Quote Originally Posted by englishsubgirl View Post
i have been in a long term relationship and my partner is very vanilla. I have mentioned repeatedly that i would like to be his slave etc. However at most i get a very tame'scene' every now and then but only if i 'top from the bottom' which i hate doing. I have shown him websites and stories etc and he does seem to enjoy what happens at the time, but it is never at his instigation. How can i get him to really take the reins without either nagging or topping from below?
As Jennifer says, you cannot change someone's essential nature. I think in this situation you need to look at something more mutual.

Share fantasies. Write them down and share them as 'a fun thing to do' one night. Do this over a few drinks in a relaxing atmosphere - maybe after dinner or even before/after sex (it is true, anything a woman wants all she has to do is ask before sex... ). Now, your fantasies we already know but what about his? You need to look at those and work out how you might achieve them.

The deal is then this: at least once a week you have 'special time'. Clear all appointments, take the phone off the hook, ensure there are no interruptions. Each special time you take it in turns to carry out one of your partner's fantasies. The rule is that you do this as exactly as you can, within your own skill set and cost limits and safety limits. You don't even have to tell each other which ones you are going to do, let that be a surprise. The reward (for both of you) is that you know that next week it is your turn. And this only works if you are both willing to carry it out fairly. This, of course, may mean you doing something you do not like much. It may be you Topping him, it may be dressing up for him, it could be anything. Unless you are prepared to make that sacrifice for him, he has no incentive to make a similar sacrifice for you.

Now, for your part, you need to avoid Topping from the bottom. You do this by making sure that your fantasies are detailed - so he knows what to do when he does it - but that you don't interfere (unless for safety) once he starts. If you try to influence him, its a punishment. Relax and let him follow the scene through. As a sub, you are allowed to influence things before the scene (by negotiation) and after the scene (in feedback/aftercare) but not during.