Signals

[cariad]

We are currently having a couple of rooms redecorated by someone who is both a skilled decorator and a good friend of mine. I have known him for a few years, and have chatted about many things, but never any reference anything remotely 'kinky'. There is also nothing on display in any part of house to which he has access which would give any clue.

But today, when I gave a flippant response to something he said, his face changed completely, (I am sure you know what I mean fellow subs), and he said that I needed was a good spanking. The hug and attempted kiss which followed this statement left me in little doubt about his meaning.

Do subs give out secret signals, if so what?

cariad

[Warbaby1943]

Doesn't sound too secret to me. Whatever signal it was that you gave out was apparently was easily recognized. Were you trying to entice? Did you glance downward as you made your remark?

[tessa]

Do subs give out secret signals, if so what?

cariad

Despite your lack of intent, me thinks yours weren't so secret to your decorator friend.

I have had similar experiences (an everyday situation, no references to kink at all) a few times in the past. Even lost contact with a person I considered to be a friend when her husband commented to her after I had simply visited with her at her home, "that girl flies one kinky flag".

So I offer a question to you in return. Is who we are such an integral part of our "make-up" that it's impossible to keep our submissiveness a secret?

A fascinating thought, cariad.

[cariad]

Warbaby, I most certainly was not trying to entice, either consciously or unconsciously, for although he is a good friend, he does absolutely nothing for me.

Well tessa, I guess that was question which behind mine, and I was interested to read of your experience.

Whilst I am very comfortable with who I am, I have no wish to be broadcasting and getting unwanted attention, or even worse, as you did, loose a friend.

cariad

[annie]

Personally i think, as a sub, i give off subtle signals with out intending too. Simple things some days... like how i might respond to a question with a "yes Sir or No Ma'am" response and the tone of voice and expression behind it. How my expression may change when something is said that is a trigger of some sort... even how i may sit or hold my hands/arms.

But, i also think that they are signals that only another person in the same lifestyle would pick up on and in some cases only someone in the same lifestyle who knows me fairly well (although doesn't know of my interest) could pick up on. For the most part i think the signs are subtle enough that most "vanilla" people would not pick up on the true meaning behind them. Although any red blooded male might pick up on the sexual innuendo they perhaps might hide.

[tessa]

Whilst I am very comfortable with who I am, I have no wish to be broadcasting and getting unwanted attention, or even worse, as you did, loose a friend.

cariad

I have become almost that comfortable with who I am as well, cariad. And I agree with just_annie in that we may give subtle signals without ever intending to do so, which I can only guess is what happened in the experience I related. In the everyday and unless it is indeed our intent, no, we don't "broadcast" as you put it, but signals may be sent out anyway simply because we are who we are? Maybe, as I really don't know for sure. And the attention that comes from the receiver can cause real issues but are we able to control someone's reaction to these signals? Probably not. We can only control how we respond if the matter develops. I do hope this was an isolated case for you and that nothing more dramatic happens to cause you any distress in the future.

[Hime]

Wow... sounds like the beginning of a story. Too bad he wasn't the inexplicably sexy and shirtless decorator.

I knew a girl whom I was *positive* was a sub, although I'm not sure she was aware of it herself. She was in poetry class with me, dressed very fashionably, and always wore these shiny, black boots, with pointy toes, stiletto heels, and big buckles. The boots contrasted with almost everything else about her -- she was very sweet and timid and had a reputation for being a rich "daddy's girl" (a common stereotype at the college I went to, considering how high a tuition most of the parents were paying). Her hair was usually pulled back tight, she wore tailored jackets and shirts (she had work right after class, so she dressed in her work clothes), and her posture was excellent.

I had my suspicions, but they were pretty much confirmed when she brought in a (very good) poem that she'd written about her boyfriend. It was very romantic and sexy, and there were just a few lines that indicated that he held more power over her -- at least inside her head -- than is completely "normal." She said -- when a couple of people raised the issue in the workshop -- that she had just meant to write a sweet, romantic poem, without anything dark or weird going on... but it was pretty clear to me that her idea of romantic was, um, very similar to my own.

So yeah, I think it probably takes one to know one. I agree with the poster above that you probably cast your eyes down -- to someone in the know, that would be a dead giveaway.

[Guest 91108]

I wanted to think this one over before i replied.

I think there are signals we give out whether we wish to or not.
They are part of our character and make us who we are.
Whether the wrong person gets teh signal or not is kinda out of control I think. The choice is in how you respond to their probe for the information confirmations.
just my thoughts on it.

[Kishi]

I have seen people talking about how they just knew someone was a Dom, be it by something they said, did, or otherwise- why wouldn't it be that some might give off signals as a sub?

[gagged_Louise]

I'm sure one could detect those signals, has to do with body language and the way you carry yourself, the way you talk. We all know people who seem to own the room as soon as they enter and who will make everyone present at least listen - they may not be brilliant, but they have this assurance and way to make people listen, while others seem to excuse themselves a bit if they try to talk to a group of more than three.

I wouldn't get into saying "if you're a bit diffident, then you're most likely a submissive" but maybe a need to have the agreement of others, to please the others before kicking off, is a signal to some that this one's a sub, somehow.

[Hime]

I think people get used to their own little languages in a lot of ways. I can tell if someone is a dancer by their posture and the way they move. I know a long-time AA member who can tell when someone is an alcoholic without ever seeing them drink.

[pixie_dust]

Yes, I agree with what has been posted so far. Everyone gives off some type of signals, waves, or vibes (whatever you prefer to call it). Especially with facial expressions. The way someone looks at another, their eye movements, or the way they hold their head when they speak or are spoken to.

Have you given any thought as to what your expression was when he mentioned that you "needed a spanking"? Perhaps that is all he needed to question whether you are "kinky" or not.

Just my two cents worth.

[DaddyDom]

Never underestimate the power of body language .

[Uncle_Ed]

Do subs give out secret signals, if so what?

cariad

Here's an interesting idea for you all to try. I know that this will sound obvious but it is fun just the same. Watch the TV with the volume turned off. I realise that actors will use body language more than most of us do in r/l-but the signals stay the same. I can guarantee that you will still be able to follow most of what is going on by reading those signs. After all, most human communication is done through body language-an old hang-up of mine when discussing the limitations of on-line communication.

A few of you will know that I really find typing like this, especially when chatting to be too restrictive. I prefer voice for certain subjects as I have failed miserably in the past to convey my meaning with any accuracy.

For those of you that get the chance-watch the British comedy film "Kinky Boots" It isn't that kinky I hastily say, but very funny. The point is though that there is one scene when the heroine has a dance with an extremely camp character. He is carrying a riding crop. He may not be her idea of the perfect partner-but watch her body language. It left me in no doubt about her desires and is possibly one of the most erotic scenes I have ever watched. She says nothing and does very little-but...but...watch it and find out if you agree with me.

Oh! And cariad-why limit your question just to subs? Have you never experienced Dom/mes giving off signals. (Say like at a dance? *weg*)

[cariad]

Smiles - well now you come to mention it Uncle...

*fades away into happy memories*

cariad

[DaddyDom]

How wounded I must be to have sliped so easily past notice. Imagine my surprise when after posting a telling observation of body language ... that no mention of my time away or even that I chose to comment on of all things a post by my dearest cariad. “Sometimes we lose friends for whose loss our regret is greater than our grief, and others for whom our grief is greater than our regret.” - François de la Rochefoucauld.

[cariad]

Daddy Dom, I am deeply sorry if I have wounded you. You know me well enough to know that I hate to cause anyone pain, but that anguish is augmented when it is a dear friend. You are such a friend.

I have left you a personal reply in the form of offlines, which I hope you understand. I admit my mistake, and do beg your forgiveness.

cariad

[Mr.J]

Subs do give off subtle signals and woman should never under estimate the power of there body

[Amberxiao]

This is really interesting. A friend of mine recently told me that she wasn't at all surprised I was a switch, because I apparently give off switch signals (what the heck are those?)

This surprised me. While I often feel domly at restaurants, I've always thought that I probably seem more of a sub to most people. I tend to be very polite and helpful, with a strong tendency to apologize more than I need to. When I was a teacher (T. A., actually), my greatest weakness was that I would give the students way too much leeway and gave in on things I shouldn't have. I was also probably too generous of a grader.

I don't want to be that way. I understand the value in being a challenging teacher because all of *my* favorite teachers were challenging, and I generally didn't care so much for the easy ones.

I know this is sort of off the subject, but it's one of the things that's always disturbed me. This feeling that other people see me as more submissive than I actually am AND that I can't seem to bring out my dominant side even when I know it would be the best thing I could do for my students (obviously, I'm not talking sexual dominance here: I don't plan on having inappropriate relations with students, except, perhaps, in fiction, but in that case, it would be a character of mine, not me, anyway).

[gagged_Louise]

I remember a time years ago when I was out of work and also not studying with any direction. I'd wanted to work, but work was hard to find, unemployment was high and I had no useful contacts to find an inroads job. So I'd landed on this "computer/job searching course" where me and a number of others had, bottom line, been hauled in, because we had to attend if we wanted to keep the unemplyment dole or meagre welfare dough. With the high number of unemployed around, more and more got listed/shoved in on this course which, in the end, didn't fulfil what it had been touted as doing (we'd been promised help to find a practique job after, but that was just forgotten) Soon we were 150 people in a kind of air hangar-like bulilding trying to make the days pass and with totally inadequate equipment to actively search for jobs from this place (this was just before the internet and the cell phone had become an everyday commodity...)

At the same time, I had arranged with a social secretary that I could attend some university classes at evening time (by an idiot rule, this is normaly not permitted if you're on dole or welfare). So in daytime I was with this bunch of - quite often colourful and intelligent - people who were out of work, on a course they half wished they could leave - and two nights a week I went to the university, doing a subject I knew and cared a bout and meeting students (who didn't know what I did in the daytime) - the difference in posture, manner of speaking and self-confidence was very striking.
The students felt they had their own life in their hands, even if they were aware of the risk that it could be hard to get a real opener job later. They spoke with confidence. The out-of-work people, at least some of the time, were irritated, trenchant, vulnerable and hunching; they felt they had been let down and trampled on just too many times - and they would be again. I've sometimes thought about writing a novel about those months and this tumultuous "employment course".

[moptop]

cariad, this is fascinating. I`m quite sure we all give off signs all the time - I have so often caught myself at work, talking to a male manager, standing with my hands behind my back and generally eyes down, like a naughty school girl. Yet at work I was always well known for being aggressive, pushy, difficult, hard, scary, difficult to manage, too outspoken, not scared or respectful of authority - but to my immediate, male bosses, I found myself responding in this way!

I would really like to know, though, if you can get to an approximation of what it was he said, and what your flippant reply was? Because that was the interchange that caused the response.

[Hime]

I know this is sort of off the subject, but it's one of the things that's always disturbed me. This feeling that other people see me as more submissive than I actually am AND that I can't seem to bring out my dominant side even when I know it would be the best thing I could do for my students (obviously, I'm not talking sexual dominance here: I don't plan on having inappropriate relations with students, except, perhaps, in fiction, but in that case, it would be a character of mine, not me, anyway).

Can I be your student?

I have the plaid skirt and everything!

[cariad]

cariad, this is fascinating. I`m quite sure we all give off signs all the time - I have so often caught myself at work, talking to a male manager, standing with my hands behind my back and generally eyes down, like a naughty school girl. Yet at work I was always well known for being aggressive, pushy, difficult, hard, scary, difficult to manage, too outspoken, not scared or respectful of authority - but to my immediate, male bosses, I found myself responding in this way!

I am not quite sure how I am seen at work, but my boss always introduces me to other professionals, (i.e. not clients), as "this is ..., don't worry she is a pussy cat when you get to know her".

I would really like to know, though, if you can get to an approximation of what it was he said, and what your flippant reply was? Because that was the interchange that caused the response.

I cannot remember anything of the exchange which I initially posted about, other than the precise place I was standing when it happened, which I don't think is much help to you. However I a few days later there was a replay, which I can remember the details of. He was painting a radiator, and I stood beside him for a short while watching, and then said "You are painting it white". He painted a few more strokes before starting to worry. "Wasn't I supposed to paint it white?"
Grinning, I replied "Oh, yes, I just commenting on the fact that you were painting it white."
He turned and 'looked' at me "Come here you wench, you should go over my knee for that."

cariad

[Sir_Russell]

As an old Dom that was practicing before the internet and in a bible belt kind of city, I thank god that submissive ladies do give off signals. I found and introduced a lot of women to the life that did not know they were submissives only that they wanted more then what had been offered to them in the past.

One of the first hard to miss signals was that they were attracted to me. Funny how we pick up on the people that have what we need and want.

The ones I feel the sorriest for are the ones that when offered the life they need, they run from it because it is what they truly desire.

Russell