I don't know what I want

[delish]

I haven't been here in ages, I know. I can't promise I'll be any more present, because my life is somewhat in turmoil. I won't go into things that don't play a huge role in what I'm about to panic over.

I don't know if I want to submit anymore. This is not a playful, "I want him to MAKE me want it" sort of feeling, either. I'm horrified just looking at the words.

I've sort of lost my sex drive, and I don't understand it. I have hangups, for sure, but I've always wanted sex, sexual connections, and that level of intimate control. I don't want it anymore. Don't want to go near it. Don't want to think about it. Reluctant to even DO anything.

I thought I had a reasonable grasp on myself, but I think maybe I'm not what I thought I was. Am I making any sense? I downright have panick attacks if he starts being aggressive with me. I think I even get a little angry.

He is wonderful, compassionate and supportive. But I got the feeling yesterday that I don't want to do these things for him... I want to do them for me. I want me to be my priority.

Do you all just think I am horrible now?

[SUBtly_shy]

No not at all you are not horrible, confused and upset yes. Horrible no. The real question is why are you feeling this way? Do you need a break? time to yourself maybe a couple days alone to just think? The main thing is you cant make other people happy if you cant be happy yourself. Take a step back relax and think about it when you have a clear mind again

always here if you need an ear
Shy

[SubmissiveDoll]

Oh my gosh! No, I wouldn't think you are horrible! People change over time.

What you should look at is how fast this changed. Was it gradual over a good long amount of time? Or did it sorta happen quickly in days or weeks?

If something this big, changes this much quickly, you should examine it very closely. There are lots of reasons that could happen.

However, the panic that feel is something you should probably examine as well. Where is that coming from? Often when we settle into something that is comfortable and we begin to relax, old and possibly regressed feelings will start to peek out. I'm not saying you have to be submissive, it's not for everyone. But, you should take some time to see where these feelings are stemming from.

[Demon Dom]

Inhale: One of the most common errors during inhalation is to try to fill the lungs completely on each inhalation. One should never force inhalation beyond comfortable capacity. About two-thirds full is the right measure for an inhalation.

Retain: If properly performed, even brief retention of breath provides profound therapeutic benefits to every organ, gland and functional system in the body. Breath retention for 3-4 seconds slows down heart beat, reduces blood pressure substantially, and triggers cellular respiration.

Exhale: This is more important than inhalation as one has to first thoroughly empty in order to fill the lungs properly with fresh air. Empty lungs in reverse order of inhalation, starting at the top and ending at the bottom.

Pause: When the lungs are completely empty, pause for a few seconds to permit the abdominal wall and the diaphragm to relax again, then commence a slow inhalation.


Deep breathing reduces stress, deepens insight, expands consciousness and increases intuitive perception. When you get angry or start to panic, breathe. Have your Master run you through above exercise. Be aware of your breath. If you are in a conversation, take a moment to breathe before you respond, focus on slowing your breath.

There is nothing horrible about you. Through what little intel you have provided, you seem to have shut yourself down into "survival mode". Thanks to my pet, its a MO of dealing with things I am well familiar with. The worst thing he can do is to try to take you "aggressively" or to "make you submit". The best he can do is to exercise his dominance by being there for you ; and by refusing to indulge into arguing when you become angry for no reason, as hard as it is, he should stay quiet and calmly walk away. I suggest he takes up jogging or performing katas, to help with his patience. When you have calmed down, he may hold you and listen to you.
Once whatever crisis you are dealing with has calmed down, I suggest, just the two of you take a few days away and reexamine the course in which you wish to proceed with your relationship.

This, however, delish is based solely on my experience in dealing with my wife and other subs, not you, so if it doesn't make sense, feel free to ignore it.

[Ozme52]

He is wonderful, compassionate and supportive. But I got the feeling yesterday that I don't want to do these things for him... I want to do them for me. I want me to be my priority.

Do you all just think I am horrible now?

Take your time and don't rush to any conclusions. Stress in other parts of your life can lead to loss of clarity.

And after a while, if the desire to submit doesn't return... maybe you're more dominant...or a switch... or just need a 'time-out' once in a while.

If you leave the lifestyle all together, you'll likely discover you miss it all too soon... and getting back might be more difficult the second time around.

[jeanne]

Stress in other parts of your life can lead to loss of clarity.

I have direct experience of this. Please PM me delish if you'd like to talk.

jeanne

[delish]

Thank you all so much for your replies to my somewhat dramatic (maybe overly so) posting. I must admit that I feel slightly embarrassed over it- I can almost see myself flouncing as I say the final words, a soft but marked whine to my tone. That being said, Demon Dom- truly fantastic response. I'm grateful all of you told me to calm down, more or less.

I got up the courage to mention it to him. Here's how I phrased it, after having some time to think it over: If I am serving/submitting because I really don't feel capable of facing life without his guidance, then in truth, I'm giving him nothing. He thinks it's a positive thing, and we're discussing how much I'd like to step away from the lifestyle interactions. This is hard for me to do.

We also figured out that my issues with sexuality may be tied directly into self-worth and I may be having problems with intimacy, or I may need to rebuild our intimate connection before we build walls. I get a great deal of leeway anyway because he doesn't want a TPE, he wants it to be 51%/49%, which implies more of a partnership than a traditional submissive would like. I also get leeway because I have problems with anxiety and depression. Giving up more control is going to be very hard for him, but he'll do it. He suggests this will make me a better, more interesting submissive, and I hope he's right. I'm just afraid I'll find out that I'm not submissive anymore and we're no longer sexually compadible... I don't know. I just wanted to thank you all, though.

I'll probably respond with more long-windedness after sleep- but I am calmer now. (Oh, and he totally does the breathing thing with me any time I get worked up at all.)

[skp2bear]

How is your thyroid hormone level? This may be an underlying cause and it's onset is slow and insideous.

[Flaming_Redhead]

If I am serving/submitting because I really don't feel capable of facing life without his guidance, then in truth, I'm giving him nothing.

I'm having a hard time understanding how you came to this realization. If you honestly feel that his guidance makes your life substantially better, what's the problem? There is nothing wrong with needing him. Is your submission worthless because you benefit from it? Isn't that what power exchange is all about? You're giving him something he needs from you in exchange for what you need from him. I don't know if there's a person on this planet who can live his/her entire life in service to others while expecting absolutely nothing in return. We all get something out of it, or we wouldn't be here.

[MrDom]

Welcome to the forums

[delish]

I'm having a hard time understanding how you came to this realization. If you honestly feel that his guidance makes your life substantially better, what's the problem? There is nothing wrong with needing him. Is your submission worthless because you benefit from it? Isn't that what power exchange is all about? You're giving him something he needs from you in exchange for what you need from him. I don't know if there's a person on this planet who can live his/her entire life in service to others while expecting absolutely nothing in return. We all get something out of it, or we wouldn't be here.

There is nothing wrong with needing him, but there is something wrong with not knowing, on a core level, that I could do it without him if I had to. If I submit because I do not believe I can make these choices on my own, what power am I giving him? I know it works for some people, to not need that basic knowledge, and I am not disrespecting that choice at all, but in my life and my relationship- and possibly this holds true for others?- that seems like a cheap tactic to avoid facing life. I need to know I can do it myself, otherwise I am not giving up anything. Does that make any sense?

To submit means to defer authority. If I have no true sense of authority over myself to begin with, what am I deferring, exactly?

Submission means to give over one's self completely; but without a sense of self... am I giving anything of value, really?

I understand that the answers to these questions will vary based on one's school of thought. You might say that it's not my place to see myself- my own value, that it's his place... and that is no more or less valid than to say it's essential... but I think it also varies from submissive to submissive. I don't think I can be content or grow as a submissive without knowing that I am surrenduring to him, and not just being defeated by life and hiding behind him. This is a very personal statement. I'm not saying that anyone else is doing that. I'm just saying that it's become a focal point in my own life.

He has agreed to back off of the D/s aspect of our relationship while I sort myself out. He wants me to be stronger and has no doubt I'll return to submitting. I have a few doubts, but I can't focus on them right now.

jeanne, I keep meaning to drop you a note. I'm going to do that now!

Also, I have my hormone levels checked regularly and there is no problem with my thyroid.

I feel more comfortable with this choice, though it is totally scary. Ozme, I'm not walking away from the lifestyle entirely... we're just sort of picnicking nearby, so to speak. Walking away would be a huge mistake at this juncture, and it's not something I'm prepared to give up. I hope it's something I don't have to give up, but self-discovery is always a scary proposition because it's unknown.

I suppose this will allow me to appreciate his influence in my life more, as well. Yeah, I'm apprehensive, but doing nothing has certainly not helped me. I want to be better and stronger, and I want to do it for me. Only then, do I hope to be able to gift him with a better me.

Thank you all for the feedback. I'd really like to hear back regarding my thought process in this matter. I know I've said it's personal, but if it's a view that is unique to my person, then perhaps I need a new perspective. Does this make sense to you? Is it grossly offensive? I am open to any and all stances. Thank you again, especially for your patience.