Rhabbi, I really appreciate the respect that you have for the process and your subs and your ability to articulate it.

I believe that experience is a good teacher and partners can move the lines as they grow together. It can be tough sometimes when the sub wants so bad to please that they will do things beyond their limits. Too much, too fast can make for a bad drop and harm the trust between Top and bottom.

I use a questionnaire that I call the yes, no, maybe form. As the relationship develops over time, we set aside a safe place, outside of play, for us to revisit the questions to see if there are changes. With discussion and patience, maybe can become yes and some no's can become possible, too. I honor those no's that stay no's (and expect mine to be honored, as well).

There are also things in the yes and maybe columns that can become no's. I'm thinking of a partner who was okay with anal until we became really close and she allowed herself to feel more and opened herself to remembering her assault. For a long time, butt play was strictly off limits until she worked through the trauma in therapy. If I hadn't been aware of the changes in her body language, I could have pushed past her limits. If she hadn't felt safe enough to talk to me, we might never have learned what the trigger was.

Open and honest communication is the key.