, then you could try as openyoureyes suggested perhaps. But a lot of BDSM is communication, so at some point talking would be necessary. But since you're trying to save your marriage, talking is necessary anyway, so who knows, it might help encourage your communication skills.

Good luck with whatever you try. I hope it works out for you.

[fetishdj]

There is always the old trick of 'lets write down our fantasies and share them'. Suggest this to him, you both write a list and then you swap and discuss the lists. Make sure you tell him that there is no judgement or criticism allowed and that you both promise to try out at least one thing from each other's list sometime soon.

This takes away a lot of confrontation and potential for argument, can be a fun activity to do together and may reveal somethings about your husband that you did not know...

[flying66]

well honestly you know him best and different people have different reactions to bdsm. If you outirght say "I want to try some kinky things in the bedroom" he might be thinking anything from "she wants to wear leather and use a bullwhip on me?" to "so... she wants me to lightly spank her on the behind?"

people have different ideas of what bdsm is especially if they're not really in the community... I know some people think "OMG! BDSM??? like whips and chains???" and not realize at all that a simple scarf to the headboard and getting tickled with feathers is considered light bondage.

I suggest being SPECIFIC about what you want to try be it blindfolding or complicated rope-work.

[Master?]

Perhaps one way to test the waters is to find a website or even a sex shop selling furry handcuffs and blindfolds and see what his reaction to the "fun" side is. If he is open to that - you can then move deeper into BDSM, but if he has no reaction to the fun stuff, it is probably not worth going further.

[sexyredhead]

Thanks everyone for your responses. I think I might try to spice some things up tonight!

[Jennifer Williams]

How did it go?

[fetishdj]

Report! Details!!!!

[sexyredhead]

Lol, you guys are great! I wish I had a good story to tell but unfortunately he wanted to be in a bad mood and argue with me the past few nights. So, no fun yet.

[TwistedTails]

Lol, you guys are great! I wish I had a good story to tell but unfortunately he wanted to be in a bad mood and argue with me the past few nights. So, no fun yet.

An argument? Could have been a perfect opportunity try out an "As you wish Sir" or even an "I stand corrected Sir. How can I make this up to you?".

You could have tried it on for size, and got a look at his reaction too.
(if the situation was appropiate of course)

Sometimes it takes sprinkling a little submission dust in the air to bring out that inner Dominant you are lookin for.

Cheers,
Twisted

[Jennifer Williams]

Submission dust? Is that how they seduce us?

[TwistedTails]

Submission dust? Is that how they seduce us?

I would never rule it out. Some little ones are wiley.

[englishsubgirl]

i have been in a long term relationship and my partner is very vanilla. I have mentioned repeatedly that i would like to be his slave etc. However at most i get a very tame'scene' every now and then but only if i 'top from the bottom' which i hate doing. I have shown him websites and stories etc and he does seem to enjoy what happens at the time, but it is never at his instigation. How can i get him to really take the reins without either nagging or topping from below?

[Jennifer Williams]

You can't make someone else do something. All you can do is tell him what you want, be clear, and possibly repeat yourself a lot. If he's willing to work on learning what you want, then be patient. If he doesn't want to, then you're out of luck; you can't make a person want to dominate.

[fetishdj]

I would never rule it out. Some little ones are wiley.

I can neither confirm nor deny the existence or not of something called 'submissive dust'. It is ludicrous to assume that subs have a means, available in powder form, to generate a level of control over thier Doms which can be purchased at reasonable prices from the web pages which I absolutely forbid all subs from looking at.

This is not the explanation you are looking for. Please move on.

[fetishdj]

i have been in a long term relationship and my partner is very vanilla. I have mentioned repeatedly that i would like to be his slave etc. However at most i get a very tame'scene' every now and then but only if i 'top from the bottom' which i hate doing. I have shown him websites and stories etc and he does seem to enjoy what happens at the time, but it is never at his instigation. How can i get him to really take the reins without either nagging or topping from below?

As Jennifer says, you cannot change someone's essential nature. I think in this situation you need to look at something more mutual.

Share fantasies. Write them down and share them as 'a fun thing to do' one night. Do this over a few drinks in a relaxing atmosphere - maybe after dinner or even before/after sex (it is true, anything a woman wants all she has to do is ask before sex... ). Now, your fantasies we already know but what about his? You need to look at those and work out how you might achieve them.

The deal is then this: at least once a week you have 'special time'. Clear all appointments, take the phone off the hook, ensure there are no interruptions. Each special time you take it in turns to carry out one of your partner's fantasies. The rule is that you do this as exactly as you can, within your own skill set and cost limits and safety limits. You don't even have to tell each other which ones you are going to do, let that be a surprise. The reward (for both of you) is that you know that next week it is your turn. And this only works if you are both willing to carry it out fairly. This, of course, may mean you doing something you do not like much. It may be you Topping him, it may be dressing up for him, it could be anything. Unless you are prepared to make that sacrifice for him, he has no incentive to make a similar sacrifice for you.

Now, for your part, you need to avoid Topping from the bottom. You do this by making sure that your fantasies are detailed - so he knows what to do when he does it - but that you don't interfere (unless for safety) once he starts. If you try to influence him, its a punishment. Relax and let him follow the scene through. As a sub, you are allowed to influence things before the scene (by negotiation) and after the scene (in feedback/aftercare) but not during.

[englishsubgirl]

thankyou. These are excellent suggestions. We are about to go on holiday for a week with parents so its probably best not to do it this week...! But i will definitely try it on our return. X

[Jennifer Williams]

As a sub, you are allowed to influence things before the scene (by negotiation) and after the scene (in feedback/aftercare) but not during.

I've never heard this stated so clearly before. I love this attitude; I think it clears up a lot of the murk surrounding "topping from the bottom" and what kinds of rights subs have to make their opinions heard and such. Thank you fetish, for such brilliant words.

Have fun on your vacation, english! And now look at all you have to look forward to when you return home

[TwistedTails]

I can neither confirm nor deny the existence or not of something called 'submissive dust'. It is ludicrous to assume that subs have a means, available in powder form, to generate a level of control over thier Doms which can be purchased at reasonable prices from the web pages which I absolutely forbid all subs from looking at.

This is not the explanation you are looking for. Please move on.

Oh my! When I came back and read this, I laughed so hard I think I may have sprained my funny bone. LMAO!

[brwneydgirl]

Oh my! When I came back and read this, I laughed so hard I think I may have sprained my funny bone. LMAO!

Oh really? I have some *magic dust* right here in my pocket that can cure that...just come a little closer...

~~Thanks for the web page info, fetish...er...I mean...ohhh, forget it.

[englishsubgirl]

I've never heard this stated so clearly before. I love this attitude; I think it clears up a lot of the murk surrounding "topping from the bottom" and what kinds of rights subs have to make their opinions heard and such. Thank you fetish, for such brilliant words.

Have fun on your vacation, english! And now look at all you have to look forward to when you return home

just thought i would let you know that while packing earlier today, my SO put about twenty condoms, which would get used anyway in vanilla sex, and a tube of lube, which wouldn't, unless its for something a bit more kinky, in the bag. So who Knows?! It may start early than we thought!

[Jennifer Williams]

It never hurts to plan ahead! Better to have condoms and not use them than to want them and not have them.

And lube is used in vanilla sex (just not quite as liberally), and I doubt that if your parents find it in your suitcase they would say anything.

My father once found a dildo in my suitcase (they were both black and he thought it was his suitcase and I wasn't quick enough to stop him). His face turned rather red and he shut it and left the room and never said a word about it. I still giggle at the memory.

Oh really? I have some *magic dust* right here in my pocket that can cure that...just come a little closer...

~~Thanks for the web page info, fetish...er...I mean...ohhh, forget it.

So they do have a secret society...