Its hard to balance the two. I personally have a live and let live attitude to religion. I think it can be a source of strength to many (and there are many on here who are Christian, I just think the aetheists shout louder ). However, your feelings of shame annoy me on your behalf because I hate it when religion inspires negative feelings and so much of it seems to be aimed at doing so.

I know of at least one Christian who calls themselves a strict Christian and yet is in a similar position to you. She has gone through the Bible and the articles of faith and basically taken out what she does not like and kept what she does and has managed through this to incorporate faith into her lifestyle. Of course, many traditionalists see this as heresy and it may not be for you. However, I do suggest you spend time going through the bible objectively and consider the passages that are relevant to your situation and analyze them. There are many misconceptions about how parts of the bible apply to Christian doctrine. For example, the tale of the sin of Onan (taken by Christians as a warning against homosexuality and/or masturbation because 'spilling his seed on the ground' is wrong) is actually a story about a man who refuses to impregnate his dead brother's wife (as Jewish law said he had to in order to maintain the marriage contract with her parents). The problem with scripture is that it can be interpreted different ways depending on which translations you read but most Christians seem to stick to one interpretation dogmatically. Another, less relevant, example is the 'Thou shalt not suffer a witch to live' line which is considered by some scholars to be a mistaken translation of the term 'poisoner'. As 'witches' of the period this was translated were often herbalists and most herbs are poisonous if given in large enough doses you can see where the confusion lies.

From the sounds of it you have an understanding church which is quite liberal compared to some American denominations I have witnessed. I know of at least one denomination (which I would not name even if I knew it... this was based on a sermon witnessed at a friend's wedding) which considers any marriage not performed in church as not valid and sinful. I feel you have a lot of soul searching to go through and I wish you luck with it.