His little one

I have been thinking a lot today (not always a good thing) and I just have to let these thoughts flow out of my mind so I can inspect them I guess.
I used to spend a lot of time being who other people wanted me to be. Then one day I realized that I no longer liked who I was. This was shortly after M came into my life. I was 15 and looking back, I was a mess already. I lived with this certainty that I was already ruined. I knew the things that had happened to me had made me so unclean, I would be scrubbing off the filth every day for the rest of my life. I could not understand why M fell in love with me. Almost 12 years later, I still wonder why sometimes. Funny thing is, He knows I‘m a dirty little whore and loves me more... Anyways, back on track. He told me “to thy own self be true.” And I tried. Unfortunately, I didn’t know Who myself was and used the statement to make some decisions that hurt Him badly. I look back across the years at my misbehaviors, and I wonder if He thinks of them as often as I do. In an odd way, the guilt I carry is worse than any punishment He could inflict because in a way, such punishment might make me feel less guilt.
I used to hate sex and intimacy. I would just…leave. If I didn’t disassociate, I felt scared and dirty (not in even a remotely a good way either), so I would just turn out the mental lights. M has a Dominant personality, it is one of the things I found attractive about him in the beginning. But he spent years trying to gently coax me out of my shell. Then our marriage hit the rocks for a while. I discovered BDSM in chat rooms, and let’s just say, that is one of those skeletons I wish wasn’t in my closet. Then He caught me. He was pissed and I was terrified. I don’t know if I was more terrified that He wouldn’t love me any more, would think I was totally sick, or make it a reality in our lives. I guess it’s obvious which way it went. Things got better. Then I became pregnant with our second child and we backed off some. Several years passed and we began exploring again.

I‘m strong willed, I love getting my way, I can be an all-out brat, and yet, something I have no control over keeps changing in me. I find myself cleaning the house, not because of my OCD tendencies, but so it will be nice for Him when He gets home, I find myself trying to please Him in daily life, submitting in simple ways just to make Him happy. I mean, I love a nice whipping and all those lovely things that can be done with rope, but I never realized that this would change me from the inside out. I guess one day, achieving the edict of “to thy own self be true,” became a part of me by being true to Him.

It’s safe to say, I am no longer capable of disassociating. He won’t let me even if I try.

The feeling of Him sliding inside my mind, hear the words “Mine for all time,” the sting of His whip, the taste of His breath, the feeling of His hands in my hair and the cuffs biting into my wrists…somehow being owned by Him washes clean all of those scars I left hidden and unseen. In owning me He has set me free to be His whore, His freak, to give over the choices of right and wrong, yes or no. It’s like He has pried open my mind and taken a stroll inside, leaving me no corners in which to take cover, destroyed my pride, and exposed my lies. Everything superficial is being washed away, in terror I cling to the reality I know while desperately longing to feel you fill me, own me, control me, mind, body, and soul. In here there is no pretending, no lies, none of those things people believe to be so important in their daily lives…A calculating glance and a firm word, the sweetest kisses and a painful stroke of the whip…I feel like I am melting into Him, into myself, turning into someone else I hid deep inside myself.
I keep looking for places to run and hide, even though I want more than anything to be found…I wish I could stop trying to run, I wish I had a neat little box with a label on it for what is happening to me, I mean, it’s not like our explorations are a new thing. I guess if it went in a neat little box there would be no point. The way I feel about it is changing though. Or maybe it’s the way it makes me feel, perhaps both…

That was to be the end of this post. I went to put it up and a couple of things happened. First, I realized that it was a very raw depiction of myself and how I feel and maybe I don‘t want to see it myself. And the thought of anyone besides Him knowing it, made me feel exceptionally exposed and uncomfortable. Then I began feeling like I needed permission to post it. The guilt I have about past online behavior has given me a deep seated need for him to know every keystroke in this realm. Plus, in a way I am afraid to lay myself out like that for Him as well. It’s nothing he doesn’t know, but putting it out like this makes me feel, I don’t know, mortified and naked? Sometimes it's easier to talk dirty than it is to tell simple truths. And yes, honestly, I am hoping to be told not to post it.

Lol.