thanks for your caring reply, jeanne. i'm sorry to be so far down here. i thought i was doing fairly well, but i guess i'm not, at least at this part. it truly does feel like my heart is ripping out of my chest, though. i don't feel that i've been around long enough to beg this much support or knowledge from everyone. Thank you. i really want to fix it, but i'm afraid of what ...i don't know at this point what i'm afraid of exactly, other than losing the one that's meant the most to me...

how does one make up their mind to be submissive and fall short so often? what's wrong with me?

those, of course, are rhetorical, i know the WHAT...the HOW is where my problem lies. If you're meant to be Dom, it's easy to grasp. i feel like i'm meant to be submissive, but letting go of every aspect and allowing someone else to take the wheel on the big issues seems to be just beyond my reach. i can't seem to touch it every time...only some of the time. five weekends ruined.......by lil ole me. What a great certificate that would be. Certified in fucking it all up.