Husband/master finds it hard to to "mean" to me

[graptolite]

Tell him he will only get head when you have a warm sore ass.
Then he may get into it more

push him to give you a really good spanking and the more he spanks you, the better the BJ after.

G

[brwneydgirl]

Tell him he will only get head when you have a warm sore ass.
Then he may get into it more

push him to give you a really good spanking and the more he spanks you, the better the BJ after.

G

I understand this response to the original issue and maybe it will work wonderfully but this smacks of "topping from the bottom" or of the sub bargaining for what she wants. I think it would probably leave her feeling unfulfilled.

Maybe it's just me.

[davina_]

I understand this response to the original issue and maybe it will work wonderfully but this smacks of "topping from the bottom" or of the sub bargaining for what she wants. I think it would probably leave her feeling unfulfilled.

Maybe it's just me.

I agree completely, but in a situation where a "would-be" Dominant has not "learned" his/her role yet, could this be considered education? If not, what other method would you suggest.

[thir]

I understand this response to the original issue and maybe it will work wonderfully but this smacks of "topping from the bottom" or of the sub bargaining for what she wants. I think it would probably leave her feeling unfulfilled.

Maybe it's just me.

I think this depends on just what kind of 'power frame' or ideology or kind of submission is behing the wish for whipping and bondage.

As I see it, the most important thing is not what is actually done, but the feelings and ideas behind them. For example, say you could look into 3 different homes and there see the same picture: a person being whipped by another person. But in pic 1 it might be a slave being whipped by a master or mistress in a 24/7 relationship, and if we could we watch further we might see that this person was told how to dress, what to do, and under control all of the time. In picture 2 we might see the persons change places later, or the day after. In picture 3 we might see a difference between what happens in the scene, and what happens afterwards, which might be a non-bdsm life. And so on.

My point is, we cannot see into the heads of the people we were watching, but the feelings in there would be very different, and those feelings are what determines everything else.

There is a difference if someone wants a whippping as a sensual experience, or if it is a sign of dominance. Or both.

Another thing is that what you want and what you can get is not the same thing. You may want someone to take over, but if don't, they don't, and you have a problem. You can give it up, or try to make the best of it. As I see it, topping from the bottom is not always by choice, but it may be bettter than nothing, at least for a while.

[brwneydgirl]

You may want someone to take over, but if don't, they don't, and you have a problem. You can give it up, or try to make the best of it. As I see it, topping from the bottom is not always by choice, but it may be bettter than nothing, at least for a while.

This is true. But now what if we looked at it from the opposite angle... Let's say there is a couple (a kinky couple), both the partners are mostly dominant in their lives and yet one particularly wishes for the other to submit. And let's say that other one DOES submit...sometimes...but with no great zeal, and in fact, most of the time, the dominant has to keep reminding the partner that he/she should be a bit more submissive. I think this would become frustrating for both partners, quite quickly.

I agree that, "what you want and what you can get is not the same thing." And that not everyone WANTS to "take over"....but when you've been trying to make the best of it for years and years and it's to the point where you'd rather just skip sex altogether than pretend to enjoy what your partner is doing instead of hurt their feelings, it starts getting ugly.

My situation seems to be a common one here on the library. My husband will do what I ask...he'll tie me down, spank me a bit, might even tussle with me a little, but I KNOW (because he's expressly told me) that none of these are things he enjoys. He gets no fulfillment from it, and in fact, it stresses him out to think that I DO enjoy them---and that that enjoyment probably reaches further than he'd care to examine. So, to save his feelings, I hide that part of myself away.

I tried to make the best of it by explaining what I want. I topped from the bottom. But my "better...at least for a while" is coming to an end and that scares me.

[thir]

..but when you've been trying to make the best of it for years and years and it's to the point where you'd rather just skip sex altogether than pretend to enjoy what your partner is doing instead of hurt their feelings, it starts getting ugly.

I am sorry. It is a bad situation, and, as you say later on, all too common too.
My thought was, if you turned the situation around: would you like him to pretend that what you did was enjoyable - time and time again? Would you like to keep doing something that was bad for your partner?

[quote]
My situation seems to be a common one here on the library. My husband will do what I ask...he'll tie me down, spank me a bit, might even tussle with me a little, but I KNOW (because he's expressly told me) that none of these are things he enjoys. He gets no fulfillment from it, and in fact, it stresses him out to think that I DO enjoy them---and that that enjoyment probably reaches further than he'd care to examine. So, to save his feelings, I hide that part of myself away.
[quote]

He does all you ask, but says he does not enjoy it..It stresses him to think that you enjoy what he is doing to give you pleasure? So you try not to show your pleasure, or did you mean you try not to have any bdsm at all?

Is it at all possible that, if he stopped freaking out over this interest, he might enjoy it? Could he and you maybe talk to some other bdsm people? Could he be on this list? Is it possible to de-dramatize the whole thing? Could you get some good books?

I tried to make the best of it by explaining what I want. I topped from the bottom. But my "better...at least for a while" is coming to an end and that scares me.

It certainly does not sound good..have you talked to him about what he might want? Have you talked in more general terms about bdsm, and how common and totally harmless it is?

Have you talked about you trying to meet someone else?

[thir]

..but when you've been trying to make the best of it for years and years and it's to the point where you'd rather just skip sex altogether than pretend to enjoy what your partner is doing instead of hurt their feelings, it starts getting ugly.

I am sorry. It is a bad situation, and, as you say later on, all too common too.
My thought was, if you turned the situation around: would you like him to pretend that what you did was enjoyable - time and time again? Would you like to keep doing something that was bad for your partner?

My situation seems to be a common one here on the library. My husband will do what I ask...he'll tie me down, spank me a bit, might even tussle with me a little, but I KNOW (because he's expressly told me) that none of these are things he enjoys. He gets no fulfillment from it, and in fact, it stresses him out to think that I DO enjoy them---and that that enjoyment probably reaches further than he'd care to examine. So, to save his feelings, I hide that part of myself away.

He does all you ask, but says he does not enjoy it..It stresses him to think that you enjoy what he is doing to give you pleasure? So you try not to show your pleasure, or did you mean you try not to have any bdsm at all?

Is it at all possible that, if he stopped freaking out over this interest, he might enjoy it? Could he and you maybe talk to some other bdsm people? Could he be on this list? Is it possible to de-dramatize the whole thing? Could you get some good books?

I tried to make the best of it by explaining what I want. I topped from the bottom. But my "better...at least for a while" is coming to an end and that scares me.

It certainly does not sound good..have you talked to him about what he might want? Have you talked in more general terms about bdsm, and how common and totally harmless it is?

Have you talked about you trying to meet someone else?

[thir]

Sorry - I made a mistake here.