How important is the BDSM element for you?

[phantasy_seeker]

How important is the BDSM element in a relationship, for you? Not necessarily the sex, mind you, but anything at all involved in it -- the feeling of control that your partner exudes, etc. Imagine yourself, single and available. Yet, if you were able to choose between two partners -- 1 who satisfied you completely where BDSM was concerned, but was somewhat lacking in good personality, and the other, who may or may not be open to BDSM but who was far, far better personality wise. Which would be more important to you? Or would you turn down anything less than perfect (and in my opinion, nobody in this world can ever be perfect)?

[Guest 91108]

hrm .. if i was single... i think a future partner would have to embrace BDSM .

[dynamicbuttler]

When I began my venture into the pursuit of the opposite sex, I knew certain things: First, I knew I was a romantic, with a great capacity to love. Secondly, I had some vague idea of what I was sexually- a submissive. However I thought it would be shallow to try to meet a partner based off sex. I believed a great personality was of foremost importance, and everything else was just icing on the cake. How naive I was! I eventually learned that sex was a form of love, not just something you do for a cheap thrill... I learned about how a couple's sexual dynamic really is at the heart of things. I learned that it was difficult to love a woman who wasn't dominant, because I simply am not attracted to little, cute, nice things. Without that imposing kind of presence, any girl is turned not only into a bore but into something I can't see as an object of worship. Seeing that my love is my worship and my submission, I began to realize that sex is at LEAST the second or third most important part of a serious romantic relationship.

If I had to choose between the perfect girl but she wasn't into this or was a sub, and my other option was a messed up, drugged up girl with some decency in her, I'd choose the imperfect one. I know some people will disagree but I believe the way a couple has sex is a reflection of how they do everything else. I want to be controlled and disciplined and kept subservient in the relationship, and a good relationship will have that for me sexually and otherwise. After all, in the end going for great sex isn't shallow. We may think it is, but giving in to your animal urges will only keep serious passion alive for longer. It'll only preserve love. How is that superficial or shallow?

[Rhabbi]

ok, this may sound like cheating, but in order to mesh with my personality there would have to be at least a bit of the sub in them. So as far as personality, I guess I look for the BDSM in a relationship.

[Dragon's muse]

Difficult to say since i am in a relationship that i have been in for nearly 15 years. He introduced to the world of BDSM. i do think that i would hold out for someone who had the total package --a person i honestly liked, loved and respected and gave me the control i need.

[ObeyMe]

There is without a doubt, no doubt, if I were to be single and looking, I would not even consider a non Lifer...UNLESS she were already into kink, and just needed that push.

I waited to damn long to find Myself, and wouldnt risk getting lost again.

But THANKFULLY......I'm not, and dont have to worry as I'm fortunate My wife became Mine..........now as for friends, Wwe arent really interested in non lifers either.

[joely]

Can't I have both? I mean, as long as I'm looking, why not?

[cadence]

If I were single I would definately not choose a vanilla relationship. I would be seeking out a D/s relationship and would not settle for just the play aspect of it either.

I also don't think that this lifestyle would run my life so much that I would find someone who could fulfill my needs, but their personality would be a problem. I don't think a relationship could survive that way anyhow.

If I was looking for a long term relationship, even if I shared a fondness for this lifestyle with someone else, I must also be able to live and grow with them. I would rather wait for someone who is compatible to me than just settle for whatever comes along at the time.

[dynamicbuttler]

obeyme, WTF? No friends who aren't into BDSM? That sounds to me like your little sex fantasy world IS your life, and that's just sad.

[gagged_Louise]

obeyme, WTF? No friends who aren't into BDSM? That sounds to me like your little sex fantasy world IS your life, and that's just sad.

Ahem, buttler - though his wording was a bit shortened I feel the point was more or less, he does have scene friends, and values them more than non-lifers (at least when it comes to parties and sex life). If not, the implication would be he has no friends at all, doesn't care, and is living totally socially secluded with his wife/slave.

[_ID_]

BDSM is very important to me. No, I dont have any friends outside the lifestyle. I like it that way. In my 'little sex fantasy' world. If my mate, my friends can't be into the lifestyle. Then they do not think like me, and are not compatible to me, therefore I don't want to hang around them, be apart of them.

[dynamicbuttler]

BDSM is very important to me. No, I dont have any friends outside the lifestyle. I like it that way. In my 'little sex fantasy' world. If my mate, my friends can't be into the lifestyle. Then they do not think like me, and are not compatible to me, therefore I don't want to hang around them, be apart of them.

Is it implied that a person's taste in music, books, television, movies, art, philosophy, politics, current events, etc. are molded by their sexual clique? Or is it just implied that these things aren't worth talking about, because all you care about is sex, s&m, d/s, etc.?

This is sounding more and more like a Cult object, and I have begun my boycott of the phrase "The Lifestyle." It seems to me that everyone who says "The Lifestyle" is stupid, crazy, full of shit or all three and totally oblivious to anything non-BDSM. I'm generally a very sexually tolerant person but I'd much rather talk to interesting vanilla friends then idiotic and uber-perverted BDSM ones, because weather or not my beer buddies enjoy bondage has little effect on our conversations.

I try to be supportive in general but to anyone who sees life as one big sexual venture, you're no better than "vanillas." In fact, there are plenty of interesting, productive and well spoken vanilla people that I enjoy my conversations with. They are my dear friends who I wouldn't trade for the world. I would hate for someone with an interest in BDSM to have their views jaded or distorted by immature people who live in a fantasy world and a cult.

I hope you'll forgive my bluntness, but this vanilla hating has gone too far. We CAN live alongside these people. They're not nazis and they're not a religion. They just get a little annoying sometimes and have a different but equally valid view on sex. And PS: We can substitute "The Lifestyle" for BDSM. It's shorter, and doesn't have the creepy cult stigma that makes you sound like a disillusioned drone.

[gagged_Louise]

I've cut the ties with quite a few people I knew when I was a kid (schoolmates, etc - don't we all, to some extent?) but this had nothing to do with my bdsm inclinations. It was, partly, because these people felt too drab, too clichéd in their talk, too much like we didn't share a language anymore, just one or two years after turning 18. Feeling kind of depressed and directionless around 16-17, when some of us form friendships that'll last a lifetime, also meant I missed out on getting really close to many of my college buddies, but looking back I can't say I would have wished those to be a part of my life. It was too uniform a crowd, it somehow lacked colourful plumage.

I got fed up with running into people saying "Duh, hon, what are you studying now?" or" Hey do you remember Pete, he was always so stylish/so nerdy/ so drunk/so clever?" Also I'm not comfortable with places and reunions where everybody's trying to outcool each other, and everybody's a wannabee glutting at the fandom door (and without having sensible knowledge of what they're into). That kind makes me feel stifled, so I turned my back on that crowd and left. I'm not an exclusive or haughty person and again, this has very little to do with my sexual life.

[gloombunny]

BDSM is essential to a relationship for me. I don't think I could love someone if I couldn't submit to them.

who satisfied you completely where BDSM was concerned, but was somewhat lacking in good personality

This is a contradiction.

[gloombunny]

dynamicbuttler, BDSM isn't just about sex. I agree with you other than that, though. ^_^

[Stone]

there is no way i could go vanilla i like the power i have the control the deepness of my relationship with my little slut. So i would go with the bdsm chcik that was lacking personality till i found one that did hehe

[dynamicbuttler]

dynamicbuttler, BDSM isn't just about sex. I agree with you other than that, though. ^_^

I never said BDSM was just about sex. What I did say, and will say it until my last dying breath, is that a practitioner of BDSM should have a life outside of his BDSM life. I know that if I were with a domme, I'd want to be treated as subservient and as a submissive, but I'd also care about her non-BDSM interests. I care about people's taste in music, books, TV and philosophy: Those things are important. But to some people, outside this culture there is nothing of interest. They live in a fantasy world, and it's pathetic. Why do people always think I'm being an ass when I'm just being realistic?

[cadence]

I don't know if I am going to be correct with this statement but I will give my two cents on this.
Even though people are into the "lifestyle" they must still live vanilla. They shop, work and interact with others on a daily basis.
Like gagged_Louise said, you tend to detach yourself from others because they just do not share the same things you do anymore.
People in this "lifestyle" will gravitate towards people who are involved as well. They share a common bond and understand each other better.
That is not to say that your vanilla friend you had since grade school cannot be in your life.
But as life goes on, everyone changes and evolves, as do friendships and relationships.
I think what people are trying to say is that even though they interact with vanillas on a daily basis, they are more inclined to make friends with people who share their interests in this lifestyle.
They more than likely do have friendships and interact with vanilla people, but in the long run, it is easier to keep and maintain a friendship with someone who shares a common bond.

[gloombunny]

I never said BDSM was just about sex.

But everything you say is based on that. The thread is about whether BDSM is important to a relationship, and your first post was all about how sex is important to a relationship. You refer to people who want BDSM as an overt presence in all parts of their lives as "seeing life as one big sexual venture". None of your posts make sense as you wrote them without the assumption that BDSM is strictly a sexual thing.

What I did say, and will say it until my last dying breath, is that a practitioner of BDSM should have a life outside of his BDSM life.

Now that I agree with. I can sort of understand the desire to have no "vanilla" friends - it sounds a lot like how I sometimes wish I lived somewhere where I wouldn't have to deal with straight people. I think a lot of people who are in some sort of minority demographic or niche subculture sometimes want things like that. But it's not really a good idea, any more than my Queer Island fantasy is. Limiting who you associate with based on a litmus test like that means missing out on a lot of good people, and doesn't really improve anything, because whether or not someone is worth being around just isn't related to things like that.

[phantasy_seeker]

Please, please don't turn this into a thread about 'lifers and non lifer friends'. If you must, perhaps a new topic would be nice?

No, Natalie, it isn't a contradiction. There are many aspects of personality that don't have any relation with BDSM, for me at least. Things such as bad habits, compulsions, etc. I really don't want to go into detail here, but it isn't about tiny 'imperfections' such as having smelly socks or not turning the toilet seat up.

I can see what the general response is, though, and I thank you. Indeed, I too always thought that I would never enter a relationship that did not have BDSM in it. Yet... sometimes I wonder if I overrate its importance. Would I rule out 90% of the population based on that point, and would I truly be happy if I ended up with someone who satisfied my sexual needs but made me unhappy otherwise?

[gloombunny]

No, Natalie, it isn't a contradiction. There are many aspects of personality that don't have any relation with BDSM, for me at least. Things such as bad habits, compulsions, etc. I really don't want to go into detail here, but it isn't about tiny 'imperfections' such as having smelly socks or not turning the toilet seat up.

Other way around. It's not that someone who satisfies me BDSM-wise won't have a bad personality, but rather that someone with a bad personality won't satisfy me BDSM-wise. Because it's not just about sex.

[J's blu]

ok the ORIGINAL question, as far as i can make out, said :
One person satisfies you BDSM wise but their personality is not perfect for you. The Other person, has the personality you want but MAY or MAYNOT be BDSM.
so, for me, YES i have to have BDSM in my life BUT i would rather go with the personality person and introduse them to BDSM. a person can always learn BDSM, but i fear you cannot learn to have a good personality.
and if the one i chose didnt go for BDSM in the long run, then i would just have to look again!

[_ID_]

That's utter bullshit. I'm a hardcore submissive, but anyone with that myopic and simplistic a world view is only worth their weight in food. Is it implied that a person's taste in music, books, television, movies, art, philosophy, politics, current events, etc. are molded by their sexual clique? Or is it just implied that these things aren't worth talking about, because all you care about is sex, s&m, d/s, etc.?

Its not bullshit. Its what I want. I have a diverse taste in music, in art, in books TV, politics, and quite up to date on current events thank you very much. I don't associate myself with people outside of BDSM if I don't have to, because I don't want to socialize with them. I don't want them as friends, I don't want them coming over to my house, and having to worry if they will ask questions about the suspension equipment in my living room. I don't make friends with them, because I don't want to. I talk about things other than s/m d/s etc with my lifestyle friends, but the conversation easily turns to BDSM and then back to current events or music or whatever. The flow of conversation never strained by an off color comment. To say my way is narrow minded, is in its self a rather judgmental and narrow minded way to think. I didn't say how you choose to live was wrong, and that your telling me my way is wrong is fucking hypocritical if I ever saw it.

[Guest 91108]

* Mod mode on *
Tone things down before they become a flame war ...
The thread has potential. take personal comment to PM.

[dynamicbuttler]

PS: I wrote that rant BEFORE u gacve the warning. i apologize

[~hellish one~]

PS: I wrote that rant BEFORE u gacve the warning. i apologize

and i'm sorry i had to delete it. honestly i am. everyone is entitled to their own point of view, but flaming will NOT be tolerated. belittling another person's beliefs is not acceptable. no one is against a friendly debate, but please...everyone keep your tempers in check and think before you hit that little "submit" button down there.

Thank you.

[cariad]

PS: I wrote that rant BEFORE u gacve the warning. i apologize

Dynamicbuttler, can you please also familiarise yourself with the forum rules.
They are all there for everyone's benefit, and we are all bound by them.

rules of the forum

cariad

[cariad]

How important is the BDSM element in a relationship, for you? Not necessarily the sex, mind you, but anything at all involved in it -- the feeling of control that your partner exudes, etc. Imagine yourself, single and available. Yet, if you were able to choose between two partners -- 1 who satisfied you completely where BDSM was concerned, but was somewhat lacking in good personality, and the other, who may or may not be open to BDSM but who was far, far better personality wise. Which would be more important to you? Or would you turn down anything less than perfect (and in my opinion, nobody in this world can ever be perfect)?

Returning to the original question. The dominance which I would seek in a partner would be part of his personality, it is not something which he could turn on and off, so it would not be possible for me to find someone whose personality was a good fit who was not dominant.

Perhaps more in the spirit of your question, if I could not have both I would not have either.

cariad

[pixie_dust]

It has taken so long for me to finally discover what was missing in my life, there is absolutely no way I could ever go back to living vanilla.

The majority of my adulthood has been so full of confusion, failed relationships, and a horrible sense of emptiness...why would I (or anyone) ever go back to that. BDSM (for me) is not just about the sexuality, it is in every part of my life. There's no possible way I could ever feel complete without it.

[TomOfSweden]

Most my friends aren't into BDSM, and since I don't plan on fucking them, it doesn't really matter. I make it no secret and everybody knows. My friends tend to send me any "perverted" porn they've stumbled across in the hopes that I'll like it. I always say thank you but... I think you need to be into the scene to really get it.

BDSM in relationships are critical for me though. I can't get a hard on if it's not D/s sex. Call me crazy, but I've been bent like this my whole life. Not that judgements made by my penis should be trusted at all times, but anyway.