D/s outside one's marriage

[Amberxiao]

I'm going to agree with Tom on this one. Unless a partner has explicitly told you that it is okay to have dalliances and that they don't want to know (as in the case of Ozme), it is extremely disrespectful to assume it is okay. It is particularly disrespectful to assume they wouldn't want to know because you think they'd be hurt if they knew. I'd rather be hurt and know than be happy without knowing. My happiness would be based on a falsehood and misplaced trust. To me, that's the ultimate betrayal. Not only that, but if you assume they wouldn't want to know, it means you think you know what's best for them. That is a very patronizing attitude, and definitely out of place in a vanilla relationship.

An online relationship is different from porn because of the word "relationship". Now, if you're talking about supposed one-night stands or something like the Academy, it gets a little trickier since, unlike real one-night stands, you can forget about the other person and pretend they aren't real and thus, just a stand-in (which makes it more like porn)... but even then, I think you should be able to let your partner know, and if you don't, you need to ask why. This actually goes for porn, too, though. If you're secretive about your porn and not willing to say you're doing it, there's probably a reason, and you should ask why.

The answer to that why will probably lead you to realize that your relationship is lacking in trust. And that's not something that will be fixed through anything external to the relationship: it has to be fixed, if it *can* be fixed, within the relationship. If it cannot be fixed within the relationship, then you have to decide whether you can accept a relationship without trust. But trying to have both is disrespectful both to yourself and to all the other people involved.

[Alex Bragi]

Natalie D, I'm one of those people.

I'm not married, but I'm in two relationships, one on-line and off-line. Having said that I don’t think my relationships have anything to do with anyone else so I'm not going to spend time here trying to justify my situation. You're not "missing anything" because unless you are, or you are planning to be, in this kind of situation yourself, then it's simply not necessary for you to "get it".

Quite obviously, it's not an acceptable situation to you, or people like you, but quite frankly, I can live with that.

I'm not here to judge or be judged.

[precious]

Natalie D, I'm one of those people.

I'm not married, but I'm in two relationships, one on-line and off-line. Having said that I don’t think my relationships have anything to do with anyone else so I'm not going to spend time here trying to justify my situation. You're not "missing anything" because unless you are, or you are planning to be, in this kind of situation yourself, then it's simply not necessary for you to "get it".

Quite obviously, it's not an acceptable situation to you, or people like you, but quite frankly, I can live with that.

I'm not here to judge or be judged.

Well said Alex!

[babykat]

There is a thread a while back about this issue (started by Tojo I think) that has a lot of different opinions. While I'm in the camp that honesty is generally the best policy, reading through that thread gave me a new perspective on the reasons people come online to look for whatever they're missing in their real lives. Not everything can be as black and white as we wish it to be and sometimes we end up living our lives in shades of grey. I suppose each of us needs to decide what is right. Bold statement, eh?!