This is something I've been thinking about a lot lately. Me, I'm over 30 years old, I've always known that I'm kinky. My very first sexual fantasies, my very first sexual experiences, all my sexual life, have revolved around these points - humiliation, domination, submission, etc. At the same time I wouldn't say I'm sure at all about my sexuality, particularly not if that means identifying with a clear and fixed role of some kind. I.e., I can say - I'm dominant. But can I say - I am a dom ... this is what I am, this is what I want, this is what I need, this is how I behave, this is my path ... ?

... perhaps I am just particularly unsettled in my sexuality, maybe I'm not experienced enough in the ways of BDSM, I haven't tried hard enough, one day I'll grow into understanding what I am, ... or then again maybe sex will always be a flux of experimentation, wonder, disappointment sometimes ...

Anyway, reading some of the discussions on this site this struck me - many people seem to feel so clear and confident in their sexual roles, in a way that I wonder if I'll ever be. But surely not everyone, or not always, I can't be alone can I? There must be people here who've gone through all this confusion before me. And maybe never come out of it - maybe the confusion's a great thing after all ...

Anyway, here's the thing. I know that vanilla sex doesn't satisfy me. Or not usually, sometimes maybe it has, if it's really fucking good, if I'm really besotted and flushed with desire for her, maybe, but still, there's something missing, something more I need, I keep coming back to ... I need the submission. I need to push it further. I crave it. If can be with a vanilla girl I really like and she says - hit me, tie me, call me names - good, this is something, maybe for a while it can be enough. But I want more. I can pretend for a while that it is not there. But at some point for sure the initial excitement will wear off, and the need to live out what I'm really desiring will grow too strong. I can see that I am turning away from her, from my desire and wonder at her, this woman, and into my own fantasies, which she cannot be a part of. I am not going to try and coerce or mold her into something she doesn't really want. It will just have to end there. I'll explain my needs, my desires, and she, probably, won't really understand, she'll try to understand, but there's really just a look of incomprehension, maybe sadness, and - what are you saying, why can't I give you what you want? There's something wrong with you? There's something wrong with me?

So better keep away from vanilla girls. I'd better stick to my own kind. Make sure they're just the right matching shade of BDSMness before we even meet.

Problem - I like vanilla girls! Or rather - sometimes I meet girls I really like. It happens, and much more often than not they happen to have little interest in BDSM. Or some interest, yes, almost everyone likes to play a bit, but then you reach quite clear limits, and maybe that's worse in the long run, if you got your hopes up ...

So what do you do when you're charmed by the looks, the intelligence, the smile, the eyes, the wit, the flirtation of a stranger, a new connection? Do you just say - no, look away, this isn't for you ... Or do you give in to the spontaneity of the moment, you play, and run the risk, of hurting - or at least disappointing - maybe yourself at least, if not someone else too ... ???