Training my Dom?

[LilJennyLynn]

Does it make any sense I wonder? He has recently stumbled upon the world of BDSM and we have embarked on a 24-7 relationship. Yet there are things missing. He isn't consistant. He claims he doesn't always think about sex the way I do. (It's always on my mind) So we set rules for me to obey, and then he forgets them. He's getting better over time, but I need a firmer hand (so to speak) My Collar is going to arrive in about a week and I really want things under control by then. Should I switch, and show him how it's really done?

[Ragoczy]

In my opinion, that depends on what you both want the ultimate dynamic of your relationship to be. Would it be feasible for him to find a more experienced dominant to offer him suggestions?

[LilJennyLynn]

Yes, but where would I find such a Dom?

[Ragoczy]

My suggestion would be to get him on here and try to put him in touch with a dominant whose posts lead you to trust and respect him. Ask around in chat and such. Then ask the dominant if he'd mind answering a few questions or offering some advice.

[DowntownAmber]

If switching is something you both want to continue as a dynamic in the relationship, by all means "show him how it's done." Otherwise, I would strongly advise against it. Once you take the reins, even if he begins acting more "Domly," you have made him conform to your standards and you are the one dictating the terms of the D/s dynamic. That rather kills the point, I would think?

Perhaps not, perhaps just having him go through the motions is enough to scratch your itch - but I know, for me, that the pleasurable mental space of being a sub would be compromised if I had to dom my Dom into domming me. (Wow, that last sentence just made me a little dizzy.)

I like Rag's idea of a mentor - perhaps encouraging your Dom to join the site here and select one of his own wouldn't be a bad idea. Who knows, by reading in the forums he may come around of his own accord as he reads and participates in the discussions?

[Mastrovenice]

I like the idea of a mentor to help you, but also want to sound a note of reality. I believe that Doms and Subs each have a unique set of experiences and natural gifts that form who they are. It is very difficult to MAKE a Dom more commanding, harsh, controlling, loving, tender, sadistic, etc., just as it is equally hard to re-make a Sub's personality (or MAKE a vanilla lover suddenly kinky). The best approach if you are in a committed relationship is to find the edges of their limits and learn to play within them. If you discover it is not enough for you, or too much, you will need to find another to help you achieve your natural balance. Like any relationship, we should never expect to be able to change the person we are involved with. If we can nudge them, well call yourself lucky!

[MMI]

Discipline him!

Seriously, though, he doesn't have to be harsh or sadistic to be dominant. He doesn't have to be commanding or controlling all the time - at least, not overtly. He doesn't even have to be loving, tender, or anything else Doms are meant to be.

It's his presonality. If he is in charge, the "boss", he is being dominant in his own way. If you are yielding to his wishes - doing what he wants, because he says so - you are being submissive. But perhaps not in the way you anticipated. Remember, he's new to this. He's learning: help him.

If you are trying to make him act the way you think he should, you must ask yourself if you are topping from below.

I sometimes think the BDSM world is over-analytic in order to explain itself. But I don't think it really bears too much scrutiny. It is simply a reflection of a person's character and kinks. And doms/subs must deal with each other's personality and quirks just like vanilla people deal with their partners' ideosyncrasies. We all have them to a greater of lesser degree.

Setting tasks is really a game. Or a test. It's a game with a meaning - i do this for you, Master, because it pleases me to please you. Failure to complete the tasks would not upset a strong relationship, because the Dom would still get his meals on time, or sex when he wanted, or would be able to work out his fantasies by humiliating his sub another, perhaps more insidious, way. Anyway, ss your Dom, he is entitled not to set you tasks if he so wishes, and you, as his sub, must accept his decision.

Or do the other thing.

MMI

[LilJennyLynn]

Everyone has brought up some VERY good points! I'm suddenly realizing the error of my ways. I should consider myself decidedly lucky to have found him in the first place. And he is learning, over time, and gradually becoming the Dom of my dreams. My Dom has all the starting qualities he needs to be a phenominal Dom. He just needs a little nudge in the right direction with a few things. I've talked to him about these issues, and he is getting a little better. Ragoczy is right, I believe it needs to come from a stronger source. By requesting what I need him to do, I am infact controlling him aren't I? Therefore, I will find a Dom willing to us out in this matter.
I want nothing more for him to make me call him sir. He agreed on this, but doesn't uphold it in the least.
He mixes punishments with pleasure, and that makes me want to act out even more. He is anything but consistant. I want to be totally submissive, but I need him to earn my submission.
If he can tame this freebird, he'll be delighted with the outcome I just know it! He is new to BDSM and I feel as though he just needs a little guidence on the matter. - He is on my friends under the name "LilJennyLynnsDOM" - please feel free to contact him. Or advice him on any websites, or other forms of education in the department. I will do my homework and do the same.
I'm marrying this man, as my best freind above all else (even as a DOM) so there is no giving up on him. And even if he can't change, I'm still a very happy Sub, and am very much so in Love!
Thank you so very much for all your help and kind words!
BIG HUGGLES!

*Bows Head*

*~JennyLynn~*

[J-Go]

Boy do you remind me of a sub I know…whew! LOL

I’m going to try to give you some “Dom perspective” from someone who has/is dealing with some of the same issues in “finding his inner Dom.” First and foremost I absolutely love my sub. In that love I want her to be happy, fulfilled, protected all the stuff that comes with any loving relationship. My first thought when I see her isn’t “Call me sir and suck my cock bitch!” Really its "wow there is my best friend." Secondly being the Dom 24/7 is fucking hard! I think your scenario is fairly common (although I am guessing as I have had one and only one sub). A woman one day decides, comes to, or outs “Hey I’m a submissive. I want to be tied, beaten, fucked, controlled and I want my man to be my Dom.” So she has the conversation “look I’m into being your sub,(slave, toy…whatever) I like being tied, beaten, fucked, controlled.” At first glance the newly asked Dom (who has no idea what he’s about to get into BTW) is thinking “SCORE! My woman wants me to tie, beat, fuck, and control her not only anytime I want, but all the time!” Seriously what man wouldn’t initially jump into this with both feet!

Here is where reality meets the road, and quite frankly where I get frustrated to the point of wondering if I’m really up for this whole Dom thing. So many subs seem to have the idea that once their man has decreed or been decreed with Dom status all they have to do is be submissive and wait for him to fill all their needs. They bow their heads and wait for this amazing Dom that they have now released to arise, to find his true self and to fill all their submissive dreams. They keep their heads down mouth shut, wait and soon find something is missing. This idea of not sharing or not telling your Dom what your needs are as it may be un-submissive is a pile of hogwash IMO. Nothing, and I mean NOTHING frustrates me more than my sub not telling me something she needs because she either thinks it will make me feel bad or determines it’s an un-sub way to approach things. Not communicating clearly, does nothing more than set your Dom up for failure and frustration, leave you frustrated and put a great deal of strain on the relationship.

Your Dom is new to this as well, TALK TO HIM. For the love of Pete, you two have a great opportunity here; tell him exactly what you want out of this lifestyle. Remember too he is a guy (as any women knows, we need things spelled out fairly clearly for the most part). And please PLESE do us all (Dom’s) a favor and stop calling being independent, or making your own choice, not following orders or whatever “acting out”. What you do and how you act is your choice. To “act out” hoping for some kind of change in your Dom is Topping and IMO much more un-sub like than telling a partner what it is you need. Your Dom is not responsible for how you choose to act or not act…you are. D/s or not this is still a relationship and it will take both of you to make it work. You are in a fantastic place here, read, learn, and make this yours for the both of you. Take advice sure but know at the end of the day this is your relationship to make. As for mentors choose carefully and DO NOT act on or engage in any activity until you have both discussed in detail the situation and its possible ramifications.

As for me I love to talk to my sub after a session or play. I ask her very specific question and expect direct and specific answers. It is through this communication that she helps me get better as a Dom and I feel more confident that her needs are being met.

Best of luck to you both.

[Ragoczy]

Another thing to consider is that there's a lot of societal conditioning that points to dominant behavior and says "bad!". Even an intellectual understanding that the acts are consensual and an inner tendency to desire these things sometimes can't overcome the feeling that you're somehow doing something "wrong".

That may not be coming into play here, but I've seen often enough with new dominants. Overcoming that just requires patience and reassurance -- and being active in a community like this can help. The constant reenforcement that you're not alone and you're not doing anything wrong and all these other really cool people do it too is helpful.

[Ragoczy]

I like the idea of a mentor to help you, but also want to sound a note of reality. I believe that Doms and Subs each have a unique set of experiences and natural gifts that form who they are. It is very difficult to MAKE a Dom more commanding, harsh, controlling, loving, tender, sadistic, etc., just as it is equally hard to re-make a Sub's personality (or MAKE a vanilla lover suddenly kinky). The best approach if you are in a committed relationship is to find the edges of their limits and learn to play within them. If you discover it is not enough for you, or too much, you will need to find another to help you achieve your natural balance. Like any relationship, we should never expect to be able to change the person we are involved with. If we can nudge them, well call yourself lucky!

This is a good point. Watch out for mentors who'll try to mold, rather than guide. Healthy interaction with a mentor will include the mentor asking a lot of questions to explore what you two like/believe, not long-winded exposition on what you should.

The exception to this is technique, where, obviously, you want the more experienced person put some things as absolutes ("Do not leave your submissive hanging upside down while you go to the pub.").

[LilJennyLynn]

Just an update. I got my Collar put on yesterday, and OMG!!!!
Things are going MUCH better. I do believe that really helped bring it up a notch. Not too mention all the help we've received from everyone here. I'm so very grateful to have come across such a kind and helpful community. Thank you all.

*~One Happily Collared JennyLynn~*

[J-Go]

Congratulations to you both!!!

[Ragoczy]

Good for you! And thanks for updating us.

[icey]

glad to see things are working out and if he needs a 'push' from time to time thats not topping from the bottom, its simply encouragement ...big difference, we all have to learn somehow!

[PropertyOfMasterJoey]

lol wow you should have seen Master's face when i first brought the idea up. He lit up like a kid in a candy shop lol :-P But then He sat there and had me then and there tell Him everything i wanted, expected out of the relationship, and immediatly did research on how to safely and effectively go about this type of relationship. It was so amazing watching Him dedicate so much time and effort into little old me ;-) But really you'd be suprised what communicating can do

[Logic1]

It is the small things in life that makes a difference
Good to hear that the collar worked out for you.!

[videohawaii]

can

[tessa]

[SIZE="3"]
I sometimes think the BDSM world is over-analytic in order to explain itself. But I don't think it really bears too much scrutiny. It is simply a reflection of a person's character and kinks. And doms/subs must deal with each other's personality and quirks just like vanilla people deal with their partners' ideosyncrasies.

Brilliantly stated. My sincere appreciation for taking the time to think that through and share with us.