Married/online D/s?

[orchid]

i just want to add that i think there can easily be just as much real emotion attached to online relationships, phone relationships etc as there can be in real life ones

i think that it is a delicate balance that will be different for each person / couple

[maddie]

It is a delicate balance. It's very hard, sometimes, to know where the line is and it's easy to drift past it without noticing, even with the best of intentions.

[hugsnkisses]

This topic certainly strikes home for me. I struggle with it everyday. I am currently engaged to a wonderful man, who unfortunately does not share in my interest to the lifestyle. I have found myself more and more intrigued over the months, and having an increasing desire to learn more. I tell my fiance about everything, and even incorporate much of my play here into our bedroom in the form of stories. I am lucky in the sense that he is quite open minded and willing to experiment. However, I am a very open person and find myself becoming closer and closer to some people on this site. I always have in the back of my head, a concern that my fiance would not approve. I frequently ask him if he is still comfortable and do my best to keep everything open. At best, it's a very complicated situation!! Just thought I'd share

[Ozme52]

Curiousin....

Better to find out now just how appealing the lifestyle is to you... and how much he can commit to joining you in it... than to get married and be disappointed and feel stuck in a marriage you don't find fulfilling.

[Tojo]

Just what I was thinking Oz, that saves me trying to work out how to say it.

Be sure curious- be very sure. Marriage is not something to play around with.

That much I do know- I was married at 23, with the gut feeling that it wasn't going to work. It didn't & the scars are still there.




Tojo

[ElectricBadger]

When does it become cheating...for certain, it has nothing to do with physical penetration. Rape is not cheating, but there is sex. The emotional aspect, therefore, is the true essence of the thing; but betrayal likewise cannot happen when permitted, so those same feelings or actions, with the knowledge and approval of a spouse, are not illicit.

So to me, betrayal occurs when you act on an emotional connection that is in conflict with your relationship to your spouse.

Ultimately, however, everyone must settle their own accounts and decide what type of person they are, and what they need out of life, and find a way to reconcile those.

[Ozme52]

When does it become cheating...for certain, it has nothing to do with physical penetration. Rape is not cheating, but there is sex. The emotional aspect, therefore, is the true essence of the thing; but betrayal likewise cannot happen when permitted, so those same feelings or actions, with the knowledge and approval of a spouse, are not illicit.

So to me, betrayal occurs when you act on an emotional connection that is in conflict with your relationship to your spouse.

Ultimately, however, everyone must settle their own accounts and decide what type of person they are, and what they need out of life, and find a way to reconcile those.

I'm real strong in my agreement with that statement.

[_ID_]

I'm real strong in my agreement with that statement.

+1

[Warbaby1943]

Curious myself to hear of anyone's experiences- please let's not let this be spoilt by 'r/l is better' comments. I think that's what stops many people on forums talking about online relationships.

Is your marriage a happy one? Why do you do it? Would you leave your spouse for your D/s partner? Would you meet them in r/l? Is is cheating?
When does it become cheating?

Tojo

My question to those with spouses/partners who are unaware of this situation is: how would you feel if you knew your partner were doing the same things you are doing here or in IM?

Is my marriage a happy one. Yes.

Why do I do it? Because though my wife is a sexy and sensual woman she is not at all interested in anything kinky and I have been for some time now only never admitted it.

Would you leave your spouse for your D/s partner? I could not do that. There are too many other lives it would affect and devastate.

Would you meet them in r/l? In a heart beat. I dream of meeting Aussiegirl all the time but that is all it will ever be, just a dream.

Is is cheating? Technically I guess it is but it isn't hurting a thing even if my wife were to find out about it. It would be embarrassing yes but not earth shattering.

When does it become cheating? I guess at the time I would actually see her I would then know I was going to cheat because I know I would not be able to control my feelings for her if I could actually reach out and touch her.

question to those with spouses/partners who are unaware of this situation is: how would you feel if you knew your partner were doing the same things you are doing here or in IM? I would probably feel hurt but at the same time I would ask the question why was she looking else where. If at all possible I would remedy the situation. My wife on the other hand has had many opportunities to participate in BDSM activities but doesn't want to. I really think if she knew about this site she would have no problem with it. Even if she knew about Aussiegirl and knowing I would never be able to actually meet her, I think she would not be overly upset. Actually I have wanted to tell her for a long time but never got the courage and probably never will, to be perfectly honest.

In any case I do not intend to stop any of my activities here in this forum. I could never give Aussiegirl up even if I wanted to and I know I never will want that. I didn't set out to love her but I can't reverse that now. So if it is wrong, so be it. I am the one who will have to answer for any wrongs I commit and I can't see my love for her as being wrong in any way.

[Aussiegirl1]

Warbaby, your honesty really touches me, thank you.

I don't have a partner to have to consider, so that does tend to make things easier for me. However, I am very aware of the married status of both Tojo and Warbaby. In Tojo's case, I would not have even considered meeting him if his wife did not know about it.

Warbaby has explained his situation very well in the post above.

What I like, is the way that I see that they both still love and care for their wives very much. In fact, it only seems to make them happier people and I am sure that only makes their wives happy too.

[TomOfSweden]

So to me, betrayal occurs when you act on an emotional connection that is in conflict with your relationship to your spouse.

As far as I'm concearned I whole heartedly agree with this, but I would like to add one more thing. My ex-wife would consider it cheating if I would discuss our sex life in any way and in any form when she wasn't present. Even on an anonymous forum like this. Even though I thought she was a bit too touchy about it, I did respect her wishes. My point is that it's not really relevant what can be considered cheating by most people. The only thing that carries any weight is what your partner judges as cheating, no matter if your conscience is intact.

For me cheating is not an option. If I need to cheat, I also need to break up with her.

[Warbaby1943]

Warbaby, your honesty really touches me, thank you.

I don't have a partner to have to consider, so that does tend to make things easier for me. However, I am very aware of the married status of both Tojo and Warbaby. In Tojo's case, I would not have even considered meeting him if his wife did not know about it.

Warbaby has explained his situation very well in the post above.

What I like, is the way that I see that they both still love and care for their wives very much. In fact, it only seems to make them happier people and I am sure that only makes their wives happy too.

Sweetheart,

You are my sunshine and you do make me very happy. I don't ever want to lose you or the special feelings we share. My life has only gotten better since the day we met.

[StillBehindBlueEyes]

My question to those with spouses/partners who are unaware of this situation is: how would you feel if you knew your partner were doing the same things you are doing here or in IM?

I hope I don't sound judgemental because I really am not. Every situation is different. I'm here because the people in this forum are an open-minded bunch...hopefully me included!

.

First I’d slap him up side the head with a magazine (all right no I wouldn't, but I’d want too) and ask him.

Why did you belittle me when I shared my most intimate fantasy of this with you?

Why do you tell me you have a headache when I crawl up the bed and lick your thigh?

Why do you take any “please let’s try this” as a “Your not good enough.”

Why am I never good enough?

I could go on awhile but that is the basics.
I believe what I am doing here is keeping me from exploding. I know I’m guilty, but honestly I don’t feel guilty. I feel like this is the bandage for my marriage. I don’t harass him for sex, I don’t beg for hugs that are as satisfying as hugging a telephone pole. I'm waiting this period of our life out, and I hope I'm patient enough to win because in general this man is the best husband a woman could ask for, he's just in a stressfull, yucky period in his life.

It’s so hard not to judge. I do it myself everyday. I must admit in the last 5 years so many perceptions have changed. Who would ever believe that I would be come a prolific porn writer, an exhibitionist, and a person with so many wonderful friends I’ll never meet?

Sending Giggly hugs out in all directions.

[Warbaby1943]

First I’d slap him up side the head with a magazine (all right no I wouldn't, but I’d want too) and ask him.

Why did you belittle me when I shared my most intimate fantasy of this with you?

Why do you tell me you have a headache when I crawl up the bed and lick your thigh?

Why do you take any “please let’s try this” as a “Your not good enough.”

Why am I never good enough?

I could go on awhile but that is the basics.
I believe what I am doing here is keeping me from exploding. I know I’m guilty, but honestly I don’t feel guilty. I feel like this is the bandage for my marriage. I don’t harass him for sex, I don’t beg for hugs that are as satisfying as hugging a telephone pole. I'm waiting this period of our life out, and I hope I'm patient enough to win because in general this man is the best husband a woman could ask for, he's just in a stressfull, yucky period in his life.

It’s so hard not to judge. I do it myself everyday. I must admit in the last 5 years so many perceptions have changed. Who would ever believe that I would be come a prolific porn writer, an exhibitionist, and a person with so many wonderful friends I’ll never meet?

Sending Giggly hugs out in all directions.

Sbbe, I love your honesty and I agree with you that you need not feel guilty. Keep up all your trying with him and someday it will all work out, I'm sure.

[cookiecat]

sbbe & warbaby - thanks for your replies. i really hope i didn't come off as so judgemental when i originally posted the question; i know my feelings at the time i posted the question were affected by my experience.

being new here, it's very insightful to hear other experiences & other points of view & i appreciate the honesty.

everyone deserves love in their lives & how we choose to find love & nuture it is what makes us each different.

cookie

[StillBehindBlueEyes]

sbbe & warbaby - thanks for your replies. i really hope i didn't come off as so judgemental when i originally posted the question; i know my feelings at the time i posted the question were affected by my experience.

cookie

Thanks Cookie
I didn't feel judged. I did feel that maybe I could explain a little better what is going around in my head. I know I'm not the only one here in the same situation.

I'm finding that talking this out, seeing how people react is really helping me see with a clarity I had not been able to achieve on my own.

It is very strange to me that posting my most personal thoughts here for the world to see has made it possible for me to see my life a bit less emotionally. It’s amazing how you end up chasing your tail after awhile.

[Warbaby1943]

sbbe & warbaby - thanks for your replies. i really hope i didn't come off as so judgemental when i originally posted the question; i know my feelings at the time i posted the question were affected by my experience.

being new here, it's very insightful to hear other experiences & other points of view & i appreciate the honesty.

everyone deserves love in their lives & how we choose to find love & nuture it is what makes us each different.

cookie

cookie,

You have every right to your opinion and I only tried to answer it as honestly as I possibly could. I really didn't think of you as being judgmental at all. Again, it was your true and honest opinion as far as I was concerned.

I know 2 months ago I never would have believed I'd be in love with anyone on line but it happened. I also know that no matter what, I will never be willing to give up Aussiegirl unless she would request that I do so for her happiness.

I for one appreciated both yours and Tojo's questions. It gave me an opportunity to speak my mind on an excellent subject which we all should give serious consideration to.

Keep up the excellent posts is all I can say.

[Aussiegirl1]

I know 2 months ago I never would have believed I'd be in love with anyone on line but it happened. I also know that no matter what, I will never be willing to give up Aussiegirl unless she would request that I do so for her happiness.

Thanks honey,

I too have been amazed at the changes that this year has brought to me. I have never been happier.

[katie_21]

Aussiegirl and Tojo....GET A ROOM (LOL)

[frankee]

aussiegirl, Warbaby & Tojo,

i love how open and honest you all are about your relationship. i think it's wonderful

you're all very lucky to have found each other.

*hugs & kisses to all three*

[dzire2pleeze]

I find myself continually coming back to this post ....why? ~shrugs~ i have no idea. Several times now I have written and not posted, for various reasons. Therefore, I am answering only one question here.

Is it cheating? Cheating is defined as "deceiving" so if your significant other -online or in r/l - is unaware of what is going on ...to me, it's cheating.

Unfortunately, too many people want the best of both worlds. They know that if their significant other discovered what they were doing, either online or r/l, it wouldn't sit well with them, so they deceive. They want that "caribbean cruise" without having to pay for it. Maybe it's the only vacation they'll ever get.

Unfortunately, unless the significant other knows and gives their consent, you are leaving the door wide open for someone eventually getting hurt.

Online we have access to so many different people to whom we can become attracted. All offer us something. All fill a need. Relationships online have about as little a chance of survival as marriages in Hollywood.

I can only say for myself that if i am deceiving someone ...i am cheating...and the moment I am cheating, is the moment I have decided to deceive another.

So this time i'm posting and if it doesn't make sense to anyone else... oh well ... i just don't want to come back to this thread anymore.















When does it become cheating?

[Warbaby1943]

I find myself continually coming back to this post ....why? ~shrugs~ i have no idea. Several times now I have written and not posted, for various reasons. Therefore, I am answering only one question here.

Is it cheating? Cheating is defined as "deceiving" so if your significant other -online or in r/l - is unaware of what is going on ...to me, it's cheating.

Unfortunately, too many people want the best of both worlds. They know that if their significant other discovered what they were doing, either online or r/l, it wouldn't sit well with them, so they deceive. They want that "caribbean cruise" without having to pay for it. Maybe it's the only vacation they'll ever get.

Unfortunately, unless the significant other knows and gives their consent, you are leaving the door wide open for someone eventually getting hurt.

Online we have access to so many different people to whom we can become attracted. All offer us something. All fill a need. Relationships online have about as little a chance of survival as marriages in Hollywood.

I can only say for myself that if i am deceiving someone ...i am cheating...and the moment I am cheating, is the moment I have decided to deceive another.

So this time i'm posting and if it doesn't make sense to anyone else... oh well ... i just don't want to come back to this thread anymore.















When does it become cheating?

I guess we can rationalize anything any way we want. However, if I though for one moment that when my wife found out about me being in a forum like this or in a relationship with someone like I am that it would affect my marriage, I would give it up in a heart beat. I could never stop the love I feel for someone like Aussiegirl but that is something I would have to live with.

My wife knows from all the time I spend on the computer that something is going on. Hell she is in the other room right now and can hear all the keys I am pressing as I type. She has even asked me if I have a girlfriend on line and I have said yes. Which of course she chooses to not believe.

If it is cheating by any definition then I am willing to live with that on my conscience just for the opportunity and privilege to stay in contact with all here who have become such a large part of my life, especially Aussiegirl.

If anyone can't live with themselves because of an on line relationship then that is something they must personally deal with. Me I choose to keep Aussiegirl and all my other friends and not lie to my wife. I just don't volunteer any information she doesn't specifically ask for. If you define that as cheating, then so be it.

[mina]

Great post, d2p.

[dzire2pleeze]

Warbaby ... it's not my definition, it's defined by Webster and i have never even talked to the man, so i don't know if he knows what he's talking about. I was just posting what i feel in my heart sounds right in my head....i could care less how anyone else defines it.

What works for me doesn't work for you and what works for you doesn't work for someone else....see...smiles. There is no one in this world we have to answer to, but our own conscience.

I think you know me better ...the only finger i point is at myself.

Anyway, you told your wife, so it's not cheating ...giggles ...so what are you hollering at me about????

"Everytime I try to get out, they pull me back in" (think that's a quote from the Godfather).

~blows you a kiss~



P.S. thanks mina ~hugggggs~

[Warbaby1943]

Warbaby ... it's not my definition, it's defined by Webster and i don't even know the man, so i don't know if he knows what he's talking about. I was just posting what i feel in my heart feels right and there was a reason for it....i could care less how anyone else defines it. just venting, sweetie.

I think you know me better ....i don't point fingers at anyone, unless i'm pointing it at myself.

kiss... hug

d2p sorry if you thought I was attacking you, I wasn't. I was just expressing an opinion that in my heart I too feel is right, at least for me, and yes I do know you better and never would think of you in any light but brilliant. I think one of the greatest things this forum has to offer is that of differing opinions yet mostly expressed in a caring manner. I guess when it gets down to it, I too was venting. Still friends, I sincerely hope.

[fantassy]

I agree with you dzire. But more important than how I, or Webster, or even the person involved in the online relationship defines "cheating" is how the spouse would define cheating. A friend of mine divorced her husband when she discovered he had an online relationship. He had never spoken to the woman and have never met her. He promised to discontinue the relationship with the online woman he loved, but the damage was done, and he is now a divorced man. My friend felt she could no longer trust him. The deceit was cheating in her point of view.

fantassy

[dzire2pleeze]

Still friends, I sincerely hope

Are you kidding????? You're the bestest!!!!!!!

The deceit was cheating in her point of view.

See and her pov is what mattered in the end. ~big sighs~ I wonder if he had discussed it with her first, if things might have been different?

[fantassy]

See and her pov is what mattered in the end. ~big sighs~ I wonder if he had discussed it with her first, if things might have been different?[/COLOR]

Sighs, not sure. Once he started to get emotionally attached, she still probably would have objected, but I think, she would have still trusted him enough to stay with him when he promised to end the online relationship had he been open with her. Sad because they were both my friends and they have 3 small children.

[StillBehindBlueEyes]

Gosh isn’t it silly the way we let morality slip into a place all about hurting the one you lust after. Giggle. Honestly I’m tired of feeling bad, I don’t care if I’m guilty or innocent, (Ya giggle) I’m here to have fun and enjoy life.

I'm not going to worry that so and so got a divorce because they were intolerant. I’m just going to enjoy playing wildly and free in a way I’m not allowed to at home.

If I get caught so be it. I sinned, I’ll take the punishment. If he’s so intolerant, (shrug) his loss. If he won’t give me a kind word someone else will. I don’t want a divorce at this time in my life, but I do want someone to tell me I’m sexy, lovely, worth the effort. I feel that cyber is a much safer and kinder way to go about this. Might catch a virus but not an STD.

My advice is do what you have to, your partner is.

[fantassy]

[QUOTE=StillBehindBlueEyes;129068]I’m just going to enjoy playing wildly and free in a way I’m not allowed to at home. . . .
I do want someone to tell me I’m sexy, lovely, worth the effort. QUOTE]

And so you should, sbbe! Life is to be enjoyed. You deserve to be told you're sexy, lovely and worth the effort! Way to acknowledge the risk and GO FOR IT!!!

fantassy