D/s outside one's marriage

[_ID_]

Well my situation is this .... my husband knows about my submissive side, has just recently told me he wants nothing to do with the lifestyle or Dominanting me *sighs* but knows I need to fullfill that part of myself be it online or otherwise ..... He just wants no knowledge what so ever of what is going on. I'm not sure how to handle this situation as of yet because it's still very new to me. But would that be considered cheating in your book .... because if lets say ... and that's a VERY big if I decided to persue (or be persued as the case may be) by a Dominant online with the possiblity of real life interaction my husband wouldn't know about it because He's asked it to be that way. I don't know if what I just said makes sense at all but I hope so.

sugar - there is two ways to look at the situation that you might encounter. First, would the interaction you have with a Dom include sex/intercourse/fucking? If it did, would you consider it cheating? If the submission you were going to partake in were not to include sex (the act of fucking) then you could more allow what you do to fall into the more grey area of if it were cheating or not.

[Ozme52]

Well my situation is this .... my husband knows about my submissive side, has just recently told me he wants nothing to do with the lifestyle or Dominanting me *sighs* but knows I need to fullfill that part of myself be it online or otherwise ..... He just wants no knowledge what so ever of what is going on. I'm not sure how to handle this situation as of yet because it's still very new to me. But would that be considered cheating in your book .... because if lets say ... and that's a VERY big if I decided to persue (or be persued as the case may be) by a Dominant online with the possiblity of real life interaction my husband wouldn't know about it because He's asked it to be that way. I don't know if what I just said makes sense at all but I hope so.

It makes perfectly good sense to me. You state he said he knows you need to fullfil that part of yourself and that he wants no knowledge of it when it occurs. In my book, you have permission to play without guilt and without jeopardizing your marriage... so long as you obey his wishes and make sure he doesn't have it "rubbed in his face" so to speak.

[Guest 91108]

then i must truly be a sinner i have a wife , pet and a subbie.. and i truly like playing with other to pass my time.

Glad they all know what i'm doing
chuckles insanely.

[Skruddgemire]

How is this not simple adultery/cheating? What am I missing about the relationships that makes this sort of thing acceptable?

It really depends on the nature of the relationship between the married couple as well as the one between the people involved.

In a clear-cut definition of the marriage vows, and and all actions outside the marriage are adulterous.

However there are situations where married couples have an open relationship and allow each other to seek out other adventures as long as they do not ignore each other's needs. Such as in the case where a person is really into a fetish that the partner is not. It may be agreed upon to allow the person to fulfill his fantasy since the partner is unable/unwilling to do so.

Other situations the couple can agree that cyber/virtual sex is nothing more than fantasy interactive masturbation and allows it to go on. The other person may know it's going on, but doesn't want to know the gory details...might not want to any of the details.

Or there are cases where when someone gets married, both partners understand that there are people that they used to do things with and they agree to let it continue. In the case of an online adventure, the other partner may once again, not know any of the details but is not concerned because they know that the other one will log off and will come to bed and they will fulfill each other.

In my marriage, my wife came to me and mentioned that she had a married couple as friends and that they used to do threesomes together. Once we were back in the area she was once again asked if she could come over to play. My wife showed me the e-mails, showed the part where the friends stated that if I wasn't comfortable with it they would understand, and asked me what my thoughts were.

Well since they were good friends of hers (keeping her sanity when her previous marriage was going down the crapper) and that she did give me the history and asked me first...I let her go and have playtime with her friends.

My take on it is that it's only cheating if the other partner is unaware of it and hasn't given their blessings to do it.

Mongo Skruddgemire

[Radiance]

It depends on many things,If your camming with one another and the people are naked yes in a way its cheating but only if the husband or wife dosnt know what your doing online, if your sneeking around hiding from your partner or staying up late after they go to bed its a form of cheating also.I think if all partys know, you will never get caught up in lies,Just cos you cant touch them,dosnt mean its not real,Hearts become involved and anyone that says they dont is lieing.But still if your not meeting them its not that bad,again as long as your partner knows,whats the use of hiding what you like.

[Amberxiao]

I did not mean to come across as judging anyone else. My post was mainly written with the eyes of 20/20 retrosopect. That is to say, I did BDSM with a married man who did not tell his wife about it.

It made perfect sense at the time. While I was somewhat nervous about it, he had very good reasons, or so it seemed to me, for not telling his wife about it. He also had, and still has, very good reasons for ending his relationship with his wife. The fact is, that marriage is held up by the fact that he will not be honest about who and what he is (and not just the BDSM parts, but some very core things about him) and by the fact that he's willing to be someone he's not in order to provide her with what he thinks she needs. He believes that deceiving her is the right thing to do because she would never be able to understand him otherwise, and that she would lose too much if he left her. There is also a child involved. There are a lot of good reasons for him to stay, but all of them are undermined by the fact that he's staying out of deceit. There's a lack of respect between them, on both sides, that makes my head spin. She thinks he is a child who cannot do anything without her input. He thinks she's a damsel in distress who would crumple at even the sight of the real world. They are profoundly unhappy.

When I realized that he was essentially removing her ability to make a choice by not telling her, that's when I broke it off. When I realized that he was using me to avoid making a choice of his own, that is, that he didn't have to leave her in order to have a place for his "true self", I realized that 1. we really weren't doing her any favours, and 2. if he couldn't be himself with her, he had to deal with either accepting that and staying away from outside places to get that part of himself met, or by not accepting it and leaving.

It was a very hard thing to do. I'm very, very picky about who I trust, and it's possible that I will never have another partner. This person is still a very good friend of mine, and I hope he finds happiness. But he will never find happiness as long as he continues to be bound by his own deceit. He may think it's for the good of all, and certainly, there are a lot of positive short-term results, but it's based on a profound disrespect, in the sense that he is essentially removing her ability to choose.

I also work with the developmentally disabled, and choice is a huge deal there. There are a lot of things they don't get to choose, depending on their legal status (i.e. whether they have a guardian or not) and the level of disability (in some cases, it's impossible to understand what they *do* want).

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I apologize for sounding like I was preaching at everyone. I was trying to give answers that would help someone who was in a position that I was in before, but looking back, I realize that it would only have made me feel guilty and defensive at the time. Plus, in realizing that my stance is based on one experience, I now realize that it was unfair of me to assume that all such occurrences are like the one I was in. Honesty is really important to me. I would never be comfortable in a relationship where I had to lie about something like this. I would be tremendously hurt if I found out a partner of mine had not told me about their interest in something because they feared I would be judgemental. I would feel even more hurt if they got involved with another person (cyber or in real life) without telling me. Part of this is that I am, in general, a pretty accepting person, and if they had a fetish that I couldn't get into for some reason, I'd be okay with them finding someone else to do it with. I'd just want to know. But what I really don't understand is, if someone is lying to their spouse because they know or are afraid that the spouse wouldn't accept the BDSM: why would you stay with someone who can't accept that? If it's so important to get those needs fulfilled, if it's that deep of a need that it justifies going outside the marriage... why are you in the marriage in the first place? And if it *isn't* that big of a deal, if the partner *is* worth giving it up... then why haven't you given it up?

I'm not saying it's wrong this time (though it would be if it were me in any of the positions), I'm saying I honestly don't understand it. The two things I absolutely *need* in any relationship are these: acceptance for who I am (based on the fact that I've been able to tell the person everything), and complete and open honesty. Without these two things, the marriage would be nothing to me. So, I can't really understand why someone would want to be in a marriage where they weren't accepted and could not be honest. And I do think that by not telling them about something, you are not allowing them to choose whether *they* accept it or not, and thus whether *they* want to stay in the relationship or not. Making that kind of a choice for someone without their consent... seems very dubious to me.

Again, I don't know any of the particular situations people are involved in. I also know that when I was in the above relationship, and people said that the key for determining whether it was cheating or not was whether or not you could tell the spouse, I was very vehement that they did not understand our situation. As I said, there were very good reasons for him not telling her... but in the end, they weren't good enough for me because of the fact that by not giving her the information, he wasn't allowing her to make the choice. He was *assuming* she wouldn't accept, but that she wouldn't *really* be better off without him. It amazes me how easy it was for me to ignore the inherrent arrogance of that, how easy it was for me to be convinced that he was doing it because it was best for her, how easy it was for me to disrespect her. I am very glad I am not that person today. My goal in all of this is not to blame or condemn, but to show where I have been and the mistakes I have made. I come away from this situation in agreement with the idea that it's cheating if you can't tell the spouse. For me, that *is* the litmus test. Again, I don't know all the situations out there. I know the situation I was in had a greater than average share of "good" reasons for not telling the other person. There may be some where that percentage is higher. There may be relationships where honesty really isn't a core value and it's something else that makes the marriage worthwhile. I don't understand that and it makes me wary, but not understanding doesn't make it wrong. I can only judge my own relationships, and hope to give useful information to others.

*caveat: this doesn't apply to people who have already *said* they don't want to know. I don't understand those people either, but I do believe in taking people at their word, and if they say they don't want to know, then don't tell them.

[smilie]

hime i agree completely !!

[pixie_dust]

I am inclined to agree with what many others have already posted here. Each relationship has it's own boundaries which have been established by those individuals.

Whether one is cheating or not, can only be know by that person, however. Even if the spouse/partner does not know about the other's on-line activities. It is entirely possible that they have a "I don't mind, I just don't want to hear about it." guideline that works for them.

In my situation, Sir visits the internet often for his r/p games and has a sub overseas whom he loves dearly. She and I have talked on occasion, and we routinely ask Sir how the other is doing. For myself, I don't care to hear about his r/p adventures much, although he enjoys sharing some of the more "interesting" ones with me.