True Doms Vs Play Doms

[Aadenn]

I'm going to chime in here, becuase I like to play devil's advocate, and because I have a problem with authority and convention.

Nothing against Rabbit, or all the people here who have lauded his post, which I think has a good heart, by the way.

The problem is that there are too many labels in kinky communities. Online and Off, kinky communities get assaulted by this game of semantics where people begin to label others as "true doms", "true subs", "wannabes", etc.

Where i'm from the cliche is to say that someone is into S&M: Stand and Model.

I find all such things to be highly pretentious and, (again, no offense Rabbit, i'm sure you're a great guy with a lot of knowledge) closed minded.

It is equally as dangerous to view oneself as being enlightened compared to others as it is to enter into something one isnt ready for. The so-called wannabe maybe just isnt intot he same kind of play you are? Who is to say that a highly sexed individual with a penchant for rough, but otherwise vanilla sex isnt kinky? Is your love of whips and floggers any more valid than his love for the humiliation and powerplay of having greedy, anger filled penetrative sex if his partner is into it also?

I despise the terms "true" anything. They are so full of bias and pretentiousness that it raises the bile in my throat.

While I think rabbit's post was well aimed, I also think that looking down our noses at the alleged wannabes says something about us too. Instead of labeling and talking down to these people as if they are 'newbs' why not come to them on a more equal footing of resepct? If someone is in this chat room or on these forums, its likely they are willing to read and learn something. Fantasy is such a huge part of sexual development that it cant be ignored.

Please consider your dealings with 'wannabes' with a little bit more respect. We were all 'wannabes' at some point.

I think Moonraker had it BANG on:

As all others have said, agree 100% a perfect short and simple answer. I would only add that perhaps no need to differentiate a Dom from a normal guy in a normal relationship. What makes a man a good husband, boyfriend or lover. Perhaps the perception that doms are somehow a race apart from "normal" men is a misunderstanding.

[cadence]

Please consider your dealings with 'wannabes' with a little bit more respect. We were all 'wannabes' at some point.

Ì think the basic premise of the original post is not that wannabes are new and inexperienced,but someone who claims to be somthing that they don't yet understand, and are unwilling to learn about, or someone who uses the Dominant personality to thier advantage.

I loathe the word true, as much as I hate using the term natural, but I think they are used to convey someone who is basically inclined to be Dominant or submissive, one who learns to utalize and embrace that part of themselves.


When I started perusing different sites I was a bit deflated by the people who had started to contact me. Not one self proclaimed Dominant wanted to help me out with the confusion of what I was trying to figure out, but wanted me to submit fully to them immediately. Most wanted a sex cam show, calling it a service to them. I had the impression that BDSM was a cover for the ultimate trolls.

There are genuine people here who are looking for someone to compliment thier own wants and needs, and then there are others who see an advantage to use a title of Dom and seek out vulnerable subs to use for thier own agenda.

I give everyone the benefit of the doubt, (I was new and very confused about everything at one time and was always shunned by others because I failed to understand myself fully), when I go to chat I am a bit offended by others who want me to roleplay, spell out my fantasies or listen to thiers. They want some easy fap material, and that is not what I want to provide.

So no one is bashing new and inexperienced people, but the ones who come here to use this place as thier own personal playground, and assume that submissives are only too eager to comply.

[Aadenn]

Cadence, I liked your post a lot It helped me gather my thoughts a litltle more.

You are very correct in differentiating between someone who is inexperienced and someone who is a troll.

That, i think, is part of what I was trying to get at. The other thing to consider is that for most new and inexperienced people, kink *IS* a fap fest at first. I mean, lets face it. We all do it because it gets our juices flowing, either physically, emotionally, or intellectually. In some fashion, kink *is* sex.

What I was trying to clarify more specifically was that often it is the more experienced and 'established' Doms in a particular community who will be the WORST trolls.

The ones who feel somehow justified in their behavior because they have been around long enough or a few people 'know their name' so to speak. Its these guys who are often the ones spouting the tenets of what it takes to be a 'true dom' and 'true slave'

I've been to play parties and there are play sluts on both sides of the power exchange, and its the doms who can be dangerous for new subs

Actions speak louder than words. Saying all the right words and speaking all the right rhetoric does not a safe, conscientious, caring dom make.

[cadence]

I understand now what you are saying Aaden, and yes I have met a few of those experienced Dominants as well.