Introducing BDSM to spouse

[englishsubgirl]

i have been in a long term relationship and my partner is very vanilla. I have mentioned repeatedly that i would like to be his slave etc. However at most i get a very tame'scene' every now and then but only if i 'top from the bottom' which i hate doing. I have shown him websites and stories etc and he does seem to enjoy what happens at the time, but it is never at his instigation. How can i get him to really take the reins without either nagging or topping from below?

[fetishdj]

i have been in a long term relationship and my partner is very vanilla. I have mentioned repeatedly that i would like to be his slave etc. However at most i get a very tame'scene' every now and then but only if i 'top from the bottom' which i hate doing. I have shown him websites and stories etc and he does seem to enjoy what happens at the time, but it is never at his instigation. How can i get him to really take the reins without either nagging or topping from below?

As Jennifer says, you cannot change someone's essential nature. I think in this situation you need to look at something more mutual.

Share fantasies. Write them down and share them as 'a fun thing to do' one night. Do this over a few drinks in a relaxing atmosphere - maybe after dinner or even before/after sex (it is true, anything a woman wants all she has to do is ask before sex... ). Now, your fantasies we already know but what about his? You need to look at those and work out how you might achieve them.

The deal is then this: at least once a week you have 'special time'. Clear all appointments, take the phone off the hook, ensure there are no interruptions. Each special time you take it in turns to carry out one of your partner's fantasies. The rule is that you do this as exactly as you can, within your own skill set and cost limits and safety limits. You don't even have to tell each other which ones you are going to do, let that be a surprise. The reward (for both of you) is that you know that next week it is your turn. And this only works if you are both willing to carry it out fairly. This, of course, may mean you doing something you do not like much. It may be you Topping him, it may be dressing up for him, it could be anything. Unless you are prepared to make that sacrifice for him, he has no incentive to make a similar sacrifice for you.

Now, for your part, you need to avoid Topping from the bottom. You do this by making sure that your fantasies are detailed - so he knows what to do when he does it - but that you don't interfere (unless for safety) once he starts. If you try to influence him, its a punishment. Relax and let him follow the scene through. As a sub, you are allowed to influence things before the scene (by negotiation) and after the scene (in feedback/aftercare) but not during.

[Jennifer Williams]

As a sub, you are allowed to influence things before the scene (by negotiation) and after the scene (in feedback/aftercare) but not during.

I've never heard this stated so clearly before. I love this attitude; I think it clears up a lot of the murk surrounding "topping from the bottom" and what kinds of rights subs have to make their opinions heard and such. Thank you fetish, for such brilliant words.

Have fun on your vacation, english! And now look at all you have to look forward to when you return home

[englishsubgirl]

I've never heard this stated so clearly before. I love this attitude; I think it clears up a lot of the murk surrounding "topping from the bottom" and what kinds of rights subs have to make their opinions heard and such. Thank you fetish, for such brilliant words.

Have fun on your vacation, english! And now look at all you have to look forward to when you return home

just thought i would let you know that while packing earlier today, my SO put about twenty condoms, which would get used anyway in vanilla sex, and a tube of lube, which wouldn't, unless its for something a bit more kinky, in the bag. So who Knows?! It may start early than we thought!

[TwistedTails]

I can neither confirm nor deny the existence or not of something called 'submissive dust'. It is ludicrous to assume that subs have a means, available in powder form, to generate a level of control over thier Doms which can be purchased at reasonable prices from the web pages which I absolutely forbid all subs from looking at.

This is not the explanation you are looking for. Please move on.

Oh my! When I came back and read this, I laughed so hard I think I may have sprained my funny bone. LMAO!

[brwneydgirl]

Oh my! When I came back and read this, I laughed so hard I think I may have sprained my funny bone. LMAO!

Oh really? I have some *magic dust* right here in my pocket that can cure that...just come a little closer...

~~Thanks for the web page info, fetish...er...I mean...ohhh, forget it.

[Jennifer Williams]

It never hurts to plan ahead! Better to have condoms and not use them than to want them and not have them.

And lube is used in vanilla sex (just not quite as liberally), and I doubt that if your parents find it in your suitcase they would say anything.

My father once found a dildo in my suitcase (they were both black and he thought it was his suitcase and I wasn't quick enough to stop him). His face turned rather red and he shut it and left the room and never said a word about it. I still giggle at the memory.

Oh really? I have some *magic dust* right here in my pocket that can cure that...just come a little closer...

~~Thanks for the web page info, fetish...er...I mean...ohhh, forget it.

So they do have a secret society...