What's fair when pushing limits?

[damyanti]

More important than the discussions of the limits themselves, are the discussions behind why the limits are just that, "limits." That gives both parties a much better understanding of what can and should be pushed and what should remain an absolute no-no.

As the depths of "why" are examined, I think most folks find a definite split between what they don't want to do and what they don't think they can do. For example, I have a VERY VERY VERY hard time verbalizing my submission - being asked to call J "Master" or to beg for something I want locks me up completely. I will take a beating till I bleed easier than being told to speak when I'm in a session. Why? Because to make my body vulnerable is easier than to uncover my thoughts. A couple years ago I would have said, "I would never call anyone 'Master!' I won't do that!" and I would have meant it.

But...did I want to? Sure, in the deep dark secret places inside of me I sure did, just didn't think I could. When I read Sir Russell's account of his time with his girl, I read it as him guiding her through things she didn't think she could do, which I'm fine with. That's part of a Dom's job, to make the uncomfortable safe.

Now, if I had a hard limit such as "no knife play," and I were asked "why?" I could provide an answer such as "because I don't want scarring." OK, concrete "no" with a concrete reason. That being the case, if my Dom were to cut me during play we would have a most definite issue.

Clear as mud? lol

Hope that helps a little.

It does,...a little, . Seriously though, most of the time what helps the most is knowing you are not the only one.

Thank you,
D.

[DowntownAmber]

It does,...a little, . Seriously though, most of the time what helps the most is knowing you are not the only one.

Thank you,
D.

You're welcome. My pleasure.

And this brings up another good point actually. Slightly off topic, perhaps, but I think adds to the thread in general: not only should we be talking to our respective Doms about the "why?" factor to our limits but it never hurts to pick the brains of the other subs, either. It's amazing the "beed there, done that, here's what I learned" value in these relationships. A lot of times other subs can help us put to words what we may not know how to describe, thus helping EVERYONE in the D/s dynamic.