Dating 'vanilla'

[jeanne]

Since I'm in the process of ending my marriage (finally, should have done it years ago rather than hanging on thinking I could 'fix' my husband and 'make' him happy...but I digress...) I have been asked out by vanilla gentlemen on several occasions. I find myself thinking "why bother". I am becoming a poly submissive...and I refuse to try to be something I'm not (monogamous vanilla) anymore! For those of you who are single and either Dom or sub...do you date 'vanilla'? And if you do, how does that work? Do you at some point tell the other person who you really are, or just keep it to yourself and get those needs met elsewhere?

[leah06]

I keep swearing off vanilla dating, but I'm weak, and when people offer to fix me up it's hard to say no. I have a date in about two hours, in fact. I should really learn from the past, though, because what happens is I'm with a perfectly nice guy that I have a lot in common with, and I wind up feeling worse and worse because I know that no one will get what they truly want from the relationship.

I never, ever, ever tell.

[SubmissiveDoll]

I've dated vanilla a lot. No it doesn't make me happy, never did. But, how do you know this guy is vanilla? Have you talked to him about it? I just want to make sure you haven't assumed. My best friend of 7 years was a Dom, and I had no idea. He didn't know I was a sub. We never talked about that part of our lives. We talk about it all the time now, I'm wearing His collar.

It's not something you wanna bring up on a first date or anything, but it's worth it to find out. To top that off, go on a date with the guy! It's good for you to get out and enjoy yourself. Get dressed up and have some fun. Even if it's not going to turn out to be a life long relationship, why deny yourself some fun and enjoyment?

[blythe spirit]

There's nothing wrong with dating vanilla in my opinion. I do it frequently; however, it ends with a hug and a thank you at the door. Like Doll said, it's good to get out for an evening of fun. I date different men for different reasons, one enjoys dances, another enjoys the theatre, one other loves to go to flea markets, and still another loves four-wheeling. If I could put them all together and add "loves to dominate and get kinky," I'd be thoroughly happy. hehe

Whilst I've thrown extremely subtle hints and tried to pick their brain to see if they are or could be potential Doms, I've never had the nerve to come right out and ask any of them if they would enjoy dominating a woman.

One of them, however, knows my preferences, I'm sure.

The outdoorsman, with whom I have great arguments, has called me a "spoiled brat" and said "you need a good spanking." Whilst I've nodded vehemently, it's never happened. lol

I'm guessing the dates will always end with a hug at the door, but at least I've had great fun.

[DowntownAmber]

A date doesn't mean you're committed to a monogamous vanilla relationship - it's simply a few hours out of your life to get to know someone. If the person in question is in some way offensive to you that's one thing, but if you think they may be a nice person then I wouldn't turn them down based simply on the assumption that they are or are not a certain way. How do you know they're vanilla? And even if they are, how do you know you still wouldn't like to have them as just a friend or an occasional coffee date?

If you're uncomfortable calling it a "date" for fear of giving the wrong impression (i.e. that you're sexually attracted to them or want a committed relationship), then there's certainly nothing wrong with saying, "just so we're clear I'm not ready to date or be in a relationship right now, but if you're interested in getting to know each other over lunch that would be nice."

The majority of my friends aren't privy to my sub side, and that's perfectly okay - I still am glad I know them and have them as friends. Those that are "in the know" were introduced to that side of me over time. Same thing with lovers - over time as trust was built. J and I didn't start out as a D/s couple, we evolved to where we are and are still growing. Thank goodness for that, had either one of us dismissed the other right off the bat because we assumed we wouldn't find what we were looking for we would have missed out on something spectacular.

[cadence]

The only person I have really ever dated was my boyfriend and that was twenty years ago.
When he decides he's leaving for good, I don't know if I would even know how to begin dating again.
I have been thinking about dating and how to go about it more often lately, since it does seem that my boyfriend has made up his mind about moving away.
I don't even know if I'd want to date, and I am with jeanne on the whole why bother, if you know it's not going to be what you are looking for anyway.
As for my Master, I don't know how things will progress between us in the future, as I am the second submissive in his life, but I am happy with that and it is definately something I would like to continue.
I know that poly is more to my liking and it's something I prefer over being monogamous.
I think that for me when I am alone, I'll be seeking out more people who are not vanilla and taking it from there.

As for dating well for me it's going out with someone who you may want to continue a longer relationship with. I don't even know if I could randomly date men because they had some sort of compatibility with me.
There might be a man who is seemingly vanilla, but turns out to be Dominant, however I wouldn't want to start dating and in the long run try to find out.
I want to date someone I know is Dominant first and compatible with me on other levels second.

[SubmissiveDoll]

I'm the opposite of Cadence on this one. I'd rather know I'm compatible with him in vanilla areas and then worry about the BDSM. I'm a sub, and happy that way. I fell in love with my Master before I had any idea he was a Dom. Yeah it worked out, but I would love him either way. BDSM is a big part of our lives, but it's not the only part. I need to know that even if the BDSM part of us was gone, I'd still be madly in love with my best friend. Nothing will ever come before that.

[tessa]

I have been asked out by vanilla gentlemen on several occasions. I find myself thinking "why bother".

Are you absolutely sure they're vanilla gentlemen? Might be a surprise or two waiting for you somewhere.

One date, if some chemistry is there to begin with, wouldn't be such an issue, would it?

Just please remember to deet me all up, chickie.

[leah06]

There's nothing wrong with dating vanilla in my opinion. I do it frequently; however, it ends with a hug and a thank you at the door. Like Doll said, it's good to get out for an evening of fun. I date different men for different reasons, one enjoys dances, another enjoys the theatre, one other loves to go to flea markets, and still another loves four-wheeling.

* * *

I'm guessing the dates will always end with a hug at the door, but at least I've had great fun.

I'd LOVE to date like this, but the men I meet seem to want to head toward a "relationship" and, understandably, believe that if I see them regularly for a few months then that's where we're going. They interpret all that hugging as me being an old-fashioned girl - although, to be fair, I do tend to comply with the general, very slow, sexual dance that they perform. We move from the hugging to the kissing to the touching - VERY SLOWLY - and all I want to know is, well, you know.

But you know what bugs me the most about vanilla dating? It happened to me just now and then I realized that it happens on all vanilla dates that I've been on, and this, Virginia, is how I know that the men are not closet Doms - they can't take a stand on anything. They make me responsible for every decision. Now, I am not looking for someone to order me to my knees on the first date (mostly) - but I really don't care what table we sit at, or if the restaurant is too loud, or if it's too windy outside. I say, this is fine with me unless you're uncomfortable, and they say, oh no I'm fine, and then two minutes later they're whining, and they need my permission to change tables, or restaurants, or locations or whatever, and sometimes they need me to facilitate it, too.

This is the annoying part of my sub side - I do want to please people, and I am competent, and if you're uncomfortable then I actually can't be comfortable myself - so we spend FOREVER, not negotiating, but with me trying to tease out what would make him happy, and then making it happen, and it's just these petty things that, frankly, I wouldn't mind doing if I were just told to do it, but all that back and forth makes me CRAZY.

Today I wound up, after more nonsense than I can tell you about whether the table was right, the restaurant was right, etc., etc., just like dating Goldilocks - we were waiting again for a table because the first one was not OK - anyway, I wound up walking a few blocks to another restaurant to scout whether it was quieter, while he waited for the table at restaurant 1. And during that walk I realized that this happens to me on vanilla dates ALL THE TIME. I think I mentioned that I attract passive men - but in a weird karmic sense, as all of these dates are fix-ups and I've never met the men beforehand. And some of them I have seen for quite a while, and this dynamic makes me nuts.

[tessa]

An additional thought...

If you don't pick up those Dominant vibes on that first date...

Run! Run, Forrest, run!!!

[cadence]

I feel like I am missing something here.

The whole reason my relationship has gone in a different direction is related to my submissive side and sex. We have both realized that we want different things and we feel it's best to part ways. We are not leaving on bad terms and we will still be friends. We just want different things.
I think the world of my boyfriend and only want the best things for him. I doubt that I can provide what he wants either.

If I wanted to start dating again, I seriously would rather start dating someone who I know is Dominant rather than try and figure it out months later.
I find that dating someone, getting to know them and enjoying thier company would be kind of dumb, considering that I'll now drop a bomb and tell you I am submissive and I want you to slap me around during sex and humiliate me. I also want to be a service submissive and do everything for you, but you have to appreciate it in a D/s sense. Sure they may be Dominant by chance, but I doubt that the odds would be in my favour.

This isn't the same as being with someone because we both enjoy golfing and the symphony.
The whole point of me being single again is to experience a side of me that I want to experience.
I'm pretty sure that there are Dominants out there who would be compatible with me kinky and vanilla.

[WyldWyl]

Well, I wouldn't go out on a date with someone unless I had opened up to them about me in three relevant areas.

If I intended to say yes to a request, and I do get them, my usual response will be something like this.

"I'm not going to say yes or no. I want to tell you three things about myself, and if, after hearing them, you're still want to ask me out, then I'll answer. First thing- I'm queer. Second thing- I'm poly. Third thing- I'm kinky."

And if they're still happy to ask me out, then fine- vanilla or not, they're clearly worth the time

[leah06]

[QUOTE=cadence;752104]I find that dating someone, getting to know them and enjoying thier company would be kind of dumb, considering that I'll now drop a bomb and tell you I am submissive and I want you to slap me around during sex and humiliate me. I also want to be a service submissive and do everything for you, but you have to appreciate it in a D/s sense. Sure they may be Dominant by chance, but I doubt that the odds would be in my favour. [QUOTE]

I agree. And they'll all tell you that they are, guess what, Dominant. I don't reveal my desires to men that I date, but I have corresponded with men on CL who've posted interesting vanilla ads, and I've been pretty straightforward with them about what I'm looking for. And you know what? Every single one's response was pretty much, Whoa, that's HOT! But that's just because they think they get to be selfish in bed and make you clean the house too.

I'm feeling particularly bitchy today. Sorry. I think I've had too many new experiences this weekend and It. Does. Not. Compute.

[jeanne]

Thanks to everyone for your thoughtful responses! A couple of things struck me - mirror what I'm feeling...

I don't even know if I'd want to date, and I am with jeanne on the whole why bother, if you know it's not going to be what you are looking for anyway.

It may be that we don't 'know'...but I'd rather start out on a basis of knowing that at least he's a Dom.

I know that poly is more to my liking and it's something I prefer over being monogamous.
I think that for me when I am alone, I'll be seeking out more people who are not vanilla and taking it from there.

Yes. Ditto here. And don't you just think that at first it will be "yay, she fucks around, I can too, this rocks!" and then "geez, I think I might love this person" and finally "hey, I love you, isn't that what you were waiting for? Now you have to stop fucking around and only be with me."

Uh, no. No I don't. I didn't say "I'm poly until the right man comes along."

I just don't even want to go there.

I want to date someone I know is Dominant first and compatible with me on other levels second.

Absolutely. Thanks for saying it so plainly!

But you know what bugs me the most about vanilla dating? It happened to me just now and then I realized that it happens on all vanilla dates that I've been on, and this, Virginia, is how I know that the men are not closet Doms - they can't take a stand on anything.

I didn't quote your entire post, rachel - but this sums it up nicely! I have spent the last 24 years with a man who refused to make a decision. Refused to organize ANYTHING! I had to choose the night, pick the restaurant, make the reservation, find the sitter, choose his clothes and then pay the bill.

NEVER FUCKING AGAIN!!!!!

...they'll all tell you that they are, guess what, Dominant. I don't reveal my desires to men that I date, but I have corresponded with men on CL who've posted interesting vanilla ads, and I've been pretty straightforward with them about what I'm looking for. And you know what? Every single one's response was pretty much, Whoa, that's HOT! But that's just because they think they get to be selfish in bed and make you clean the house too.

I'm laughing...but it's because I think it's so true. I can just hear some supposedly Dom vanilla guy's brain exploding when he gets told by his 'sub' that she is not here to wash his dirty socks, clean his nasty house, and give him a BJ, all while he watches the game, drinks beer, and farts.

I'm feeling particularly bitchy today. Sorry. I think I've had too many new experiences this weekend and It. Does. Not. Compute.

Oh my God. Big ditto here!

Just please remember to deet me all up, chickie.

Oh darlin' you know I will!

[leah06]

Quote:
Originally Posted by rachel
I'm feeling particularly bitchy today. Sorry. I think I've had too many new experiences this weekend and It. Does. Not. Compute.


Oh my God. Big ditto here!

Oh, Jeanne, do tell?

[eVile]

I continue to date vanilla because I don't know many kinky folks. Of course my desires go much deeper than merely fucking but I take what I can get. I'm not at the stage yet where I can no longer get off from vanilla sex.

I do try to work in as much kink as I can. Just about every girl I've been with responds well to me "taking charge". Sometimes I'm able to get away with stuff like choking and face slapping.

I'm young enough that most of the girls I date aren't looking for commitment right away. Most of them are arty types who are open minded and willing to "try anything once". I still haven't turned anyone out yet but I've got my fingers crossed.

[jeanne]

Oh, Jeanne, do tell?

LOL!!

Let's see...went out with a kinky girlfriend Friday night, dinner and then dancing. That was an interesting experience - my first time 'out on the town' since I left my husband. So what happened? I got asked out on a date by a very distinguished gentleman at the restaurant...and then propositioned at the dance club...by some guy who gave me the creeps.

Then Saturday - lunch with my best friends, then the local munch for newbies, then home for a nap (up till 4 am) then off to a play party that was not my cup of tea. Younger crowd...and when I get interested in WoW, having babies, piercings and tattoos (milord likes my skin pristine), and stringy unwashed hair...I'll be sure to look them up.

So I'm exhausted...and kinda feeling just like you. Bitchy. But, on the bright side...I have a dinner date Tuesday night with a very elegant Dom I met at a party a few weeks ago...and lunch on Saturday with another Dom (younger than me I think, but a very deep smooth voice) that I met at that same party. So one of these days...I may get to have some time on my knees with someone I like and want to obey...and if not, I'll be seeing Milord in the late winter or early spring...and Him I'm compelled to submit to. Not just obey, but give all.

I sure do miss Him.

[blythe spirit]

I'd LOVE to date like this, but the men I meet seem to want to head toward a "relationship" and, understandably, believe that if I see them regularly for a few months then that's where we're going.

Today I wound up, after more nonsense than I can tell you about whether the table was right, the restaurant was right, etc., etc., just like dating Goldilocks - we were waiting again for a table because the first one was not OK - anyway, I wound up walking a few blocks to another restaurant to scout whether it was quieter, while he waited for the table at restaurant 1. And during that walk I realized that this happens to me on vanilla dates ALL THE TIME. I think I mentioned that I attract passive men - but in a weird karmic sense, as all of these dates are fix-ups and I've never met the men beforehand. And some of them I have seen for quite a while, and this dynamic makes me nuts.

I usually preface the "date" with "as friends only." If they think it will lead to more, than that's their problem! It's only natural for them to "try" but one look lets them know I meant what I said. They can either take it or leave it!

The type of men, of which you speak, drive me "nuts" too. When I encounter these types, I usually get rude and end the date quickly. On the other hand, if I play my submissive self and they think "this broad can't make a frickin' decision" lol, then they don't call back so, nothing is lost.

I feel like I am missing something here.

This isn't the same as being with someone because we both enjoy golfing and the symphony.

I don't think you're missing anything, cadence. Apparently, you date men with whom you have a common interest, much as I do - friends. In the interim, you're seeking the "one" with whom you wish to connect in a BDSM fashion.

What's wrong with that? One never knows what new "friend" might offer that which you seek.

[Pearlgem]

What's a 'date'?

[His_blizzard]

Although I am deeply mourning my Master (Dragon) I recently met a nice nilla guy that talked me into "hanging out" with him. I had resisted at first, but the first time we were together was the first night I didn't cry since Dragon passed away. I liked that. Since then we have had a few dates that I very much enjoyed. Yes,we have had delightful sex (I am a slut after all...lol) and it was better (and heathier) than the xanax I was taking to get me through the night.
I told him I was a submissive. I explained what that meant to me and discussed the relationship Dragon and I had as Master and sub as well as Husband and wife. I showed him a few of my more mild toys, and had him thumb through my copy of Screw the Roses. He was certainly not repulsed. He is fascinated.
I don't know if he has any Dom tendancies and at this time I truly do not care. I still serve him in as many ways as he is comfortable with, such as long slow oral sex and full body massages. He may never be able to break societies taboo and even so much as spank me, but that is okay. D/s was always more important to me than BDSM anyway.
I have to agree with rachel06 about nilla guys asking our opinion on every little thing, but they were raised to be respectful in that way even if it blows up in their faces. This is how I handle it. If my nilla guy asks what I want to do or where I want to eat, I consider answering that question as being obedient rather than being the "top". To me submission is doing whatever it takes to please the man and many men hate making those type of decisions. If I pick something he doesn't like he can either veto me or know better than to ask me the next time.
I am not ready to be a full submissive to a Dominant by any means yet, but I am lonely and missing male companionship. I think at this time nilla dating is just right for me. I can have a fun night out, feel desirable again and I can sneak in all kinds of service that is pleasing to him without being to blatent about it.
I told my nilla friend that although I wanted him to know this part of me, I did not expect him to be my Dominant. I am not even sure if I would like that right now. That was a part of me that is lying dormant, but my union with Master was so complete that if I never have it again I can live happily just on the memories.
And who knows? The last time we were talked, nilla guy suggested that when we are together again that maybe we try out those "leather things with the rings and stuff", lol, my restaints. There is hope....... "Peace" ~blizz~

[jeanne]

blizz - thanks for sharing! I know how much you loved your master. And sometimes, just having that chance to feel close to someone makes a huge difference.

Big hug for you!

[jeanne]

What's a 'date'?

LOL!!! I'm not really sure either, but I'll let you know what happens tomorrow.

[Flaming_Redhead]

I don't "do" vanilla anymore. I'm a full-fledged, dungeon-membership-card-carrying, kinky pervert. Of course, I still get hit on in bars all the time. I just look at them and grin. Then, I spout something off about being a dominatrix (I never tell them I'm a sub, and they wouldn't know what a switch is...unless it's on the wall....which is about the only thing they know how to turn on). It's quite obvious by the looks on their faces that they don't have a freakin' clue. I have absolutely no interest in getting to know a man romantically unless I already know he's dominant. Vanilla sex just doesn't cut it for me. It really never has since I've always been "disconnected" during the act and 99% of the time couldn't cum. Now that I know what I need, I refuse to go on dates with "normal" guys and try to explain what I'm into, only to discover that they think I'm sick. I also don't want to train a man. If I did, I'd be dating slaves. At least you can beat them when they don't get it right! *lol*

[caligirl{Rob}]

hugs to jeanne and blizz...is so wonderful to see happiness return to you both!

[fellintobed]

I date vanilla quite happily - as long as the vanilla person is non-monogamous and/or tolerant of my own non-monogamy. Right now I have a vanilla boyfriend of 3+ years, a real-life friend-with-kinky-benefits, and an online master. My boyfriend and I have based our relationship on the shared connections we do possess, alongside the freedom we grant each other to explore our individual passions, in and out of bed. This is not an easy way to conduct one's affairs (pun intended) and I wouldn't blithely recommend it, but it works for me.

[His_blizzard]

hugs to jeanne and blizz...is so wonderful to see happiness return to you both!

Thanks sweetie! Although it is still more of a "one day foward, two steps back" kinda life, I do smile more again and that is good.
I miss you! We need to chat. **HUG** to you and MR! ~blizz~

[jeanne]

What's a 'date'?

Here's my report, as promised:

My first date in 23+ years. Dinner. A nice meal, a nice restaurant. Even though he is a Dom and I am a sub, the majority of the conversation was standard 'getting to know you' stuff. We did talk a little bit about who we each are in the context of D/s, because after all, the goal was twofold - to get acquainted and see if we liked each other and to find out if we are a possible D/s 'match'. It was very pleasant and enjoyable, ending with a simple kiss on the cheek and small hug, and plans to have dinner again to further our acquaintance and talk more specifically about our D/s wants/needs.

No pressure, no uncomfortable 'clinch' at the end...I had a good time.

[blythe spirit]

Good on you Jeanne. But - ummmm - didn't you have a "date" with Oz? lol

[tessa]

Good on you Jeanne. But - ummmm - didn't you have a "date" with Oz? lol

In a manner of speaking, yes she did...and I got to hear all about it. Seriously yummy!

[blythe spirit]

In a manner of speaking, yes she did...and I got to hear all about it. Seriously yummy!

Thanks, tessa. Then I guess this wasn't her first date in 23 + years. lol