First, the technical stuff. Don't be too overwhelmed -- I'm bored and a literature geek, a bad combo. And as always, feel free to ignore anything I suggest, my ego is far too hefty to be impacted![]()
Sounds a bit awkward, I'd insert a couple commas at least, or revise the fragment. S/A "She scowled, closed her eyes, then inhaled a deep breath"Scowling then closing her eyes she inhaled a deep breath
un unattainable-> Biblebible
A strange and slightly jarring transition from P2 to P3; the first mentions "sweet revenge," but the next starts out calling it an ugly emotion, graphically.
Very awkward double negative.No-one may not enter the kingdom of heaven
The "Now" seems to imply a transition back to the present, ie after the murder; I'd suggest removing it.Her fresh and lovely face now contorted,
-> gapinggapping
The "now" again sounds awkward, implying another shift in time that isn't supposed to be there.his now aged body
-> phallusphallic
stockngGlasping?glasping, and unglasping
unfinishesnearhesititated-> mindhis minded raced
Nake-> slidshe now slide those
himeInstincitivelyTechnically a sentence should never start with "and;" you can break that without much problem, but the comma should go -- it initiates an unnecessary pause.And, his ankles
Too many boards.large sideboard cupboard.
AwkwardThere shall there be any more pain
Remove the first commaRebecca, leaned over him,
euphorisainsert "the"thoughts of task
glisteingChange punctuation to: "Tomorrow, he would be a repentant man; now, however, powerless to defend himself against her wicked temptation, he took a deep breath and like so many times before, prepared to allow himslelf to be taken by the pleasures of the flesh."Tomorrow he would be a repentant man, now however, powerless to defend himself against her wicked temptation he took a deep breath and, like so many times before, he prepared to allow himslelf to be taken by the pleasures of the flesh.
Rebeccasfot heSentence fragment; needs a verb. "was"?<The cross, the symbol of suffering, her suffering each time> he coerced her into that that musky smelling room to be alone with him.
no comma, walk -> walkedShe stood up, and walk
crusaifix-> then; no quotes around crossed, it's not a euphemismthan 'crossed' herself
Remove first comma.Turning, back towards him,
-> prayerwhispered a pray
contoredno commasobbed, like
End of the technical part
To answer your questions, while it's not particularly hard to follow I don't think you should jump around so much. Specifically you give away the beginning and end in the first 1/4 of the work, which means the rest is just...the rest. It leaves an incomplete story arc and leaves a very unsatisfying ending (we know what the future brings; we just read it; we don't even have to think about it for a second once we're done reading). The intro is very good, and I like the idea of beginning with the end, but when you start your flashbacks I'd highly recommend making them sequential. Particularly, although you alluded to it you never used any of the "little girl" flashbacks to actually add to the plot; either remove them all or utilize them to tell the story instead of the memories of the "earlier that evening" time frame.
I can visualize some of what's going on rather graphically; you got the gore down wellbut other than 'he's between her knees' and a brief mention of her poise near the end, you never actually say what they look like. At one point his blood spattered in her pubic hair and I was surprised to learn she was nude (it was mentioned in a later time frame, but not that one).
For all that, I was very impressed with the work. You're a great author, and this has a ton of potential. I think you stretched a bit too far to create an intricate structure at the cost of the story (as your question implies you already know), and that needs either some more tweaking and transitioning or a reworking to prevent interference with your story. That you came up with the structure at all and made it work reasonably well is a testament to your imagination and skill. When you pause to focus on description your language is amazing; a couple more pauses is all that's needed for elaboration. Well, and a quick spell check
I'd definitely read this just for pleasure, and I look forward to seeing what you do with it!