Hello lucyboy,

I agree with the sentiments of all the previous responders. It is a sad reality that the so-called BDSM 'community' can be just as pedestrian in its collective attitudes at times as any other 'community'. It's my experience that the human herding instinct is such that even within an alternative lifestyle such as BDSM, those who don't run with the herd can sometimes find themselves marginalized. Don't let this get you down but rather, take pride in the fact your particular kink puts you into the realms of the BDSM 'fringe'. Right now you feel as if your kink is unique but be assured, there's an old BDSM maxim called Ugol's Law that essentially says, 'No matter how weird or unusual you think your kink is, there's at least one other person out there somewhere who shares it with you.' Obviously, finding that person isn't always easy.

Something else you might like to consider is BDSM, as an 'alternative lifestyle', is only one of many alternative lifestyles. There is often an overlap between groups as well. You've already experienced the overlap between the goth scene and the BDSM scene. Similar overlaps exist between the BDSM scene and the gay and lesbian scenes as they also do between the swinging scene and BDSM.

From what you say, I feel the woman you seek can likely be found more easily in the swinging scene. However, getting into that scene to start with could be problematic as a single man, though I've heard swingers' clubs (like private BDSM ones) will periodically have 'open nights' that permit single men to attend. If you ask around the fringes of the BDSM scene you may also find somebody who can provide you with an introduction into such a club.

Whatever you decide to do, I'd encourage you to stay in touch with the BDSM scene (and with the people here at this forum in particular). Your kink may be unusual if compared to 'mainstream' BDSM practices, but it's by no means unique.

Incidentally, strong focusses on particular kinks, such as masochism in submissives and 'no sex rules' tends to occur in pockets within the BDSM scene. I've known kinksters in one city where BDSM wasn't regarded as BDSM unless there was a bullwhip involved. In another, piercing and needle play was the prevailing BDSM aesthetic. What I'm saying is simply people within the BDSM scene can sometimes appear quite one-dimensional unless you step back and look at things from a wider perspective.

One final thought. A BDSM relationship really isn't a whole lot different to any other type of relationship. You need to get to know people as people first. If time isn't taken to do this at the outset, what generally happens is your kink becomes your 'identity'. For some people, perhaps many people, this isn't a problem. But, if your kink is something subtle and more complex, you need to clearly establish your own identity outside of your kink, even though it's clear from your post your identity is closely intertwined with who you are as a person. If nothing else, this tactic will give you better defense against ignorant and intolerant people.

Good luck with everything,

anonymouse