Quote Originally Posted by Flaming-Redhead View Post
This conversation with tessa came about because of Lord Hemloc's personal ad. He was looking for a slave which I have never considered myself to be. I've never wanted to be a slave due to some negative feelings about the whole idea of just giving in completely, and if I take an honest look at myself, I'm barely even submissive. However, upon reading the ad, it touched something way down deep in my soul. The problem is that deep inside my soul there's a hole you don't wanna see. It's an ugly, foul, black abyss where madness rules, and if I listen to the whispers of the demons that dwell down there for very long, I begin to long for death to come and take me. This madness interferes with my need to submit, and it is definitely a need because when dominance is withheld from me I am greatly frustrated and unhappy. I imagine this is quite confusing to my dominant since I resist him at every opportunity. Why? I've been thinking about it for a long time, and I believe it's due to absolute terror. I can remember when just the thought of being collared would almost send me into a panic attack, but I still kept searching...my need driving me onward in spite of the fear. When I read "Story of O" based on a friend's recommendation, I thought it was very erotic, but I was troubled for O. I was angry with her each time she gave in to the demands of Rene who obviously didn't love her at all. I was angry because I'm also guilty of having let myself be used by people who didn't deserve to lick the bottom of my shoes. I was hopeful about Sir Stephen, only to discover that my worst fears were realized in the end. I have trust and abandonment issues for good reason, and the book echoes the questions that I ask myself. If I do everything he wants, will he love me or despise me? Does he love me, or is he using my need to be loved and accepted to manipulate me as has happened throughout my life? What if I surrender myself completely to his will only to be abandoned when he tires of me? That right there would be the death of me for sure because I don't think I could ever give myself to someone like that more than once. Other questions also continue to nag me. What if I am never able to surrender? What if no one is willing or able to break through? I will be a very miserable person since I can't go back to vanilla. *sigh* I've resolved to keep trying. It's the only choice I have, really. Some progress is being made though not as much as I would like, so I'm not only struggling with disappointing him but also myself. It definitely helps to have a kindred spirit to talk to while drinking a Ruby Relaxer and daydreaming about riding...um....horses.

tessa, we are a team, so you are not alone! *hugs* Now, we need to think of an appropriate name for our team and get some cute uniforms, preferably something with a very short skirt and maybe some of those new-fangled thingies you call "panties."
Tessa and All,

This is a Great topic I think <soft smiles>, and raises some very valid points, and I have read them all. Though I have chosen Reds posted response to give my own experience on things She writes about. Because I can soooo relate to Her thoughts.

Back in the beginning of my Journey into the BDSM Style of relating, I had a Mentor who later became my *M* for a time of 3 years. All of the questions and fears you write of Red, I experienced. Including the feeling of "abandonement" when I was Released....and all the devastation you speak of percieving it may be should it happen to you. Though it was never Really that....however I percieved it to be so for a while. It was simply Time, however I fought and struggled for it not to be. It Was! That Reality was very hard for me. As hard as you describe. I quit my job of 8 years, took to my bed, as if terminally ill, and even had my lymph nodes swell all over my body. The bottom line Really, was my struggle with Me. When I resolved that, I was better for it All. My last and final, and most difficult Gift and Lesson from my *M*and Mentor of that day. And I am soooo very Blessed for it!

Truly one cannot Give Control one does not have. One must have Power to hand ones Power over to Someone else. So could it be for You and Other(s) who think they are "Barely Submissive", that is actually Owning one's own Power? "Barely Submissive" means *to me* that it is My Choice to Whom I Submit. I have no obligation to Submit to Anyone or Anything I do not wish to. And I will NOT Submit, nor Give My Submission, simply because it exists within me, nor because of my need for it to be Accepted/Taken....even with the ache that causes. "Barely Submissive" means *to me* that I am no ones doormat, that I have a brain that functions well, that even as Slave I am a Person First, and I have no need, desire, nor tolerance for abuse, and that no matter who or what comes or goes I have my own Spirit. I am also quite mischevious <WEG>.

In my entire Life I have only actually Submitted to 2 other PPL. And I am primarily Dominant with others. Does that make me "Barely Submissive"? Or does that just make me Knowledgable enough and Experienced enough to Know the differences of what Is and what is not?

For me, "Barely Submissive" means I have walked and struggled through the Fire, and I have come out the other side Whole. It means I have the opportunity to continue to Grow and Learn, and I have and I will. Pain is sometimes the best Teacher <G>.

It is said that *when the Pupil is Ready, the Teacher Will Appear*. I believe and Know this to be True. It is also said * a Time and a Season for Everything*. Faith is the key to these doors then?

Respectfully~SidheWolf