How to be safe?

[thir]

Anyways, I'm not sure why someone would say it's unwise to try and convert a vanilla person. Do you honestly think he/she dreams about the missionary position?

The reason is that so many people tells us that it doesn not work.

First, yes many people do freak at trying something else. They run away screaming, or send you to a psychiatrist - or a priest. I am not saying anything about how often this happens, but according to posts here, when it does, it hits peple where it hurts.
And sometimes they blab to their friends.

Secondly, if the 'conversion' does not spark a hitherto hidden need for bdsm, the best you can hope for is something done out of kindness or love, but with no real sense of the thing behind it. Ask a number of subs how that feels, we've heard about that too.

[ar1]

My primary thought in this is that if you look among non-bdsm people, do not wait until you have fallen in love to bring this issue up. You may end up having to choose between love and bdsm, which is kind of like choosing between eating or drinking as I see it.

I guess my whole search at the moment is an internal one to find out how important BDSM would be in a future relationship. I don't know if a choice between love and BDSM would amount to eating/drinking as you put it, I just don't know if I could live without some form of d/s or if it's something I really need in a relationship now I've discovered it. The only way I can find out is to try I suppose, there's no other way I could just "know" unless I've been there...

The reason is that so many people tells us that it doesn not work.
...
I am not saying anything about how often this happens, but according to posts here, when it does, it hits peple where it hurts.

I realise in a lot of situations it doesn't work out, but do you think taking this forum, for example, would constitute a somewhat biased sample? All the couples who managed to successfully introduce BDSM into their lives would have no need for this forum - both partners would still be happy in their relationship as they were before. It's those who try (and fail) to introduce BDSM who would then be feeling the need for support and go in search of a forum like this to discuss their problems.

I really don't doubt that for lots of people it hasn't worked out, and that it does really hurt when that happens, but eventually time heals and it surely has to be worth a shot if there is a chance of it working? You probably can't really answer that! What I value as being worth it could be a million miles away from someone elses values! I realise I'm probably being really naive, I just fail to see how if you meet someone "on the scene" and then strike up a relationship, you could both happily give up what you had/did before in public and enter into pure privacy at home? That's why I'm concered about going out to events because I'm not convinced I'll find what I'm looking for, it already seems too public for me!

[thir]

I realise in a lot of situations it doesn't work out, but do you think taking this forum, for example, would constitute a somewhat biased sample? All the couples who managed to successfully introduce BDSM into their lives would have no need for this forum - both partners would still be happy in their relationship as they were before. It's those who try (and fail) to introduce BDSM who would then be feeling the need for support and go in search of a forum like this to discuss their problems.

What I meant was that seeking bdsm in a vanilla population often does not work out.

As for this forum, it is by no means only used by people who have a troubled bdsm life. A great many like to have contact with other bdsm people :-) and if you read more, you'll see a good many posts on very good relationships.

This is not just about problems, but about THTWD in general and much more besides.

I really don't doubt that for lots of people it hasn't worked out, and that it does really hurt when that happens, but eventually time heals and it surely has to be worth a shot if there is a chance of it working?

Why, yes, of course. I think I must have expressed myself very clumsily if you got that impression. Again, I was talking about vanilla><bdsm seeking.

I just fail to see how if you meet someone "on the scene" and then strike up a relationship, you could both happily give up what you had/did before in public and enter into pure privacy at home? That's why I'm concered about going out to events because I'm not convinced I'll find what I'm looking for, it already seems too public for me!

I do not see why someone who was looking for a partner should not be happy to retreat to the domestic scene if one was found. Anyway, there is no harm in looking.