Relationships outside of marriage

[NightNurse]

Many have said that a D/s relationship is one of honesty and respect. If someone is in a D/s relationship outside of a marriage, presumably vanilla, how can either of them (D/s couple) know that the other is being honest?

When is it "okay" to have a relationship outside of marriage? If someone realizes they are dominant or submissive but their spouse is neither, is it appropriate to start a new relationship with someone that is in the lifestyle?

I took quite awhile and read all of the posts in this thread.. Besides feeling the strain in my eyes.. I'm feeling envious- ( of Oz and Captain and sipgirl..) and I'm feeling empathy for those who are submissive in a vanilla marriage that just isn't working......

Everyone here has had so much to say.... and everyone is entitled to their opinion... so here's mine.

For the first question... only you can decide what you believe.
The second question- No one can tell you when it's "okay" to do anything. YOU are the one who has to decide that.

Life would be soooo much easier if we could get concrete, black and white answers to questions like that wouldn't it?

As for all of the references to "cheating" and the breaking of marriage vows.. Why is it that everyone always reacts so strongly to that- when reality is the first vows usually broken are "love and cherish". If those vows weren't broken, maybe the remain faithful vow wouldn't be either.....

prepared for rotten vegetables and stones....

[Isabelle90]

IWe are starting to communicate better….or I should say that I’m starting to communicate better, she never had a problem.
....
I regret that it’s taken me this long to realize how important communication is in our relationship (verbal and non verbal).
....
I never knew she was willing to do so many things to make me happy!!

I have yet to hear of anyones vowes stating I will only be faithful to you if I am happy. I will only be faithful to you if I get what I want. I will only be faithful to you if I do not find someone new and exciting.

If your read that carefully the term "I" alot no we no us.

Why is it that everyone always reacts so strongly to that- when reality is the first vows usually broken are "love and cherish". If those vows weren't broken, maybe the remain faithful vow wouldn't be either.....[/I]

NurseNight you have great point with the love and cherish. Perhaps one or both people in a marriage are not feeling loved or being cherished. Isn't that ultimately what D/s relationships are all about?

Captain talked about how he and his wife worked together to change things. MasterStone commented about the "I" factor. Do you think that if couples worked on the love and cherish part as a "we" they could overcome and meet in the middle? Of course that would be wonderful!

I've heard people complain about their vanilla spouses, but are they doing anything to help the situation? Captain spoke about communication, MasterStone spoke of selfishness, two things that need be addressed in any marriage, in my opinion.

Tessa had a thread called "My Journey" that spoke to the challenges of bringing a spouse into this lifestyle. She seems to be doing it, albeit slowly (based on her posts). I've read enough threads and posts to get an idea of what goes on "behind spouses backs." The question of whether it's appropriate or not is so compelling to me.

MasterStone, you're right. We do judge. Maybe it's human nature, but I don't think it's always necessary to point fingers and openly criticize others. You stated your opinion and that's what I asked! Thank you!

The Bible, I believe, speaks about getting your own house in order first. We (society in general) tend to want to put the focus on others so that our own flaws aren't so apparent. Whether or not you are of any faith in particular, or none at all, the basic principal remains.

Here's the deal: I ask questions whether or not I have a desire to pursue anything. One cannot learn without asking questions. A dear friend told me recently that I would put most cats to shame with my curiosity. I wasn't offended!