Boy do you remind me of a sub I know…whew! LOL

I’m going to try to give you some “Dom perspective” from someone who has/is dealing with some of the same issues in “finding his inner Dom.” First and foremost I absolutely love my sub. In that love I want her to be happy, fulfilled, protected all the stuff that comes with any loving relationship. My first thought when I see her isn’t “Call me sir and suck my cock bitch!” Really its "wow there is my best friend." Secondly being the Dom 24/7 is fucking hard! I think your scenario is fairly common (although I am guessing as I have had one and only one sub). A woman one day decides, comes to, or outs “Hey I’m a submissive. I want to be tied, beaten, fucked, controlled and I want my man to be my Dom.” So she has the conversation “look I’m into being your sub,(slave, toy…whatever) I like being tied, beaten, fucked, controlled.” At first glance the newly asked Dom (who has no idea what he’s about to get into BTW) is thinking “SCORE! My woman wants me to tie, beat, fuck, and control her not only anytime I want, but all the time!” Seriously what man wouldn’t initially jump into this with both feet!

Here is where reality meets the road, and quite frankly where I get frustrated to the point of wondering if I’m really up for this whole Dom thing. So many subs seem to have the idea that once their man has decreed or been decreed with Dom status all they have to do is be submissive and wait for him to fill all their needs. They bow their heads and wait for this amazing Dom that they have now released to arise, to find his true self and to fill all their submissive dreams. They keep their heads down mouth shut, wait and soon find something is missing. This idea of not sharing or not telling your Dom what your needs are as it may be un-submissive is a pile of hogwash IMO. Nothing, and I mean NOTHING frustrates me more than my sub not telling me something she needs because she either thinks it will make me feel bad or determines it’s an un-sub way to approach things. Not communicating clearly, does nothing more than set your Dom up for failure and frustration, leave you frustrated and put a great deal of strain on the relationship.

Your Dom is new to this as well, TALK TO HIM. For the love of Pete, you two have a great opportunity here; tell him exactly what you want out of this lifestyle. Remember too he is a guy (as any women knows, we need things spelled out fairly clearly for the most part). And please PLESE do us all (Dom’s) a favor and stop calling being independent, or making your own choice, not following orders or whatever “acting out”. What you do and how you act is your choice. To “act out” hoping for some kind of change in your Dom is Topping and IMO much more un-sub like than telling a partner what it is you need. Your Dom is not responsible for how you choose to act or not act…you are. D/s or not this is still a relationship and it will take both of you to make it work. You are in a fantastic place here, read, learn, and make this yours for the both of you. Take advice sure but know at the end of the day this is your relationship to make. As for mentors choose carefully and DO NOT act on or engage in any activity until you have both discussed in detail the situation and its possible ramifications.

As for me I love to talk to my sub after a session or play. I ask her very specific question and expect direct and specific answers. It is through this communication that she helps me get better as a Dom and I feel more confident that her needs are being met.

Best of luck to you both.