how to spot an arsehole

[thrall]

unfortunately there are more of the bad one's out there then we would like to think...

Listen to your gut!
Watch what they do in the forum
Check the details/is the story consistent.....
Ask very hard questions.....and see how they are answered....and i mean whopper questions!.....
Talk to other people and see what they have to say about whomever you are thinking about...
Is emotional blackmail employed to get you to do things you are uncomfortable with.....big red flag!


common sense......

[c_a_i]

the problem is that it is so rare that it can easily be called the uncommon sense

[Lisais mine]

how do you spot an asshole? I don't know any hard and fast rules, but when did Dom become a title and not a predisposition? just because someone gets off on turnig somebody on, dosen't mean they can do that from the first conversation. that in itself is an example of assholery to me.

You just don't start off a conversation that way. and i think that any decent human being knows it. if you are interested in developing a relationship with someone, well, you might want to know what they look like- the online thing is a bit weird to me- but if someone isn't polite, involving you in a real conversation, trying to see if they have a connection with you- then they are most definitly an asshole, and not worth your time.

I think that a D/s relationship needs so deep a level of trust that you have to have that first.

[BryansGrrrl]

You just don't start off a conversation that way. and i think that any decent human being knows it.

Although the conversation this morning about how grabbing some random woman's hair in a bar as a "pick up line" was enjoyable, I do have to agree.

[Lisais mine]

heh
well, it WAS your idea...

[DIXIE LASS]

when did Dom become a title and not a predisposition?

Love it! A memorable quote. Thank you.

DIXIE

[BryansGrrrl]

LOL, it was my idea, and I still think it's funny. But we both know it was a joke. I'd still LOVE to see the look on the woman's face, though. *giggle*

[Lisais mine]

We will try it out when i meet your friend from Arizona....

[thir]

In your experience, what signs (on-line, email, phone etc) can you pick up to warn you that a Dom won't treat you right?

First of all, I think it important to be aware of what one is looking for in a Dom/me. 'Not treat you right' can also mean 'not compatible', and there are many ways and interests.

Example, a Dom who says "It is all about me" may be just what makes you heart tick, or it may make you feel real bad.

Also, as others have said, get rid of set ideas of how things 'should' be, but listen to your own inner voice. If the Dom/me in question does or demands something you cannot handle or which makes you really uncomfortable, I would say do not, but not, get into internal discussions about what a sub 'should' do, just listen to your voice and communicate the problem, or get out of there!

Maybe it need not be said to beware of the strutters, the "kneel bitch" types after 10 min conversation, and the types who claim that if you are a sub you just submit, period, or you are not 'for real'.

Another thought that comes to mind is that at times, when sub needs are really really pressing, it can be hard to think straight. Please hang on to your head, because the sharks out there are likely to recognize that condition and take advantage. Take you time to get to know people, however much your system yearns for a Dom/me.

The rest I think it sort of common sense and experience..I do not think you can always know.

[tessa]

In your experience, what signs (on-line, email, phone etc) can you pick up to warn you that a Dom won't treat you right?

If a dom ever says, "I'm polyamorous, but I don't allow my subs to be", don't just run from the building, but set it on fire as you leave.

[Lisais mine]

If a dom ever says, "I'm polyamorous, but I don't allow my subs to be", don't just run from the building, but set it on fire as you leave.

really? how do these people even get subs to talk to them?

[tessa]

really? how do these people even get subs to talk to them?

I have yet to figure out why any of those trolls get even a passing nod. A punch, now that I could understand.

Maybe naive desperation plays a part?

[DIXIE LASS]

If a dom ever says, "I'm polyamorous, but I don't allow my subs to be", don't just run from the building, but set it on fire as you leave.

I can think of something else I'd like to set fire to when I hear this one. This one has to be the lowest of the low, the MOST unforgivable, beyond the pale, a mortal sin.

DIXIE

[leah06]

I can think of something else I'd like to set fire to when I hear this one. This one has to be the lowest of the low, the MOST unforgivable, beyond the pale, a mortal sin.

DIXIE

Why? Lots of other things in D/s relationships are not equal; why is this a bottom-line requirement? In fact, if you read the polyamory thread, there are quite a few subs who say something like, I belong to Master alone; Master does as He pleases. This wouldn't suit me, but I don't see why it's totally different from a lot of other inequalities in these interactions.

[DIXIE LASS]

If a dom ever says, "I'm polyamorous, but I don't allow my subs to be", don't just run from the building, but set it on fire as you leave.

I can think of something else I'd like to set fire to when I hear this one. This one has to be the lowest of the low, the MOST unforgivable, beyond the pale, a mortal sin.

DIXIE

Why? Lots of other things in D/s relationships are not equal; why is this a bottom-line requirement? In fact, if you read the polyamory thread, there are quite a few subs who say something like, I belong to Master alone; Master does as He pleases. This wouldn't suit me, but I don't see why it's totally different from a lot of other inequalities in these interactions.

Rache,
Why do you always give me a hard time?

1. I'm speaking from a personal perspective. I'm only agreeing with Tessa.
Apparently this is a "bottom-line requirement" for both Tessa and me.

2. I'm not much of a sub to begin with and I guess this is one of the reasons
why I'm not. If there are some out there willing to accept this, I could
care less, but I don't pretend to be able to conceive of the way lots of
subs think and I'm certainly not looking around for a D/s relationship.

3. This particular attitude is just particularly outrageous and offensive. It
seems to me to be the highest kind of selfishness. Unadulterated
arrogance. Maybe it's because menage between me and only males is
MY fantasy. Why the hell should I give that up? After a
crack like this, an Ass-Dom-Hole would be lucky if I even let him
participate.

DIXIE

[Ozme52]

If a dom ever says, "I'm polyamorous, but I don't allow my subs to be", don't just run from the building, but set it on fire as you leave.

Is anyone reading this thread and thinking,'Oh shit, that describes my Dom!' Did you know really or is anything here a bit of an eye opener?

I can think of something else I'd like to set fire to when I hear this one. This one has to be the lowest of the low, the MOST unforgivable, beyond the pale, a mortal sin.

DIXIE

I think I'm safe.

[DIXIE LASS]

I think I'm safe.

Oz, you sure have a lot more confidence in your tractability than I do.

[Ozme52]

Oz, you sure have a lot more confidence in your tractability than I do.

Huh? You sure you're using the word tractable correctly?

I don't see how being open to letting my girl play without me makes me tractable.

[Pearlgem]

Is anyone reading this thread and thinking,'Oh shit, that describes my Dom!' Did you know really or is anything here a bit of an eye opener?

[tessa]

Is anyone reading this thread and thinking,'Oh shit, that describes my Dom!'

I really hope so.

[Zarine13]

So Monday night I was conversing with a Dom, who I have been talking to on and off since I signed up. I thought he was a decent guy.

I was also reading this thread when i was talking to him. He asked me to do something rather time consuming and I said no, for the simple reason that I had to go to bed shortly (the next day I was taking 2 finals, I refuse to NOT get a good nights sleep before finals) he started to say some of the very things from this thread.

My first thought was he was teasing me because he could see what thread I was reading. Then it became apparent he had no idea what I was reading.

I finally had to get snippy with him for him to take my no as a real answer (yeah by that time I was kinda pissed anyway so it wasn;t hard to do ) I got a terse reply and haven't heard from him since.

So yeah, not all arseholes show themselves right away either.

[leah06]

You know, I do understand why people object to the Dom-with-a-harem. I do myself, for myself. I guess I just didn't see why this was a red flag of assholery. Some subs seem to be looking for this kind of arrangement, and God bless 'em, I say. After reading these posts, I guess I would say, an asshole of a Dom is anyone who tries to convince you that he meets your agenda but secretly doesn't. It's not the fact that he doesn't meet your agenda that makes him an asshole - that's how we spell it here, Pearlgem - it's that he hides or disguises it.

You want to be Girl Number Seven? Go for it. You want the one who's married/won't call you/bosses you around/won't let go - fine. But if that's not what you want, then keep your eyes and ears open to see if he's what he says he is. And actually, not to burst anyone's bubble, but that's really your responsibility, not his. You need to be sure that he's right for you, and you need to pay attention. Of course people shouldn't lie to each other, but lots of these problems arise not from lies but just from people not heeding the warnings.

IMHO.

[lucy]

Isn't exactly on-topic, but it's a sign you're talking with the wrong guy: If you're chatting with someone and you just know that he's at the same time having conversations with at least 3 other people.
Back when i still was interested a wee little tiny bit in getting to know Doms for more than just chatting, one even called me the wrong name once. Probably got all his chat-windows mixed up
At least i knew that i didn't need to bother with that guy anymore.

[Ozme52]

Isn't exactly on-topic, but it's a sign you're talking with the wrong guy: If you're chatting with someone and you just know that he's at the same time having conversations with at least 3 other people.
Back when i still was interested a wee little tiny bit in getting to know Doms for more than just chatting, one even called me the wrong name once. Probably got all his chat-windows mixed up
At least i knew that i didn't need to bother with that guy anymore.

I have no experience chatting with doms, but don't think subs don't do this and do it a lot. Only instead of talking to other doms, they chat it up among themselves.

So... I don't think this particular trait is an indicator of bad behavior as much as it's a sign of the times. People take cell calls at dinner functions, and have no qualms about interupting a face to face conversation to take a call.

But I do think, when flirting, one should have my full undivided attention... as I expect to have yours.

[Arria]

I know of several cases in real life, where a Dom has several subs, but the subs are exclusive with him. All parties want it that way. In that case, it is ok.

It would not work for me as I am jealous in a relationship, though.

However, if the "Dom" in question tries to tell you
- this is normal / everybody does it that way
- you have no right to oppose that
- if you oppose it, you are not a genuine sub,

BURN THE HOUSE!

As I already said elsewhere, what is OK in a relationship is ONLY to be decided by the partners involved, NEVER by anyone else.
BOTH (or all) partners, though. Always. Never by the Dom alone.

What still escapes me is: What sort of Dom would want an unhappy sub?
Or, what sort of sub would want to be with a Dom who does not give a fuck about her emotional well-being?