True Doms Vs Play Doms

[sidhewolf]

In this discussion about true doms vs fake doms I get a feeling that the definition is different in degree for everybody.

But Rabbits idea that a true dom cares a lot about their subs enjoyment and safety I would definatly agree on would be the most important thing. Being mature, level headed and with a calm personality I also think would be on the list. Subs often look to me for answers, and I need to be able to give good guidance no matter what. Maybe it's just me but being a Dom is more responsibility than just cuddling once a scene is over.

I've got two examples of disastrous relationships. One was a very submissive girl. She obeyed me to the letter, often came with new advice on how to humiliate her and gave me torture implements as gifts all the time. Comunication wasn't the best and I was quite young then. I tried to press out from her what it was she felt and wanted but she always said that she lived for me and the whole fantasy submissive package. Off-course it ended up with her becoming depressed, and I felt worthless because she was depressed where it all ended up with her suddenly leaving/fleeing me without a word. Looking back I realise that there was probably not a lot I could have done in that situation. I should have been a lot more atentive but because of my lack of experience I just didn't know what to look for. That relationship was doomed from day one. I'm not saying it was her fault, I'm just saying that if a sub isn't so emotionally developed when it comes to her/his submissiveness and has a hard time speaking about their emotions they need a very experienced Master that can, (correctly spot and) tell her what she's feeling.

My second disaster relationship was a girl who had a really fucked up back-ground full of abuse and alcoholism both in her family and in her life and she was really fragile. Needless to say she was a submissive and I was a mature and experienced Master by that point. Her background meant that I was very atentive to her needs and I had no problems spotting her problems and needs. The relationship was great the first year. Once she felt safe with me she started to bloom as a personality and she started to become braver and happier. This is when things went bad. She started to assume that I always would look out for her so she started to stop listening to my orders and we started getting in lots of stupid arguments. This was when I realised that I had taken the role of her father, and at first she had emotionally been a little fragile girl and now she was a rebelious teenager. I was a lot older than her and I should have seen it comming a mile away. It took me a lot longer than it should for me to realise this. Her being very beautiful I think was what really blinded me. The whole thing was that she wasn't a 24/7 submissive really. It was mostly down to her having a very bad confidence in her self and once she'd built it up she wasn't really into 24/7 but rather just submissive play. Since we were still very much in love this led to endless conflicts, where my need to look after and care for a slave weren't met and her need to be indipendant clashed. So even though it was great at first it still turned to shit.

I hope these two true stories from my life can help somebody. My point being that just being a true Dominant isn't always enough. Things can still fuck up even if you have everything going for you and things look good from the start.

Hello All~
I Know this is a pretty old thread, but I have some thoughts and experience to share as well. Most of the responses here were very valid I think, and had some very good points to consider per the Topic Title. This Topic is also a very difficult and controversial one for many. It also spurs a lot of thought. I Chose this post for my response because it is so very True to my Heart.

Things Can go wrong irregardless of Knowledge, Experience, or Intent, because We are PPL First...and Noone is perfect. As PPL We make mistakes and miss-takes all the time.

Many Dominants, Submissives, and Switches (new or not), get hurt in this Style of Relating. No matter the precautions taken. No one, Dominant, Submissive, or Switch can think of or exactly calculate Every possible error in these things. I think that perhaps too much focus is placed on who is to blame for that, rather than What went wrong, Learning from it, and moving forward. Anyone (no matter who) can get depressed, turned off to, or squicked, by this Style of Relating, because of things that went awry. I've seen it happen with Dominants, Submissives, and Switches, who withdrew with a bad taste in their mouth. But I have rarely seen when it happens that things do go awry, thta it was just one persons fault. Most times it is the Top or Dominant who is blammed, or termed a wannabe, because things didn't go as planned, or hoped for, or as others thought they Should, by someone. And sympathy goes out most times to the Submissive crying foul. But as this posted response by Tom of Sweden shows, and as I have seen in my Real Life, Realisticly All Parties *share* in the Responsibility for these things. And when things go wrong Everyone hurts, Dominant, Submissive, Switches, all the same, and each in their own way. as shown in Ozme's response. Each Persons pain is relative to them!

We All have hopes, dreams, wants, and needs. And We persue these in the ways We can, hopefully Learning and Growing along the way. It helps Us All Greatly I think to pay close attention, and to follow closely and Listen to the Experienced Knowledgable Elders of whatever area's We Choose to persue in Life and Love. It also helps to take All things slowly and consider them well before gobbling them down, even when starving. And then blamming the person whose kitchen We ate from, when it was us who Chose to eat, and We enjoyed the food while eating. Too many times attention to detail is not given because We want or need something so badly. We ignore the signs that it may not be what We Really want or need. Sometimes We settle for what *seems* close enough....mistakenly. If there is to be blame for these things, must We not first look within to Our own errors, before going on a wannabe Dom/me, wannabe Submissive hunt?

Respectfully~SidheWolf