Trust (or lack thereof)

[orangeblossoms]

Mine didn't end easily at all... Nearly two months after the fact, he walked in my front door, tackled me, and kicked the s*** outta' me. Not a great way to spend three hours of one's life, we'll put it that way. However, the experience drives home the point that people who are insecure (regardless of their experiences with their current partner) tend to have issues that deeper attempts at trust building often fail to correct.

Cadence chimed in with a great point, that she is slow to offer trust and, frankly, so am I. However, there is a HUGE difference between lack of trust, and mistrust. I stated before and I'll mention again: both trust AND mistrust have to be earned. Like Cadence, I am slow to give up the core of who I am to people. It's hard, and it requires my partner to show patience. But there's a big difference between holding your own cards close to the vest for awhile and jumping all over another person for suspected indiscretions.

Then it ended the exact same way for us both....

[gustaf]

Mine didn't end easily at all... Nearly two months after the fact, he walked in my front door, tackled me, and kicked the s*** outta' me. Not a great way to spend three hours of one's life, we'll put it that way. However, the experience drives home the point that people who are insecure (regardless of their experiences with their current partner) tend to have issues that deeper attempts at trust building often fail to correct.

I find myself in a similar situation...my last relationship ended because I wouldn't "beat the shit" out of her. Ironic perhaps? Trust was violated, in my situation, at the point I understood she had very low self esteem and I was the pawn she was using to verify her own lack of self worth…it made me sick!

[DowntownAmber]

I find myself in a similar situation...my last relationship ended because I wouldn't "beat the shit" out of her. Ironic perhaps? Trust was violated, in my situation, at the point I understood she had very low self esteem and I was the pawn she was using to verify her own lack of self worth…it made me sick!

Any relationship used to either mask or to validate low self esteem needs to have the brakes put on it, and put on QUICKLY. It makes no difference if the self esteem is the cause for the love, or the cause for the hate; it's bad news for both parties involved.

[Flaming_Redhead]

In a relationship, D/s or otherwise, who is responsible when it comes to trust? Does trust need to be earned, or is it something that should be freely given?

In a relationship, both parties are responsible when it comes to trust. Some amount of trust should be freely given, as much as you are comfortable with, but that doesn't necessitate that you follow blindly.

If there is mistrust, who is at fault? The person who has the feelings of doubt, or the one is isn't being trusted?

If there is mistrust, it usually occurs because of a situation or misunderstanding between those involved which is where communication becomes important. Who is to blame depends on the situation.

What if there aren't any reasons to be mistrustful, but it is just a result of insecurity? How is this best dealt with?

I wouldn't go so far as to say there aren't ever any reasons to be mistrustful or insecure. I know I have my reasons. It doesn't excuse an overreaction, either on my part or his. It is best dealt with by communicating your feelings and, hopefully, having your fears laid to rest. If every time you try to discuss how you feel and get berated for it, it doesn't help the situation for either involved.

What happens when blind trust is provided, but undeserved?

In my experience, bad things usually happen.

Is it enough to just say "trust me?"

It will never be enough for me to hear that. I have to see it to believe it.

More specific to a D/s context, what if a Dom states that if his sub does not trust him, she will be released?

That's his choice. If, after a time, the trust isn't growing between them, it's probably best to call the whole thing off.

Many here have made very good and valid points. For myself, I know I have issues. In my mind, my fears are not unfounded. I'm not the type to accuse anyone of cheating, etc., or go ballistic without due cause, and I'm actually very forgiving and understanding. However, when someone hits a wall and decides there's no hope without actually making any effort to correct the behavior which is causing the bad feelings, I'm not willing to take all the blame.

I'm worth a fucking phone call, damn it! *cries*

[Logic1]

I am one of those trusting persons aswell. I have hurt from this just like everybody else and I keep trusting people. I like that fact about me even though sometimes it has hurt like hell.

Trust AND mistrust has to be earned from me. I try and start off everybody at a clean state of "0" so to speak and then they have to build and hopefully not destroy what was built up trustwise.
Some people just oozes trustworthyness and my girl is one of those and she says that I am that person too so were both very happy .

[orangeblossoms]

I am one of those trusting persons aswell. I have hurt from this just like everybody else and I keep trusting people. I like that fact about me even though sometimes it has hurt like hell.

Trust AND mistrust has to be earned from me. I try and start off everybody at a clean state of "0" so to speak and then they have to build and hopefully not destroy what was built up trustwise.
Some people just oozes trustworthyness and my girl is one of those and she says that I am that person too so were both very happy .

Your post merited an AWWWWWWWWW!

[tessa]

I am one of those trusting persons aswell. I have hurt from this just like everybody else and I keep trusting people. I like that fact about me even though sometimes it has hurt like hell.

I want to be more like this. It sounds rather liberating.

Some people just oozes trustworthyness and my girl is one of those and she says that I am that person too so were both very happy .

What a wonderful way to express that.

I'm worth a fucking phone call, damn it! *cries*

Yes, sweetie, you are. Actually, you're worth so much more. ~hugs~

[Logic1]

Your post merited an AWWWWWWWWW!

hahaha. That is what my girl and her girlfriends say aswell. Not just about things I say but about cute children or a cute whatever..Must be a female expression. Sure sounds kinda cute though

thank you though!

[Alex Bragi]

*ss* That's our Tom for ya.

[TomOfSweden]

*ss* That's our Tom for ya.

he he. Now I'm blushing.

[Stone]

trust should be earned and given its a 2-way street

[Mr.FixIt]

In another thread "Discipline Exercises" I thought I had "coined a phrase", but was quickly corrected. I am certain that I did coin the following phrase: "Dog shit smells like dog shit".

Someday my grandchildren will say "Like Grand-dad always said--Dog shit smells like dog shit"! Yes, I am a redneck, and I would be proud for my grandchildren to quote me on this one! But, every time that I use the phrase I get confused looks from folks that are very similar to the looks that a dog will give you when he doesn't understand what you are saying to him--you know, when the dog's head tilts slightly left and then back to the right! So, I assume that you all are giving your computer monitors the same look right now, and I will explain.

When a dog shits in the floor, it stinks. You can spray air freshener, sprinkle potpourri, and Lysol, but the shit still stinks. In fact, the room then smells like roses, potpourri, Lysol and SHIT! Every dog shit that you have ever experienced has always had a terrible odor that just won't go away. So, why the hell would you expect the next nasty pile of dog shit that you step in would not smell the same. The only way to avoid the smell of dog shit is to avoid dog shit, DUH!!!

To clarify, you should take things as they are, and should not expect them to be any different than what they are. If you are dating an alcoholic, don't think that you can change that and miraculously make them a better person. If your family has always ostracized you, don't think that suddenly you will be accepted into the fold. If your boss has always been a dick, don't think that because you worked your ass off on a project you will suddenly be appreciated by him/her. And to drive my point home: If you have reason to not trust the person that you are involved in a relationship with--STOP THINKING THAT DOG SHIT WILL NOT SMELL LIKE DOGSHIT!

On the other hand, if you have no reason to mistrust the person, stop assuming that they are dog shit. However; if you mistrust without reason, you should look at yourself and consider why you mistrust them. Have you done something yourself that would lead you to believe that your partner must also be doing something wrong?

Either way, I must re-iterate my "original coined phrase", dog shit smells like dog shit. We're all here because we have various kinks, fetishes, and turn-ons. Maybe you like dog shit, who am I to judge? But if you don't like dog shit, do what I do and throw it in your neighbor's yard!

[H Dean]

Those who do not trust generally do not deserve trusting. People project themselves onto others. It's that simple.

[ashtonDs]

Originally posted by lily27:
Is it enough to just say "trust me?"

At first I was going to say no, absolutely not. But then I thought about it awhile, (couple of days) and now I say it really depends on where your relationship is. If someone you don't know says, "Hey, I'm a Dom/me, you're a sub, trust me," what do you do? You have no relationship with this person, know nothing about them, and just like that *snaps fingers* you're supposed to believe what they say and trust your safety to them? No. You get away from them as soon as you can.

On the other hand, your Dom/me of many years says, "Come here I would like you to try this." And you say, "I don't feel very comfortable doing that." What do you do if they say, "Look, I won't let anything happen to you, trust me." You will probably go along with it and try it.

The words, without a situation around them, are just words. In the context of a paticular situation they take on meaning. As we respond to these questions we all attach a situation to the question then answer it.

(This is a situation where it looks as if I was being paid for using the word "situation" as often as the situation lends itself, doesn't it? I'm not even sure I know what that last paragraph means. geesh )