i am so proud of you. yes you are lost, and hurt and wants things to be 'nice'. but you are still finding yourself, and until you have found you, it is difficult for others too. BUT that is all a part of 'growing up' and growing pains occur in the emotional as well as physical times of growth. so, have a sook, cry, whatever, and keep writing, here or anywhere. writing things down truly does help you to - get it straight -. and if it all gets too much, sleep on it and see what the morning brings. you are worth may more than he is obviously prepared to give you. believe in yourself, believe in your right to happiness. and it will come to you.
luv blu