A very interesting topic and very brave of you for opening it up Flaming_Redhead, even if you didn't know this is where it was going to end up (like its often the case with our threads, lol).

Unlike most, I was very, very fortunate that I didn't have to go and search for the Master, we merely found each other (when I was still very young) and decided that D/s is the right fit for U/us. For many years we lived in a (sometimes hellish, sometimes heavenly) cocoon and when we were forced/ready to explore further, one of the consequences was me finding my way to the Library. I was amazed by how wonderful this place is and how welcoming, selfless and intelligent everyone was. But there was one underlying strain that made me so worked up with worry, He almost forbid me from continuing here. I am so glad He didn't, because this place has been very good for us, for opening topics for discussions, for awakening my awareness concerning things He wouldn't otherwise bring up.

Before we met He had already clocked up decades in this Lifestyle, acquired many skills, possess superior knowledge as to the under workings of human minds and there is very little He hasn't experienced for Himself - to say that He is more experianced than myself would be a gross understatement, thus I have early on learned to work through and grasp things that are not my thing. So when I came here, while not unexpected, I was a bit shocked even as I was amazed and curious about those who choose to surrender themselves completely. When I say "doormat" I usually say it in vanilla (dictionary) context, when it comes to bdsm - as long as the relationship is consensual, safe and loving (as in the example of Tom and his wife) - to me "doormat" is just another term of endearment, not unlike "slut". I am happy for them, I don't think of his wife as doormat, its simply something that works for them.

Even if I don't get something, I understand that it works for others, and am respectful of that and them. I cant explain nuances of my relationship with my husband to myself, let alone vocalize them to others - so it never occurred to me/I never felt the need to judge others or to go all evangelical about Our way, must be that pesky liberal spirit of mine, lol.

So what got me fretting (about myself) in the begging, though it was always just vaguely implied - is that if I keep a part of myself independent, if I don't end every sentence with Master, if I refuse to dress certain way, if I don't like to be called names, if I don't agree with everything He says, if I don't exhibit blind obedience ...that I am not true submissive (something, even if unintentionally, you implied here too). I knew I was submissive, but I got all worked up about not being "submissive enough", about not being "true submissive" - it makes me laugh these days, but at the time it wasn't a laughing matter. Luckily He is very good at "jerking my chain" and making sure I don't hang myself with it, while allowing me the freedom to be myself. I have no idea what "true submissive" is, if you do - please share it, but it still doesn't mean that it has to work for me, or that if it doesn't work for me, I am not true submissive.

Often its just semantics and labels - we lived 24/7 TPE lifestyle long before I got it that that is what we were doing; and short of making my Hubby wonder for a sec or two if His beautiful, intelligent wife was somehow replaced by a dimwitted clone, and making me worry about it for a few days - it changed absolutely nothing.

We may be doing the exact same thing submission wise, but just because I don't like labels does that make me less "true"; does me not referring to Him as my Owner, and disagreeing with that term, makes His possession any less and complete than of those who go around all day referring to themselves as slaves and "yes, siring" to just about everyone who says that they are dominant. I don't judge those who need or like that, because like denuseri said, there is always more than meets the eyes. But so is with those like myself - just because I am not blatantly submissive, or don't want or need to be taken care of, doesn't mean I am not "true".

I only submit to the One dominant enough to deal with myself, and He knows how to do that, if everyone else wants to label me "Domme bitch posing as sub" thats fine. He prefers me like that, nothing gives Him a bigger rush than the fact that He is the only one who commands submission from the one who submits to no one. Its not a play for Him, being like this isn't about enacting fantasies for us (not that those aren't nice, ), its the fact of the matter. It matters not by which name I refer to Him, because the meaning is always the same (you should hear the tone with which I say His name).

I admit, it took me a long time to admit that I needed Him, but that is a matter of trust and doesn't come overnight. The reason I don't like word "doormat" is because it denotes lack of worth and easiness with which one can be replaced. It also, to me, sounds cold and impersonal. After all, aren't we constantly reminded how little good Doms there are and how many subs are competing for their attention.

It is my neediness for Him that made me weary about admitting it to Him - to expose oneself, to give yourself like that, without assurance that that is what the other side wants, is to set up yourself for hurt, or even worse, abuse. Only when it became clear that I alone, and my submission, are of special importance to Him - I stopped holding back. Its not that I couldn't survive without Him, I could and very well at that, but it wouldn't be much of a living; and I didn't want Him to think I am a leach.

When at the end of the day He sits on the couch and I, unconsciously, gravitate to my place at His feet and He puts my head on His knees - that is the only thing I know to be "true".