And I used to be such a nice guy...

[pervertedpages]

First of all, I just wanted to say that this is a great thread to have started, and I'm sorry in advance that I'm probably not going to add anything of quantifiable use to this discussion. But, it's a discussion, which I think is where the beauty lies -- it's important and therapeutic to think about how we feel, and particularly in minority/otherwise disenfranchised communities these kinds of introspections are frowned upon or do not get very much airtime because they're seen as self-deprecating. Certainly in a forum like this we're here to build a community and not to feel bad about our kinks, but it is important to feel and think beyond "I'm just like this; I gotta deal." Ultimately we do, in fact, just gotta deal, but if your desires don't rest easy with you now the situation will not get better without at least a little thought. I say this not as someone who has extensive real-life experience, but someone who has thought and thought and thought herself into the ground about this shit.

I feel the same way about my personal politics or leanings versus the life that I want to lead in private -- my personal ad would probably read something like: "lesbian-feminist queer militant activist seeks domineering misogynist to put her in her place," and for some reason, it was hard to reconcile these things for a while And, just imagine my chagrin when I realized that my shame about this was also adding to my arousal. What kind of meta-humiliation nonsense? We can't blame everything (or really most things) on porn, but I could see how it's probably upped the humiliation ante: the internet is riddled with pornstars who smile and moan in pleasure as they get bukkake'd. Humiliation is sexy because shame is so, so rare.

The thing that took me a long time to realize was that the shame or worry or disconnect about these desires doesn't even come from wanting to beat or be beaten. It's almost romantic to think of yourself as a masochist/sadist, as someone who is in "the lifestyle" for the "darker side of pleasure" or whatever it is we're selling to ourselves these days. Testing and challenging the limits of your own body and mind, challenging the very relationship between pleasure and pain; it's all very postmodern (lol): sensations on a spectrum instead of a black and white construct between pleasure and pain. When I think about this, it's possible to see the vanilla fascination with BDSM, and possible to see how one could say wow! What a highly evolved human lifeform, to be into such mind-expanding and revolutionary activities!

But, alas, this is not our problem. Our problem, or at least what I can see, is the fundamental disconnect between our desires and what people tell us it means to be a good person. 'How can I be turned on by inequality? In a utopian society we'd all be equal -- so do my fantasies make the world worse?' And the idea that we can say "it's just the way we want to have sex" is comforting, detaching it from the rest of our otherwise good-people lives -- but I don't know about the rest of you, but I was submissive before I knew what sex was. I only played with Barbies when my friend would be the queen and my Barbie could kneel in her dungeon; I played "slave" with my best friend when I was seven, having him "punish" me when I didn't follow orders. This seemed like a perfectly natural way to play. And it is. Because power is interesting and alluring before it is threatening or sexy. And christ, is it sexy.

But, now that I've talked myself into a hole with no end in sight, I will say this: don't feel bad. Don't stop thinking about it, either, both because thinking is sexy and because thinking about your sexuality keeps it evolving (and in check). I tend to feel, even though I was being cheeky with the whole highly-evolved-human-beings thing, that everyone finds power exchange sexy, and we here are just the ones who are enlightened enough to be attuned to this. Because sex, any and all sex, is completely about shifting powers -- who has it, who wants it, who gives it up, who is willing to share. The difference that I can see is the level to which we acknowledge this or play with this. That's something that most vanilla people will acknowledge when I talk to them about this, and it's one thing that's brought me at least a little peace of mind.