Long term relationship then realizing you are submissive

[cadence]

I thought that I would bump this thread, with an update, and maybe some others can share thier own stories.
My update is not warm and fuzzy, it's basically filled with frustration more than anything.
When I wrote my first post, I had a little bit of hope; but with no real network of support, it is hard to work things out on your own.
There still is no real communication between us; only the fact that I am allowed to express myself more openly online with others.
Not entirely what I wanted but, I am grateful that I am not being completely suppressed at the moment.

At the time I wrote my first post here, I had started to have more problems crop up with my family, work, and my own never ending internal conflicts.
I ended up withdrawing from things even more so, and moving into a state of just existing to exist again. Never wanting to try and make progress with things or communicate with anyone openly.

So my relationship with my boyfriend never moved forward, and became stagnant even more than before. Without being able to communicate things properly or to be able to express myself and have him understand, I can't see anything viable happening between us.
I have begun to resent him and myself in general, and sometimes I wish he would leave, so I wouldn't have to make choices.

As for online, that is even more frustrating, I didn't want an online relationship, but I did want to find someone who would appreciate my submissive side.
I revisited that a short time ago, but of course, it didn't work out very well. I didn't want to be emotionally attached to a Dominant, but did want to experience being submissive.
I don't even know if what I am trying to obtain is even possible.
I stumbled upon what I wanted and made the effort to try, but this Dominant had other submissives, and I was always left out and not good enough or important enough I suppose to even be owned. That left my self esteem in a bad place.
Although I still talk to this Dominant, I don't think that he understands that what I wanted, is different than what he had offered. I still think though that I was just not good enough.

I sometimes hope that things will change at home, but I don't know if they ever will.
I am an online failure, and can only read and learn things. I don't think that I will ever be good enough to share anything with anyone anyway.

I still hold out a little bit of hope, that maybe things will move forward in a positive direction.
It's very hard to let go of something that is a part of your being, when you discover just how much it can complete you.

[tessa]

I am an online failure, and can only read and learn things. I don't think that I will ever be good enough to share anything with anyone anyway.

You not wishing to explore this in the online way is not failing. It's not my way either, and I refuse to see that as some failing on my part. Because it's not!

You are NOT a failure...at anything! And you are good enough. You just haven't found your mate yet. That's all.

I still hold out a little bit of hope, that maybe things will move forward in a positive direction.
It's very hard to let go of something that is a part of your being, when you discover just how much it can complete you.

Keep hoping! Hold onto that bit of positive. I think you'll find it's impossible to let go of this. Doing so will only cause damage. You can't ignore such an integral part of yourself without losing part of your soul. Just keep hoping. Please try.

[cadence]

I believe that you have the strength to do what needs to be done. You should do it because you are entitled to more than hope; you are worthy of love.

Thanks
I do believe that I have the strength somewhere, it is just difficult to find when things become frustrating and confusing.

[/B]
Keep hoping! Hold onto that bit of positive. I think you'll find it's impossible to let go of this. Doing so will only cause damage. You can't ignore such an integral part of yourself without losing part of your soul. Just keep hoping. Please try.

Thank you to you too, I will keep hoping as I always do.


There are times when I consider myself to have failed only because I see others who seem to be able to ease into online so easily, whereas I seem to make everything that much more complicated.

[jeanne]

I didn't want to be emotionally attached to a Dominant, but did want to experience being submissive.
I don't even know if what I am trying to obtain is even possible.

In my very limited experience - it isn't, beyond a shallow form of submission. And I sense that you want much more than that, cadence.

I am an online failure, and can only read and learn things. I don't think that I will ever be good enough to share anything with anyone anyway.

I completely disagree with this statement. You are so much more than you can believe right now.

I still hold out a little bit of hope, that maybe things will move forward in a positive direction.

Hope is always appropriate. And sometimes, when you least expect it, hope is rewarded.

It's very hard to let go of something that is a part of your being, when you discover just how much it can complete you.

Don't let go of it. Just don't.

There are times when I consider myself to have failed only because I see others who seem to be able to ease into online so easily, whereas I seem to make everything that much more complicated.

Some do, some don't, cadence. You are not the only one who finds the "online only" experience less than you need. I have been told that I am a "hands-on, itf submissive" and it's true. I suspect you may be as well.

Take care of you and keep your chin up,
jeanne