How to be safe?

[ar1]

I feel about 10 years old for even having to make a thread to ask this, but always better safe than sorry I guess...

I've never involved myself in the real-life BDSM scene at all but think it's now something I need to do to know whether it's the right path for me to take or not. If you've read other posts by me over the last few days you will realise that I became involved with BDSM with my ex-boyfriend (he was new to it too) and it was a really personal thing that we explored privately together and that stayed in the bedroom. I want to try to find that in a relationship again - where BDSM is just in the bedroom and is a personal aspect of our lives - however the predicament is that the very process of finding someone into BDSM (at a munch, night event etc.) surely contradicts the personal aspect? I have been told that to enter into a vanilla relationship and try to introduce BDSM into it thereafter is a very unwise idea and unlikely to work, so I'm trying to source out alternatives here.

Anyway, I think I'm going to go ahead and enter the scene to find out whether it could work that way or not, but the 'problem' is how do I do it safely? I don't want to tell any of my friends about my BDSM interests but have nobody already involved in that lifestyle who could accompany me, so I'd be going alone. There's an event I've found out about from FetLife which takes place in a few weeks, it's at night, and I don't know how to make sure I'm safe if I'm going alone and nobody know's where or why I'm going?

Do I need to tell a friend or is there an easier way? Thanks in advance!!

Also - does anybody happen to know the word for a munch in Spanish?!

[Stone]

Me no habla mexican, If you are going to a munch at a public place and its a group of people I would not worry about it, if going to someones house yeah have a safe call lol if going to a dungeon again wouldnt worry to much the last thing a dungeon wants is something bad to happen to anyone there

[_ID_]

You can usually contact the group organizing the event, and one of the fellow submissives would be glad to meet you beforehand for coffee or something. Just say you would like to know someone before going, and could they help with that.

[VaAugusta]

I took a hard look at the bdsm scene and ran the other direction.

Anyways, I'm not sure why someone would say it's unwise to try and convert a vanilla person. Do you honestly think he/she dreams about the missionary position? BDSM is one of the most popular fetishes around. Just put yourself out there and meet some nice dudes. I went to a dungeon not intending on seeing some penises, but it happened. Be prepared. And yeah, it's not that personal to "play" in front of a bunch of dudes in a warehouse, but you could meet someone and then strike up a normal relationship and do your bdsm stuff elsewhere. Good luck!!

[thir]

Anyways, I'm not sure why someone would say it's unwise to try and convert a vanilla person. Do you honestly think he/she dreams about the missionary position?

The reason is that so many people tells us that it doesn not work.

First, yes many people do freak at trying something else. They run away screaming, or send you to a psychiatrist - or a priest. I am not saying anything about how often this happens, but according to posts here, when it does, it hits peple where it hurts.
And sometimes they blab to their friends.

Secondly, if the 'conversion' does not spark a hitherto hidden need for bdsm, the best you can hope for is something done out of kindness or love, but with no real sense of the thing behind it. Ask a number of subs how that feels, we've heard about that too.

[ar1]

My primary thought in this is that if you look among non-bdsm people, do not wait until you have fallen in love to bring this issue up. You may end up having to choose between love and bdsm, which is kind of like choosing between eating or drinking as I see it.

I guess my whole search at the moment is an internal one to find out how important BDSM would be in a future relationship. I don't know if a choice between love and BDSM would amount to eating/drinking as you put it, I just don't know if I could live without some form of d/s or if it's something I really need in a relationship now I've discovered it. The only way I can find out is to try I suppose, there's no other way I could just "know" unless I've been there...

The reason is that so many people tells us that it doesn not work.
...
I am not saying anything about how often this happens, but according to posts here, when it does, it hits peple where it hurts.

I realise in a lot of situations it doesn't work out, but do you think taking this forum, for example, would constitute a somewhat biased sample? All the couples who managed to successfully introduce BDSM into their lives would have no need for this forum - both partners would still be happy in their relationship as they were before. It's those who try (and fail) to introduce BDSM who would then be feeling the need for support and go in search of a forum like this to discuss their problems.

I really don't doubt that for lots of people it hasn't worked out, and that it does really hurt when that happens, but eventually time heals and it surely has to be worth a shot if there is a chance of it working? You probably can't really answer that! What I value as being worth it could be a million miles away from someone elses values! I realise I'm probably being really naive, I just fail to see how if you meet someone "on the scene" and then strike up a relationship, you could both happily give up what you had/did before in public and enter into pure privacy at home? That's why I'm concered about going out to events because I'm not convinced I'll find what I'm looking for, it already seems too public for me!

[thir]

I realise in a lot of situations it doesn't work out, but do you think taking this forum, for example, would constitute a somewhat biased sample? All the couples who managed to successfully introduce BDSM into their lives would have no need for this forum - both partners would still be happy in their relationship as they were before. It's those who try (and fail) to introduce BDSM who would then be feeling the need for support and go in search of a forum like this to discuss their problems.

What I meant was that seeking bdsm in a vanilla population often does not work out.

As for this forum, it is by no means only used by people who have a troubled bdsm life. A great many like to have contact with other bdsm people :-) and if you read more, you'll see a good many posts on very good relationships.

This is not just about problems, but about THTWD in general and much more besides.

I really don't doubt that for lots of people it hasn't worked out, and that it does really hurt when that happens, but eventually time heals and it surely has to be worth a shot if there is a chance of it working?

Why, yes, of course. I think I must have expressed myself very clumsily if you got that impression. Again, I was talking about vanilla><bdsm seeking.

I just fail to see how if you meet someone "on the scene" and then strike up a relationship, you could both happily give up what you had/did before in public and enter into pure privacy at home? That's why I'm concered about going out to events because I'm not convinced I'll find what I'm looking for, it already seems too public for me!

I do not see why someone who was looking for a partner should not be happy to retreat to the domestic scene if one was found. Anyway, there is no harm in looking.

[ar1]

I took a hard look at the bdsm scene and ran the other direction.

If it's not too personal a question may I ask why? Obviously each person is different, but I'd be interested to understand your own reasons into this if you wouldn't mind sharing

And yeah, it's not that personal to "play" in front of a bunch of dudes in a warehouse

It's not? I thought playing in public would be a very personal thing to do - letting yourself be seen by anyone in an undoubtedly compromising position? I might need you to expand on that one a little please!

Good luck!!

Thank you. I hope to read a few more posts from you on this topic yet

[Ozme52]

Not unwise... but rarely satisfying imo.

As far as dungeons are concerned, there are usually social places to meet folk, sit and talk... and play areas. You can meter what you want to see and how much you want to see.

[thir]

Not unwise... but rarely satisfying imo.

That was what I meant. You can get lucky, as OP was, but it is not likely. That doesn't mean a person cannot try, of course. A number of people report bringing the bdsm need up with no bad responses, but in some cases you do get rather bad responses. I guess that depends on your luck, and perhaps where you live. It can be tough, especially if you by now have feelings involved, and also connects with the privacy issue; normally people are more discreet who also need discretion themselves.

My primary thought in this is that if you look among non-bdsm people, do not wait until you have fallen in love to bring this issue up. You may end up having to choose between love and bdsm, which is kind of like choosing between eating or drinking as I see it.

[thir]

I feel about 10 years old for even having to make a thread to ask this, but always better safe than sorry I guess...

Yes, indeed ;-)

I want to try to find that in a relationship again - where BDSM is just in the bedroom and is a personal aspect of our lives - however the predicament is that the very process of finding someone into BDSM (at a munch, night event etc.) surely contradicts the personal aspect?

I assume you have considered looking on the various sites where people are looking for partners? There is one here as well.

Why not talk to people on-line, also about non-bdsm things, get to know them to some extent, while still nothing more than an online-name to each other. Talk about your needs, and let them express theirs. It can be nice or tedious, but you cannot really avoid this phase.

Then meet in a public place the first time, and possibly more times.

After that it may be time to take the leap but yes, I'd say do let someone know where you are! Maybe you need not tell them what for, it is a resonable safety precausion also for vanilla first-private-meetings.

If your potential new dom does not like this, or is adamant about how you should 'trust him', I'd consider whether I wanted a dom who cannot understand the safety issues of a sub.

[ar1]

I assume you have considered looking on the various sites where people are looking for partners? There is one here as well.

Why not talk to people on-line, also about non-bdsm things, get to know them to some extent, while still nothing more than an online-name to each other. Talk about your needs, and let them express theirs. It can be nice or tedious, but you cannot really avoid this phase.

Then meet in a public place the first time, and possibly more times.

I haven't considered looking online for partners, I've always had reservations about dating sites and stuff but now you mention it, within this kind of context it could actually work really well. There is more of a need to keep it private here than in the case of a regular vanilla lifestyle where you could go anywhere anytime and easily meet potential partners. OK so you have seriously got me thinking now, but the one thing I'd find a bit weird would be, for example, putting a post out there (or a profile or whatever), having a number of replies and then striking up conversation with lots of people (potential partners) at once. With each person there'd be the unspoken implication that it could go further since that was the nature from which contact started. Could that pose a problem later on? Ideas? Thank you :-)

[thir]

[QUOTE=ami_r90;906148 OK so you have seriously got me thinking now, but the one thing I'd find a bit weird would be, for example, putting a post out there (or a profile or whatever), having a number of replies and then striking up conversation with lots of people (potential partners) at once. With each person there'd be the unspoken implication that it could go further since that was the nature from which contact started. Could that pose a problem later on? Ideas? Thank you :-)[/QUOTE]

I do not see why. You have not promised anybody anything at that stage.

If you do start to get serious with someone though, you should be honest about whether you are seeing or talking to others.

[denuseri]

It could it all depends on what that other persons intentions really were too.

Look at some of the adds in the personals section of the forums...there are people posting for online only, online to real life/ real life only etc and for every fetish along the way.

Just please keep saftey in the forefront of your dealings. Not everyone out there is who and what they say they are.

My biggest single mistake was not having a responsible third party who would call the cops etc if I didn't check in periodically, no one new where I was going or who I was with, I got very lucky to survive my only online to real life encounter...I hope and pray no one else goes through the same.

[ar1]

I hope and pray no one else goes through the same.

I'm really sorry to hear you had such a bad experience (probably putting it mildly but sometimes words are inadequate...).

As for the third party, how much information do they really need to know in order to ensure your maximum safety? Ideally yes they'd know everything, but I for example have no intention in telling any of my friends of my interests and would rather they knew as little as possible. I don't want to lie about where I'm going, but I also don't want to make it sound really suspicious because I'm witholding information. Anyone got experience in this or got any suggestions? Thanks.

[thir]

Just please keep saftey in the forefront of your dealings. Not everyone out there is who and what they say they are.

My biggest single mistake was not having a responsible third party who would call the cops etc if I didn't check in periodically, no one new where I was going or who I was with, I got very lucky to survive my only online to real life encounter...I hope and pray no one else goes through the same.

I'll second that!

[Ozme52]

It could it all depends on what that other persons intentions really were too.

Look at some of the adds in the personals section of the forums...there are people posting for online only, online to real life/ real life only etc and for every fetish along the way.

Just please keep saftey in the forefront of your dealings. Not everyone out there is who and what they say they are.

My biggest single mistake was not having a responsible third party who would call the cops etc if I didn't check in periodically, no one new where I was going or who I was with, I got very lucky to survive my only online to real life encounter...I hope and pray no one else goes through the same.

Yes, the mistake was not having taken safety measures.
The second "mistake" was to not tried again. *wink wink - nudge nudge"

[denuseri]

People use third parties for vanila encounters too...so I dont see why whoever it is needs to know that your going to get kinky per say.

[ar1]

As for this forum, it is by no means only used by people who have a troubled bdsm life.

Oh of course not! I didn't mean to imply that at all - whoops!

This is not just about problems, but about THTWD in general and much more besides.

What is THTWD?

I do not see why someone who was looking for a partner should not be happy to retreat to the domestic scene if one was found. Anyway, there is no harm in looking.

A very valid point, it's just they're such different things. Playing in public/being in public is something you'd be doing because you enjoyed doing it. Why would you give that up if it gave you pleasure? It seems to me a bit like you'd be giving up a bit of your life, a major hobby or something - finding a partner and 'retreating' doesn't seem to compliment the former activities in any way?

People use third parties for vanila encounters too...so I dont see why whoever it is needs to know that your going to get kinky per say.

True. So if I'm going to a BDSM club night, for example, bearing in mind I'd also be travelling to and from the club alone, what could I tell a friend? It would seem weird to say "I'm going to a club by myself" and would also then provoke the question "oh can I come?" I guess I could make out it's catered for a particular interest that wouldn't suit them, but I'm not really sure how to go about saying that without explaining further...

[Ozme52]

True. So if I'm going to a BDSM club night, for example, bearing in mind I'd also be travelling to and from the club alone, what could I tell a friend? It would seem weird to say "I'm going to a club by myself" and would also then provoke the question "oh can I come?" I guess I could make out it's catered for a particular interest that wouldn't suit them, but I'm not really sure how to go about saying that without explaining further...

Regarding a club, I'll ponder on that... but as for any "meeting" with someone first met on the net, just say that. Not what you'll be doing beyond coffee or lunch, just that you're meeting someone from online. For most folk,THAT is sufficient reason for a safe-call. In my opinion, more necessary for a vanilla meet and greet than a kinky meet and greet. Vanilla posers are potentially more dangerous.

Don't forget... many predators expect you to make a safety call... so also set up the expectation of checking in hourly (or so) and have a "duress" word. Such as, if all is well, you can say that, say "good", say "great" say just about anything, except one word that means you're in trouble. "Wonderful" works. "Brilliant" perhaps if you're English. Just a word you won't accidently use if you ARE having a great time and are all excited. (I hate it when the cops burst in just as a girl is cumming.)

[ar1]

In my opinion, more necessary for a vanilla meet and greet than a kinky meet and greet. Vanilla posers are potentially more dangerous.

Haha I like that! ;-)

(I hate it when the cops burst in just as a girl is cumming.)

This sounds like an interesting story if you'd care to share?!!

[thir]

What is THTWD?

It was meant to be The Things That We do, but I forgot a couple of letters.

True. So if I'm going to a BDSM club night, for example, bearing in mind I'd also be travelling to and from the club alone, what could I tell a friend? It would seem weird to say "I'm going to a club by myself" and would also then provoke the question "oh can I come?" I guess I could make out it's catered for a particular interest that wouldn't suit them, but I'm not really sure how to go about saying that without explaining further...

If you are talking to me:

There are 2 different strategies here:

1) Go to a club. This is supposed to be more safe. Talk to an organiser beforehand.
2) Adds. As I said, when visiting in a non-public place for the first time, tell someone where you are going, but you do not have to say what exactly you are going to do there, do you? Just that you are seeing a guy for the first time.

[Ozme52]

What is THTWD?

It was meant to be The Things That We do, but I forgot a couple of letters.

heheh, I wondered if that was the case. What It Is That We Do (WIITWD) is how I've heard the phrase.

[Ozme52]

People use third parties for vanila encounters too...so I dont see why whoever it is needs to know that your going to get kinky per say.

Exactly what I was going to say.

And btw, I've set up safe calls in the past too. There's no shame in it and anyone objecting or saying they're insulted is being ingenuous or short-sighted.

[denuseri]

The only reason one would need it for a public club proper would be if one was intending to up and leave with someone they didnt know and go elsewhere.

[Ozme52]

The only reason one would need it for a public club proper would be if one was intending to up and leave with someone they didnt know and go elsewhere.

Good point. Public clubs are probably the safest venue. Private dungeons (in homes) are a close second if the invitation is more or less open. (A mixed group of people met at a munch.)

[ar1]

The only reason one would need it for a public club proper would be if one was intending to up and leave with someone they didnt know and go elsewhere.

My main concern isn't about any danger within the club, but my travelling alone to and from the club - hence the need, IMO, for somebody to know where it is I'm going. Only last night I was waiting for a bus home in the early hours (with a female friend) and a guy approached us at the bus stop asking for sex and not taking our disinterest as an answer. Another guy was also waiting for the bus and I asked him if he could possibly help us and he just started laughing with the other guy (who by this point had said he was going to follow us home on the bus). In the end I waved down a taxi, the driver whom very kindly gave us a free ride back home after I'd explained our situation and that we had no money just our travel ticket. Thus why I feel the need to let somebody know exactly where I'm going whatever it is I'm doing if I'm going alone...

Hence returning back to how if I say I'm going to a club alone, it poses the question "well why can't I come too?"

[thir]

The only reason one would need it for a public club proper would be if one was intending to up and leave with someone they didnt know and go elsewhere.

Which would not be adviceable in terms of safety.

[denuseri]

No I agree its not all that wise to run off with someone one just met.

[Ozme52]

I hate it when the cops burst in just as a girl is cumming.

This sounds like an interesting story if you'd care to share?!!

That's a more hypothetical scenario. I've had a husband walk in... but he was cool (and they were poly.) He said, "Oh excuse me, please continue." ... and I did.