vanilla relationship, but i NEED more!

Been with him for six years and i love him. I personally only discovered BDSM a year ago and was very happy to find a word for what i am and a way of expressing it, using it, exploring it and fulfilling myself. I kept it hidden from him for about 3 months but he discovered a dom that i was chatting to online and asked why i couldnt just come to him about, and he was right. I was worried i would scare him away. I showed him the "training of O" website and he didnt have much to say, its all very different for him. But the bulge in his pants told me it sparked something inside him. He has tried to dom me but its just, well not much at all. He is much more sexually immature than me and has no fantasies for himself so i am afraid he just doesnt know what to do, since he has not tapped into his dom side (that he may not even have). I have talked to him about my desires, but only about safe BDSM, i want more hardcore but if he cant handle the light stuff yet...i just dont know what to do cause i would never leave him but i dont trust myself when my biggest desire right now is soo unfulfilled.

Are you married? When he discovered you were talking to someone online, was he angry or jealous? (or both). I have a similar situation and can't really give any great words of wisdom...just try to keep plugging away at him and if he seemed aroused by "O", maybe there's hope?

good luck

Have you tried to show him the BDSM site, maybe you can try and see how he reacts. It may solve your problem.:dunno:

Might I suggest you join this site's Tasking area in order to possibly gain some insight into yourself? It's really pretty cool.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by brwneydgirl

Are you married? When he discovered you were talking to someone online, was he angry or jealous? (or both). I have a similar situation and can't really give any great words of wisdom...just try to keep plugging away at him and if he seemed aroused by "O", maybe there's hope?

good luck

---

He was angry, but it seemed like he was more upset that i couldnt go to him. I really didnt understand his reaction, i kinda wish is was jealousy. LOL

And no not married, but thats the next step in our relationship if we decide to go any further.

and i hope your right about there being hope :o

Quote:

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Originally Posted by oww-that-hurt

Might I suggest you join this site's Tasking area in order to possibly gain some insight into yourself? It's really pretty cool.

---

Well i didnt know anything about that. I originally came on here for the stories but i have found the forums very helpful. But tasking huh.....i will check it out

thank you :d

Quote:

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Originally Posted by naughty_rick

Have you tried to show him the BDSM site, maybe you can try and see how he reacts. It may solve your problem.:dunno:

---

I did have him read some of the stories i liked on here and same reaction: not much to say but a bulge in his pants....lol. So i dont know if he liked the BDSM stuff or just the fucking. But maybe i will try again. I just dont want to be bugging him or anything

Hi, Tony_K

I can do my best to help you as a couple.

shanghai65@y7mail.com

my sub had exactly the same problem before me, and it didnt end prettily. My honest (inexperienced) advice is to REALLY talk it over. and if a compromise cant be met, then either your relationship will fall apart, or you will eventually decide that being with him is better than sex, and you will be closer than ever. just my 2 cents :)

1) research wherever and however you can
2) find local communities - personal interaction is FAR better than online - and a semi-local dungeon by me offers tons of teaching and support groups
3) find online communities if all else fails
4) communicate openly and honestly and face your fears
5) trust...if that isn't there, nothing else will ever be

These may be re-ordered however you see fit :-)

Unfortunately, this is pretty common. A lot of people seem to discover BDSM, or at least learn to put a name to their desires, when involved in vanilla relationships.

Some times it works out. There are examples of couples who managed to make the switch (no pun intended), and I am sure you can find some on this site. But the reality is that a lot of time it doesn't. You just can't make someone kinky, if that isn't their natural inclination.

So absolutely I would suggest talking to your partner and sharing your desires. Maybe you will spark something within him. But.. you need to be ready to face the possibility that BDSM might not interest him in the slightest.

If that happens, you will have to decide what to do from here. Can you live with a vanilla relationship? Can you live without your partner? Can you come to a compromise between the two?

There are lots of people who maintain a vanilla real life relationship, and scratch their kink-itch with an online relationship. This could potentially work for you, but I would advise against doing it behind your partner's back. To me, that is akin to cheating, but that is only my opinion, your mileage may vary, yada yada yada.

I used to have a link to a great article written about this very thing... submissive women involved in relationships with vanilla men. Unfortunately the site doesn't seem to be around anymore as my bookmark took me someplace completely different.

I am sorry to be the one to throw a big bucket of reality on this situation, but I don't think being told "It will work out, keep trying!!" is all that helpful. I am really not a bitch. I swear.

FTR, I was involved in a vanilla relationship when I myself discovered BDSM. I was struggling with what to do when we ended up breaking up for other reasons. That opened up the possibility of finding a realtionship with someone who WAS kinky, and that is when I met my Master. I couldn't be happier.

Good luck, however it works out!

Yeah... and don't wish for him to have been jealous. Jealousy will limit your options and can break you apart. Openess creates opportunities, to share, to have different interests and friends, to communicate.

I suggest, if he seemed interested but you're not sure in what exactly... that you try taking vanilla activities to bdsm style venues. For example, if he (clearly) likes the fucking, how about teaching him about safe words and then tell him to use you anyway he wants, harder and harder, any oriface, until and unless you use the word.

Wrestle. He wins when he enters you and fucks you for five minutes while you resist... You win if you can keep him off and out for 30 minutes.

Do a role play. Try something that requires he discipline you over his knee or with a paddle. Or find a play with an appropriate scene, and rehearse.

Then come back and tell us all about it, the results, and we'll all figure out where to go from there. ;)

I had a moderately similar, but from the other end, situation. Simply enough, you do need to talk to him about it. If youve been together for 6 years, I believe that he will be willing to learn this, at least slightly, to make you happier. Do not under any circumstances even imply "well if you cant do it...." I know, patronizing and obvious, but still. Otherwise, Oz always has great advice and I agree fully. If you talk and he seems intrigued, might take a quick minute, I know the first thoughts into my head, the first time I saw anything BDSM were..."thats sick" ....lol kept looking though, and here I am. It takes a little bit with societies norms to accept it and appreciate it. but take time, talk to him and just...be patient, I am sure it will all work out. Ive been through rockier situations with my girl now, and my ex. and...simply enough. you can find a way.

Good luck.

I can't add more to what has already been said, Toy_K. Except maybe, to please take it slow.

When your other half seems to cultivate a bulge in his pants when reading some BDSM stories, that is indeed positive.

Best thing is to first establish what exactly it is that exites your other half in the things he read while tenting his trousers, and maybe go from there.

A lot of people tend to cultivate fantasies, but are so afraid of xperimenting with those fantasies in the real world, in their relationship. Partly because maybe they are ashemed, or maybe because they are afraid that their partner will regard them as freaks.

So, when speaking openly about your desires, Toy_K, always lay the emphasis on your mutual love.

Visit some online stuff that handles about the psychological aspects of BDSM, or Sado-Masochism, to show your husband that having such feelings is pretty common. That's to take away the 'freak' aspect.

And, Like I said, take it slow. Be patient, and ask the same of your boyfriend. Rushing things can drive people apart.

I truly hope things will end up going smoothly, for the both of you.

What I wrote ain't much, but maybe it helped a bit ;)


JJ

I'm in a very similar situation with my fiance. His main balk is that he doesn't want to become an abuser (his own childhood speaking), but is willing to learn more and possibly explore. I'm really hoping to find information to open him up to the culture.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by JimmyJump

I can't add more to what has already been said, Toy_K. Except maybe, to please take it slow.

When your other half seems to cultivate a bulge in his pants when reading some BDSM stories, that is indeed positive.

Best thing is to first establish what exactly it is that exites your other half in the things he read while tenting his trousers, and maybe go from there.

A lot of people tend to cultivate fantasies, but are so afraid of xperimenting with those fantasies in the real world, in their relationship. Partly because maybe they are ashemed, or maybe because they are afraid that their partner will regard them as freaks.

So, when speaking openly about your desires, Toy_K, always lay the emphasis on your mutual love.

Visit some online stuff that handles about the psychological aspects of BDSM, or Sado-Masochism, to show your husband that having such feelings is pretty common. That's to take away the 'freak' aspect.

And, Like I said, take it slow. Be patient, and ask the same of your boyfriend. Rushing things can drive people apart.

I truly hope things will end up going smoothly, for the both of you.

What I wrote ain't much, but maybe it helped a bit ;)


JJ

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Thank you for your response, but i must claify a few things:
1. since sharing such delicate fantasies of mine i KNOW he would have no problems or apprehension for sharing his. I have expressed to him many times that i would do ANYTHING that he would like

2. we are not married

and finally a question:
I have been taking it slow....its been just short of a year since my little confession...so how slow is slow?

Quote:

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Originally Posted by StillLearning

I'm in a very similar situation with my fiance. His main balk is that he doesn't want to become an abuser (his own childhood speaking), but is willing to learn more and possibly explore. I'm really hoping to find information to open him up to the culture.

---

It can be very frustrating for us subs to ask to be dominated, in my opinion it kind of defeats the purpose. But i know exactly what you mean about the abuse thing. My boyfriend watches these videos about girls being strapped up and whipped til they are red and raw, who wouldnt think abuse. I try to explain to him the meaning behind the whipping, and show him other apects of play.

Thank you everyone for you wonderful advise!! I think we (my bf and i) have recently had a break through! He has been doing some exploring on his own, and lots of it. Watching and even recording videos he enjoys so he can share it with me and we can watch them together. He still cant articulate what turns him on exactly so that is the next step so i can start pleasing him the way he desires.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by toy_k

Thank you for your response, but i must claify a few things:
1. since sharing such delicate fantasies of mine i KNOW he would have no problems or apprehension for sharing his. I have expressed to him many times that i would do ANYTHING that he would like

---

Cool. But I've read there's a breakthrough.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by toy_k

2. we are not married

---

Sorry bout that.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by toy_k

and finally a question:
I have been taking it slow....its been just short of a year since my little confession...so how slow is slow?

---

Well, you could, in a subtle way indicate your impatience to get to the heart of what you'd like. But at the same time keep it slow while you go. Don't go from a mild spanking to directly drawing plans for a full fledged torture dungeon.

But since your boyfriend has gone to explore all by himself, maybe things will get to 'the next level' soon.:)


JJ

Update:
Well it seems my boyfreind is interested in BDSM/ D/s play. But there still seems to be a "snag" in making it work for us. I have some theories. Firstly, I am having a very hard time respecting him as a Dom. This may be because we are trying to go from a vanilla relationship (where i do tend to have the most control) to a D/s relationship. It may also be because of his inexperience/ knowledge about D/s play, and his lack of modivation to seek such knowledge via web, community, books, etc. This also tends to undermine he statements to me that he is "into it." Since this post i personally have discovered more of my...lets say niche or kink. It has been very hard for me to be honest with him about it for fear of rejection. But every time i have been honest he has been very receptive and even excited...but still it is always ME bringing the new ideas to the table. I really want to find out what HE likes. I mean, as a submissive, that is my prioity. I have shown him this site and told him of others like it, but he doesn't "have the time." He does. Believe me he does. HELP.....advise, please. I NEED this, he knows it, but what is stronger, love or needs?

It's exceptionally hard to create a dom out of vanilla clay, so to speak.

You really can't force him. Perhaps remind him he asked why you didn't come to him in the first place and point out that some of the fear was apathy, rather than rejection.

Have you discussed trying a role play, (i.e., doing something out of character)?
Have you discussed trying a new toy or scene, just in the bedroom?
Have you tried being naked on your knees, arms behind you, clasped as if bound, asking him to let you be of service?

And if you have done those things...

Have you discussed an open relationship?

For some people it takes A LOT of time to come to grips with this lifestyle. For example, I knew when I was a teenager that I was into BDSM and did a lot of research at that time. I actually overwhelmed myself and pushed my preference away. For 10 years, I spent time in vanilla relationships that didn't work out. Sex was a big part of that - my preferences kept nagging at me (annoying how that happens, isn't it?). I commend you - I never had the confidence to bring it up in any of my relationships.

After the last one, I decided that BDSM was officially for me (no matter how badly I wanted to fight it). Now I am revisiting this world with a partner in R/L. Despite the fact that we were into it years ago, we've been at it for 5 months and we are still only brushing the surface. In fact, He has only just started to spend a lot more time researching certain things - I think that's because it took Him a while to be confident in the fact that this is what we BOTH want.

It just takes time - time to learn, time to get comfortable with each other in this capacity and time to get confident in both of your abilities.

It could very well be a confidence problem. If he is new to this maybe he isn't confident enough in his understanding and ability to take the bull by the horns here. And maybe it seems so big that he doesn't know where to start, so he avoids all together? You admit that you are having a hard time submitting - is this coming out in the bedroom? Maybe that is undermining his progress. If you can't fully be in your "role" the maybe he can't either. If the other partner isn't fully into it, I can see how that would make anyone feel a bit foolish. Since you really want this to work, maybe you need to "fake it till you make it," so to speak.

Have you asked him, without pressuring him and not right before, during, or after sex, what he thinks the snag is all about?

Best wishes for success here :-)

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Ozme52

It's exceptionally hard to create a dom out of vanilla clay, so to speak.

You really can't force him. Perhaps remind him he asked why you didn't come to him in the first place and point out that some of the fear was apathy, rather than rejection.

Have you discussed trying a role play, (i.e., doing something out of character)?
Have you discussed trying a new toy or scene, just in the bedroom?
Have you tried being naked on your knees, arms behind you, clasped as if bound, asking him to let you be of service?

And if you have done those things...

Have you discussed an open relationship?

---

Thank You for the advise again! We have discussed roleplay only very recently. We have other restrictions: roommates. :madfire: They tend to be home ALL the time so we are restricted to the bed room and only at certain times....D/s play seems to be noisy ;) ; another reason for the inconsistency. I VERY much like your suggestion about asking him if i can be of service and i WILL give it a try...how can he resist...its perfect! The open relationship has been discussed only VERY breifly and not in a can-i-get-my-bdsm-itch-scratched sort of way. It was more about me playing with girls 'cause i like girls, and he understands that to an extent. I dont know if i would feel comfortable talking about it, but maybe it will have to come to that.

Thank You again Wizard :pray: ;)

Quote:

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Originally Posted by CuriousNYsub

For some people it takes A LOT of time to come to grips with this lifestyle. For example, I knew when I was a teenager that I was into BDSM and did a lot of research at that time. I actually overwhelmed myself and pushed my preference away. For 10 years, I spent time in vanilla relationships that didn't work out. Sex was a big part of that - my preferences kept nagging at me (annoying how that happens, isn't it?). I commend you - I never had the confidence to bring it up in any of my relationships.

After the last one, I decided that BDSM was officially for me (no matter how badly I wanted to fight it). Now I am revisiting this world with a partner in R/L. Despite the fact that we were into it years ago, we've been at it for 5 months and we are still only brushing the surface. In fact, He has only just started to spend a lot more time researching certain things - I think that's because it took Him a while to be confident in the fact that this is what we BOTH want.

It just takes time - time to learn, time to get comfortable with each other in this capacity and time to get confident in both of your abilities.

It could very well be a confidence problem. If he is new to this maybe he isn't confident enough in his understanding and ability to take the bull by the horns here. And maybe it seems so big that he doesn't know where to start, so he avoids all together? You admit that you are having a hard time submitting - is this coming out in the bedroom? Maybe that is undermining his progress. If you can't fully be in your "role" the maybe he can't either. If the other partner isn't fully into it, I can see how that would make anyone feel a bit foolish. Since you really want this to work, maybe you need to "fake it till you make it," so to speak.

Have you asked him, without pressuring him and not right before, during, or after sex, what he thinks the snag is all about?

Best wishes for success here :-)

---

Thank You very much for sharing....it is always nice to hear someones perspective. I think that he blames the snag on our living situation...which is probably a large contributor. This will change in about 6 months and i need hold out and see if it relieves the pressure. But i am having a VERY hard time being patient. It seems that i have been waiting for years because i have also had these feeling since childhood. I commend you as well for your patience, though i am sure it was frustrating.
I can understand that my partner may just be overwhelmed on how to get started, i would just like to see some sort of effort, it reinforces the fact that he is fine with and may even want this type of relationship. I have been very encouraging, talking to him without pressuring him, but it is getting very hard.

my 2p from my experience...

GUILT:
New Doms often feel very very guilty about the way they wish to treat women, afterall theyve often be fed the essentials of good manners, being polite company and the how to of disney relationships.... no one tells you that sometimes a female subby wants you to tell her to get on all fours and bare her intimates while you ruler her ass and that theres a time and place where that is ok! so you may be battling guilt and considerate male manners.

Confidence feeds Confidence...
Also you have to let him Dom, confidence inspires confidence, but getting that started requires him to be able to trust you to do what he says, if you try to misinterpret, sidestep, resist, successfully free yourself, etc., youre undermining him and sending him mixed messages... and he'll be thinking: she told me she wants commands so Im giving and shes avoiding them... does she not really want them? is she just doing this for me? back to guilt and manners.

Guilt 2! the ugly return of:
Also be prepared for guilt related Dom Drop, this is where youve had a had cracking night, hes spanked you hard, bruised you in places, tied you to stuff and had his way with you. then in the morning wakes up and thinks... what ive done is what bad people do, and its illegal.... OMG what have I done. Conscience jumps in and he stops believing that you could have enjoyed it too, and ends up on a moralistic downward spiral. this is when you have to step in and reassure him that he wasnt the only one to enjoy it, I find that morning after feedback really helps, if its positive (dont be gushy just realistic, shy is always nice too) it can help build his confidence too and reassure him hes allowed to enjoy you.

hope that helps a bit

U.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by toy_k

The open relationship has been discussed only VERY breifly and not in a can-i-get-my-bdsm-itch-scratched sort of way. It was more about me playing with girls 'cause i like girls, and he understands that to an extent. I dont know if i would feel comfortable talking about it, but maybe it will have to come to that.

---

Would you be comfortable with a Domme, then...(and I guess, would he?) if you did open your relationship?

Have you checked into there being any BDSM groups in your area that have luncheons and such? That may be a place for some face-to-face conversations.

Everything that UTburd said. And most of it is true for women dommes, not just doms.

I think one thing that has really helped me feel more comfortable with myself, as a new domme, is education. I have to know how far I can go when we are playing, I am not comfortable figuring it out as we go along. (for instance- how long can I cut off the circulation to xyz body part? How deep of a indent can make into his skin before I might draw blood? What does it feel like when I pinch his cock here vs there?). obviously some of this learning is "hands on", but if I felt like I was just supposed to show up in a leather outfit and a bunch of rope and a whip, and act out a porn movie, I would freak the *&^ out.

I also agree with previous suggestions that you present yourself to him (whoever him is, whenver the time comes), and simply BE the submissive.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Utburd

my 2p from my experience...

GUILT:
New Doms often feel very very guilty about the way they wish to treat women, afterall theyve often be fed the essentials of good manners, being polite company and the how to of disney relationships.... no one tells you that sometimes a female subby wants you to tell her to get on all fours and bare her intimates while you ruler her ass and that theres a time and place where that is ok! so you may be battling guilt and considerate male manners.

Confidence feeds Confidence...
Also you have to let him Dom, confidence inspires confidence, but getting that started requires him to be able to trust you to do what he says, if you try to misinterpret, sidestep, resist, successfully free yourself, etc., youre undermining him and sending him mixed messages... and he'll be thinking: she told me she wants commands so Im giving and shes avoiding them... does she not really want them? is she just doing this for me? back to guilt and manners.

Guilt 2! the ugly return of:
Also be prepared for guilt related Dom Drop, this is where youve had a had cracking night, hes spanked you hard, bruised you in places, tied you to stuff and had his way with you. then in the morning wakes up and thinks... what ive done is what bad people do, and its illegal.... OMG what have I done. Conscience jumps in and he stops believing that you could have enjoyed it too, and ends up on a moralistic downward spiral. this is when you have to step in and reassure him that he wasnt the only one to enjoy it, I find that morning after feedback really helps, if its positive (dont be gushy just realistic, shy is always nice too) it can help build his confidence too and reassure him hes allowed to enjoy you.

hope that helps a bit

U.

---

Thank you for your pennies. I have talked to him about whether he feels this is abusive, or degrading and if he is uncomfortable with it, but he has not expressed these concerns. I am only worried that he doesnt believe that you should do certain things to someone you love, so there is a limit for him. I will respect that because i have my limits too.

Your middle section on confidence IS where I need to focus. I cannot expect instant results and i DO need to let him get a feel without pressure. Thank You for your input....it will help.

But as far as apprehension because he is worried about abusing me or doing something wrong, something taboo, i do not believe that is an issue for us.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by brwneydgirl

Would you be comfortable with a Domme, then...(and I guess, would he?) if you did open your relationship?

---

I actually have had this conversation, sort of. I asked how he would feel about asking a Domme to come help us ....together. I did not get a solid answer and have not pushed it. I have not discussed seeing a Domme on my own and am scared to do so. Talking about an open relationship with him i feel would make him feel inadequate or unsatisfying. But this is me assuming. But I dont want to make him feel poorly. How can i talk to him delicately?

Quote:

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Originally Posted by oww-that-hurt

Have you checked into there being any BDSM groups in your area that have luncheons and such? That may be a place for some face-to-face conversations.

---

We have looked but most clubs are 21+ and he is only 20....i would LOVE to go, but i am afraid i could not go without him. There is one group that meets that he can go to but it is schedule conflicting. We are both busy college students

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Utburd

my 2p from my experience...

GUILT:
New Doms often feel very very guilty about the way they wish to treat women, afterall theyve often be fed the essentials of good manners, being polite company and the how to of disney relationships.... no one tells you that sometimes a female subby wants you to tell her to get on all fours and bare her intimates while you ruler her ass and that theres a time and place where that is ok! so you may be battling guilt and considerate male manners.

Confidence feeds Confidence...
Also you have to let him Dom, confidence inspires confidence, but getting that started requires him to be able to trust you to do what he says, if you try to misinterpret, sidestep, resist, successfully free yourself, etc., youre undermining him and sending him mixed messages... and he'll be thinking: she told me she wants commands so Im giving and shes avoiding them... does she not really want them? is she just doing this for me? back to guilt and manners.

---

Wow... i have been stabbed in the heart by this post. i just posted about 30 min ago a question about me feeling bad that i want more from Master... that He seems too nice and not wanting to hurt me and not trusting me when i say "it's OK!" and trying to pull it out of him by riling him up with taunts from time to time. :icon277: i really feel bad now, because in the end He is an absolutely amazing Master and i couldn't find anyone better for me. (i just wish his "kindness" were a little more "harsh" if that makes sense...) :(

Quote:

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Originally Posted by StillLearning

I'm in a very similar situation with my fiance. His main balk is that he doesn't want to become an abuser (his own childhood speaking), but is willing to learn more and possibly explore. I'm really hoping to find information to open him up to the culture.

---

That is what I am often afraid of, I don't want to let my dominance turn into aggression which could turns into abuse. I am a compassionate person and very loving, I love my sub very deeply.

I agree with you Nox.

Toy, it seems this kind of question comes up often on the forums. It is great to see someone really taking the steps to communicate with their partner. There is a lot of good advice on here. I hope you keep us updated and it continues to go well.

regards.