What makes you...

[AdrianaAurora]

A question for Dom/mes.
A subject of what and why makes submissives crave submission has been discussed ad nauseam with theories ranging from abuse to genetics, but I haven't picked up on a thread dealing with what makes Dominants crave domination. What made you become Dominant? What is the gratification/eroticism of it for you? Is it just sexual? Do you ever get tired (of it)?

You always hear stories about submissives knowing their desires from the time they got tied up playing cowboys, is it that way with you? Where do you pick up tricks of the trade, like wielding canes, lol?

Very curious

[Warbaby1943]

Someone had to do the tying now did they? So I guess dominance too could easily start at an early age.

[Ozme52]

I had maledom/femsub dreams from an early age. Before I even understood sexuality.

My basic nature is to take charge in a vacuum. If no one else wants to lead, I do. If someone is leading poorly, I want to take over.

But more than that, the emotions and pleasurable feelings that wash over me when a woman's body language, her eyes, or her words, show that she is giving herself over to me... for my protection and for my pleasure, is nearly overpowering.

How did I come to realize the sexual manifestation of it? I was with a vanilla girlfriend, I was screwing her from behind and she was "stuck" in a multi-orgasmic fugue... and couldn't stop... and as she became exhausted and began to beg me to let her rest... I realized that I was in total control of her body... and it created a huge surge of lust and energy in me... and I pushed her harder and harder and forced her over into more and more orgasms.

I couldn't stop myself until she was in a crying heap...

Now I have a bit more self-control... and have learned the wisdom of safewords... not that I think she would have actually used one that particular instance... and yes... she came back for more.

[Ozme52]

... but I can't tell you what makes me crave it.


<<==(needs edit button back)

[Chuckdom19]

I agree with Oz, I'm a take-charge guy. If a situation arises, even if everyone around me is a stranger, I tend to get things organized. It's my parents' fault; they wanted all of their kids to be leaders and strong personalities. We are... you should hear my sis and me, arguing in the kitchen!

I was having sexual thoughts as far back as I remember. My big brother helped me realize and focus on things; when I was 12, he was 25 with a wife and a wonderful porn collection, all BDSM... and I found myself.

Since, I sublimated my needs for years; wife was vanilla and no time to look. 30 years of being a General Manager of staffs from 30 to almost 300 kept me busy directing, conducting, leading. Many on the staffs were natural subs, and anything that we told them, they jumped to do. As I got older and time became freer, I gained a wonderful understanding spouse, still vanilla, though. She knows my Dom needs, and welcomes my activities with my Rose.

And she takes my breath away... maybe that's the ticket. I get the pleasure of her growth and success. I can watch her progress, and know when I close my eyes at night that I have made a difference in the world. And each morning as I look in the mirror to shave, I know that there are people needing my leadership and domination. As the way I share my love with the world.

[AdrianaAurora]

Why are Doms so cheap with insight into their psyche? Whenever there is an equivalent discussion about submission they come flying like moths to a flame. Do you ever wish that you aren't in charge? Are Doms secretly submissive? My husband isn't a chatterbox but we have an amazing communication, He will talk and discuss anything with me. And yet, when I try to pick his brain out, He goes all tight lipped and if I try to pull something out of Him...its exhausting, I tell you, lol. Not only does it feel like I'm trying to dig rocks, I sometimes get spanked for caring and taking trouble.

[fetishdj]

Oddly enough, I also tend to take charge in a vacuum. If no one else around seems capable of taking charge (if there is I defer to them until they show themselves to be useless) then I just do it. But then my submission seems to be purely 'in private' rather than public.

[_ID_]

I didn't come to realize my need to be in control while in a relationship until I was 32. Before that I was just content to live a relaxed life, and let happen what happened. It was during a verbally abusive time with my ex-wife that I figured out that being controlled, being told what to do was exactly the opposite of what would make me happy.

Now have I been dominating my whole life? No, I am more quiet, laid back, and mellow that those who find a need to be in control all the time. I am perfectly content to let someone else lead a group, but if the group isn't going in the direction I wish to go, rather than try and change the direction, I just leave the group and do my own thing.

I have however been somewhat sadistic my whole life. I didn't make the sexual connection to it until after I started my search for a Dominant submissive relationship. What I did in my youth, that I didn't realize was a form of sadism at the time, was to torture my younger sister, my younger brother, as well as the pet cat. I remember one specific time where I tried to stick a rocket shaped hot wheel up the cats ass. No I didn't get it to go in, the cat had other ideas about that ordeal.

As to why us Male Dom's are so hard to get info out of... I couldn't say for the others, but I guess for me, it just depends on the questions asked, and if I really know the answers.

[Joel Cairo]

Let me see if I can satisfy AdrianaAurora's request for more psychological insight...

Yes I am also the sort of person who naturally tends to organise and take charge and stuff, and my professional life gives me an opportunity to do all that, but personally I don't think that side of me gives much of an insight into why I get off on being a Dom. I think there are a lot darker and deeper things going on than the fact that I'm a good, well, manager.

That view may derive simply from the fact that I'm an unreconstructed Freudian prone to self-analysis, but I don't think that these 'management' skills are coming from the same part of me that enjoys D/s play. In fact, one of the reasons I think I am a good leader in my professional life is that I don't boss people around.

So why do I want to be a Dom then? Well, who knows for sure. Maybe I'm the last to really know. But I can say that one of the things that I find important about play is that it allows both Doms and subs to open up and accept each other - eccentricities, perversities and all.

And speaking more broadly, if one were to generalise a primary motivator underlying the whole Dom personality type, one such factor could be a general urge and need for being in control. And why might someone feel the need to be in control all the time? Possibly because somewhere deep, deep inside they don't feel very much in control at all?

[Ozme52]

Why are Doms so cheap with insight into their psyche?

I wouldn't call it cheap...

Besides... economically speaking the rarer the commodity, the more highly valued it becomes.

Perhaps we (male) doms are just more private... it seems right in line with the queston gemmy asked a while back about sharing ourselves in pictures.

[Karesch]

I really don't know to offer a deep psychologically revealing answer to this question... I just Know, with every fibre of my being, that I'm a Dom. I always have been. My entire personality is just wrapped up in it and interlaced with it. I have a very strong, very self assured, very commanding sort of presence and personality. I don't feel like I Have to be in charge of anything, I just end up being in charge of alot of the situations I'm in. All my life people have just turned to me for guidance and direction... I don't know how else to explain it... I don't know if I was born this way, made this way by the interactions I've had throughout my life or what the case is, I just know it is what it is.

Sexual Sadism is another aspect of my personality that I can't really credit to anything, it just is who I am. Everything inside me just enjoys... biting, flogging, paddling, spanking... all of it. I've been in relationships that pushed the borders of the extreme for S&M, and I've yet to find somebody that had an appetite for recieving pain that outdid my own ability to dish it. The only thing that's stopped such things has been common sense, not hard limits.

Don't know if any of that helps though...

K

[Kuskovian]

Dominance is something that pervades every aspect of existance, from the smallest of microbes to the most complex of creatures. Even plants wage war with one another for control. It is a common biological truth that is apparent to any insightful observer.

The hiearchy of dominion is all pervading each and every one of us and every thing has thier place within it.

I was raised to be a man, and in the world I was raised in; a man was dominant. He commanded the household and his familey. (Call me a throw back all you want.)

The ancient societies of mankind had no problem figuring out this concept for themselves.

I truely became fully self aware of these facts at the age of 12 while reading a library book by John Norman. I was quite amazed that here in plain print was a code of honor that felt whole and complete to me; one by which I could easily live the rest of my life by.

Over the years; I have seen many other writers send the same message in different ways but something was allways missing from thier volume of work. Especially when it came to relationships between man and woman.


In other words, as God said to Moses: " I am what I am".

[Kuskovian]

Dominance is something that pervades every aspect of existance, from the smallest of microbes to the most complex of creatures. Even plants wage war with one another for control. It is a common biological truth that is apparent to any insightful observer.

The hiearchy of dominion is all pervading each and every one of us and every thing has thier place within it.

I was raised to be a man, and in the world I was raised in; a man was dominant. He commanded the household and his familey. (Call me a throw back all you want.)

The ancient societies of mankind had no problem figuring out this concept for themselves.

I truely became fully self aware of these facts at the age of 12 while reading a library book by John Norman. I was quite amazed that here in plain print was a code of honor that felt whole and complete to me; one by which I could easily live the rest of my life by.

Over the years; I have seen many other writers send the same message in different ways but something was allways missing from thier volume of work. Especially when it came to relationships between man and woman.

In other words, as God said to Moses: " I am what I am".

[denuseri]

Oh I am glad for it too Master

[AdrianaAurora]

Dominance is something that pervades every aspect of existance, from the smallest of microbes to the most complex of creatures. Even plants wage war with one another for control. It is a common biological truth that is apparent to any insightful observer.

The hiearchy of dominion is all pervading each and every one of us and every thing has thier place within it.

I was raised to be a man, and in the world I was raised in; a man was dominant. He commanded the household and his familey. (Call me a throw back all you want.)

The ancient societies of mankind had no problem figuring out this concept for themselves.

I truely became fully self aware of these facts at the age of 12 while reading a library book by John Norman. I was quite amazed that here in plain print was a code of honor that felt whole and complete to me; one by which I could easily live the rest of my life by.

I think you and my husband would either get along famously or locked horns until proper Dominance order was established, roflmao.

As for calling you throw back, no, its actually quite reassuring, because for male population at large the concept of honor seems to have been lost. Its important for me to have my opinion respected and to have professional liberty, but I also like the fact that He is pure man. Basically when it comes to work he is "an equal opportunity bastard" (his PAs words, lol), but in all else he likes to "play" overbearing male.

If no one else wants to lead, I do. If someone is leading poorly, I want to take over.

Thats me, in every relationship except the one I share with my husband. And its precisely what prompted my little conundrum. While submission to me is stress release, is Dominance a burden for Him? Is he only Dom because I am not in the mood to be in charge at home, because I need Him?
When I posed that question to Him, the answer was unequivocal no, its simply the was He has always been (dominant), even before starting to explore bdsm. He also made it clear that the very thought of submitting and giving up control makes his stress levels soar, but I am still trying to wrap my brain around it. Does Dominating works as stress relief for you? Does it make you happy and/or fulfilled? Or is it hard, exhausting work?

I have no idea where I am going with this. And if its too much bother, its all His fault, lol. When He travels, I tend to think too much, .

[denuseri]

Well sis the boss of me, (my owner lol) says and i do agree, that we each fit in our proper place, he dominats me into submission and i love him for it as much as he loves me to submit, its deffinetly a two way street,

and mabey thats just how it is for yu two, i have opinions etc and he does listen to me, he is very understanding, but when push comes to shove, its allways me on my knees in the end (weg)

i constantly test him in many different ways even after all these years, he says it helps keep him strong, (though truth be told i allways know i will yield in the end) i cant help but know and feel his strength his overbearing presence and it is comforting to me.

his dominance of me, the fact he knows all my deepest innner feelings as if by majic, it all adds up, .......conversely with men that dont take charge i kinda react a little wierd myself, its like i overcompansate for any lack of dominace i sence in them with my own behavior, somrtimes to the point of getting in trouble though recently i have been trying to channel such feelings in a more nurturing fashion

[Ozme52]

Does Dominating works as stress relief for you? Does it make you happy and/or fulfilled? Or is it hard, exhausting work?

I have no idea where I am going with this. And if its too much bother, its all His fault, lol. When He travels, I tend to think too much, .

Stress relief? No. Happy? Fulfilled? Absolutely. It's where I'm most comfortable.

But that still won't tell you why...

[Kuskovian]

I am with Ozme on this one in at least one way; nothing is quite as rewarding as watching my girl thrive under my control.

I do however find a great deal of real stress relief (Grins) in the actual "use" of my girl.

[Ozme52]

I do however find a great deal of real stress relief (Grins) in the actual "use" of my girl.

Well... yeah!!

[denuseri]

OMG am I blushing now. lol

[Karesch]

I find being in a Dominant role isn't neccessarily stress relieving as much as it just keeps a Lot of stress from generating within me. It's just what feels natural and "right" for me, and so, there's just alot of stress that doesn't exist when I'm in that role. I do find a great deal of happiness and fulfillment in the role however, along with emotional satisfaction and fetish satisfaction naturally. When I am fully embracing being the Dom that I am, then I truely am Who I am, and that just feels good all over. And seeing My sub thrive under my guidance and protection makes me feel complete.

K

[Ozme52]

Why are Doms so cheap with insight into their psyche? Whenever there is an equivalent discussion about submission they come flying like moths to a flame.

Okay, not to beat a dead horse... but I just had an interesting insight.

The number of subs answering is far larger because, of course, the number of subs in the population is larger.

Add to that, the nature of the answers... which I reread and realized... are no more insightful than the answers we give. Yes, perhaps a little more flowery, a little more generous in the amount said, but no more insightful than our answers.

They may strike a chord within you as a sub, but the answers are as enigmatic to me as our answers apparently appear to you.

Maybe it's enough that we each recognize and acknowledge our inner needs... and not so important that we fully understand them.

[Kuskovian]

Indeed Ozme.

Is it not enough that we are what we are?

Truth and honor are not so easily defined yet they too exist.

Nor is the true nature of a dominants heart his drive so recognizable.

For me a better question would be:
How can a man look at a bueatiful woman and not want to wholly possess her in every way possible, to own her mind, body and soul?

[AdrianaAurora]

Maybe it's enough that we each recognize and acknowledge our inner needs... and not so important that we fully understand them.

I accept that. I don't have to know, but trying is what makes life interesting. Its how we learn.

[AdrianaAurora]

Where did you get your "education" from?

I am a mother to an amazing almost 11 year old (step)son. And as he is his fathers son, I am begging to panic over puberty. I suppose if I weren't busy fretting being a mum, it would be an interesting thing to observe. I dont know if he is going to develop an interest in bdsm and frankly, I would be perfectly happy to never know, but its already crystal clear he is going to be a Dominant. He is perfectionist, has to excel at everything, he is always perfectly behaved when with me (though I have my suspicions about when he is away at school, lol), has already learned how to keep control of himself and to a large extent of his emotions (another thing I fret about) and he simply has that protective streak and air about him. As every mother, I imagine, I want my boy to grow up to be a good, honorable and self assured man, but I also want him to be someone who respects women and knows a value of special one. Someone here mentioned having read Gor series at approximately that age, so I was thinking if I should get him those for his birthday? Or is that too weird? (I haven't read them.)

Another thing I noticed is that a large number of masters has knowledge of martial arts? Makes me wonder, has he taken up kenjutsu to practice his strokes for bdsm or is he using my butt to practice his kenjutsu aim?
While I am perfectly happy to practice at the level sufficient to beat the crap out of jerks who presume to touch something that is not theirs and where it serves as credible explanation that "mummy and daddy were just wrestling", lol, He takes it very seriously, to Him its a way of life.
He has been teaching the boy savate and kenjutsu since before he could walk, lol. As a birthday present He is planning to gift him with his first real katana (authentic nihontō) and has been stepping up his training.
Yes, this long intro, my apologies, actually has a point. We have a large house and the room that looks towards back garden has been converted to dojo. So Friday I was going into the house from the garden, I wasn't eavesdropping, when I heard them talking. My husband was teaching him that "Bushido is the way of the dominant one" and how each of the principles effects the way one perceives his own dominance. He was talking about more than just martial arts code of honor. I'm still deciding how I feel about that.
Has anyone had similar experience?
And to keep up with the thread theme, clearly part of it is genetics. Its also interesting how "abuse support" thread has been placed in Submissive's, does that mean all Doms come from perfect nuclear families with no issues?

[denuseri]

lol, more than few doms posted in the abuse support thread sis

i put it there becuase of the nature of the main type of abuse survivors (rape and molestation etc) that i was intending to help, i knew it would be seene there by more submissives, the thread is to help prevent abuse as much as to help support its suvivors, and also show my sisters the value of thier submission as a recovery tool, which may help secondary survivors as well that are coping with abuse survivor submissives and thier special needs

it sounds like your husband has your sons training well in hand to me, mabey should discuss your conserns with him, of course i assume yu are greatly involved in raising the boy as well and i can see your own values will be learned by him to some extent then will they not?

[Demon Dom]

Rarely do I abuse Internet as a sounding board for my own emotions. Not because they are too private to be shared, but because I strongly believe that there is already enough clutter. Information transfer and knowledge sharing should not be hindered by bits and pieces which mean little to the common audience. But perhaps I should have responed here sooner, I wish to rectify this by trying to explain how I perceive my dominance.

This entry is for you, pet.
I grew up with more women than men, my father was absent when I was young. I have the greatest respect for women; they are equally capable of running business and leading this world. I do not believe that women are inferior to men in any way, shape or form. I’m convinced that the very essence of life is feminine. However, will a heavyweight boxer that is male, always beat a heavyweight boxer that is female, it seems very likely, and those distinctions I do make. I was raised to understand the importance of manners and being polite, to this very day I still insists on those. I insist on opening the car door for my woman, I insist on opening doors she passes through and I insist on seating her at the table when we go out. I do these things not as her servant, but because I claim them to be my right. I have a right to do those things because I am male and I wont allow our societies watered down norms to take that away from me. I love the fact that my wife is not an artificial being clouded in layers of make-up for just a normal day at home. I love her ability of dressing up when it is not just a simple day out. I want her to be the centre of attention, because I know that behind every great man there is an even greater woman. It is an exhilarating feeling to observe others want her, whether that is my client at a dinner party or a fellow Dominant in the depths of a dungeon. My possession is something desirable - intelligent, spirited and beautiful - something bold men would wage war over. She is mine. It is important to me to establish that understanding with her and of course with the people that she and I meet together. I choose to invest some of my time into understanding human psychology and how we interact with each other, so that I may help her build trust in her own abilities and thus help her set herself free. The way I react in my everyday life is not governed by a learned behaviour. I react almost always unconsciously to my wife and the environment I am in, usually people will perceive this as dominant behaviour. I am always in charge, I expect people to do as I say. My dominance stems from an inbred fear of loosing control. There is nothing more terrifying to me than to surrender control over my physical existence to another person. I do not show compulsive behaviours nor do I come across as a control freak, but this built in fear of needing to control my own destiny is what makes me effective at being a dominant person. I like to control the environment I am in and I like to make conscious decision of how I distribute not only my trust in a third party, but what I am willing to have them do to me. I am not suited to be on the receiving end. Therefore I am very conscious about my privacy and what people do with my personal data, I am very passionate about my employers and how that environment treats me and I am of course very conscious and passionate when it comes to my pet and what she is allowed to control while being in my presence or away from me. My dominance is not a choice to me, it is who I am, it defines me.
I have never related physical strength to my dominance. What you will often find in a sadistic relationship, between a sadist and a true masochist, is that dominance is mainly or mostly, expressed through physical action. If I am strong enough to tie you up, restrain you, use you in a physical manner, that then means that I am more dominant than you are. I think that is a very special case of interaction and I think it is valid in such situation. One should never infer from that the ability to physically punish someone makes them automatically dominant.
Often a release in control will signify best when you are being most dominant. A very simple example would be, when you make the decision to buy a coffee or not your submissives choice. If she knows that you dislike her intake of coffee, because you believe that it damages her body, which you consider yours, she will most likely not choose to have a coffee, but drink something else. In expressing a freedom of choice, I still dominated her decision making process. This has little to do with my physical capability of handling her flesh. Determination can easily outweigh physical size.
I feel that true dominance, if there even is such a thing, stems from the ability to pacify your emotions, exert self-control and analyse what the best course of action might be. Incidentally these virtues are also two you will find in Bushido.
I would not want anyone to desperately try to be something they are not. Some things come to you very easily, others can be learned and some take a long time to learn and only determination can get you there. One thing is for sure though, if you lack the talent to be a great hockey player you will never become the next Wayne Gretzky. I believe that every slave deserves a great Master and someone that embraces his Dominance every day, trying to understand it better with every passing hour. This is where I always wanted to get to.

To me BDSM is about deovtion for one another and inexplicibly trusting one another. It feels really, really good. It feels satisfying. I've been very happy with you. To be able to say that these days, we must be doing something right. Is it stress relief? No, but it does keep me sane and it does keep me from getting burned out. There’s a saying, ‘Pain is only temporary--pride is forever,’. It’s my pride that drives me.

This is true for me, I do not know whether it applies to everyone else.

[Shwenn]

AdrianaAurora,

There is a great deal of power associated with withholding information.

The less you know about a person, the less power you have over them. If you understand a person's motivations or needs, you are capable of using that information to manipulate that person.

Asking a person who loves power and indulges that love to divulge such information is more than a little presumptuous.

Hence the spankings.

[denuseri]

Wow Demon Dom

u sound just like my owner in a lot of ways (pauses to make sure my husband hasnt made a second nic here lol)
, that was just a bueatiful open and honest post on the inner workings of a dominants mind thanku so much for that sir i really personally appreciate your sharing it with us

[Kuskovian]

Well said Demon Dom well said indeed.