OK..so..once again awake way too late…but want to share again..some good news I think this time.

Although unintended, spoke to my mother on the fone, for hours. Told her that even if I thought I was over it, I simply wasn’t and perhaps never will be. Had talked to her psychiatrist and told her that also…despite my wishes, the scars simply are to deep.
It was ambivalent….one the one hand mother aknowledged that they did hurt me badly and that is was wrong to do so. On the other hand her focusing on her own misery, telling she would give her life to make it right and accepting me not visiting her as her punishment…now that I didn’t like…didn’t like at all…felt like being manipulated all over again.
I explained that my keeping contact limited wasn’t punishment, that her dying wouldn’t change what happened..it’s just a fact that I simply hurt too much and still am angry…That’s all..I am not aiming to hurt her…that wouldn’t change what happened either. That felt relieved…

Also spoke my brother…now that’s more difficult. He is stll more or less denying, even though 2 years ago for the first time he didn’t deny that something did happen…and I thought, I so whished..I had forgiven him… I will have to prepare that “coming out” because otherwise I will end up feeling guilty again. Also..there are his kids…some of them rather fond of that nice uncle..and he did try to support me during my break up…looks like he is longing to have a brother…so that’s difficult.

Spoke to my ex on Sunday evening. We still have a bond. I talked about what’s going on, and the support I had found here..and she was so glad about that! Both had a good cry, especially when she heard some of the support here. She supports my “coming out” all the way..both the abuse history as bdsm being a part of me. That’s wonderfull

Actually had a good day at work, even if I didn’t sleep the whole weekend…talked again with my boss…and she told me she in was worried about me the last time…thinking I was hurting like hell. Well, indeed I was. But even more important to me..several people made it quite clear just how they appreciate my unorthodox but passionate way of work. Would consider it a huge loss if I would leave…respect and encourage that I take some time for myself….glad when I told them I am starting to like my feathers..will be going my way…and that the patients can and will benefit from it, exactly because I am different, I am that stranger that see and says things other people don’t… They liked that..told me I looked more at peace..That’s good – even if I didn’t tell I learned so much on a bdsm-site, lol!!

What in fact I am saying is…yes….it was cathartic as thrall puts it….it’s almost like submitting, but then to myself…feeling safe to do so here..for all you to see..it did so well...
Even if in fact I am exhausted by the short nights,..it is working wonders for me. There still is a lot to do, but this weekend a major achievement was made. Thanks to you all…and to those around here..hurting, doubting whether or not to come out with theis story I can only say: please do, you will learn that the people around here pull out that fuzzy blanket, wrap it around you, and just listen…you can cry, you may rant, it’s ok, you are ok…you're safe here, they won’t prod you, they won't hurt you, only gently ask and by doing so help you to say what must be said….and when you look back at that thread…you will feel an uncanning relieve...



I will give this thread back to you..but will never ever forget what happened here...