A dangerous relationship?

[manda]

Yes I believe you can have an o/l relationship to explore bdsm (or your kinkier side) and maintain a vanilla r/l relationship. I have wrestled with this and have felt some guilt toward my r/l partner. After talking to others, the idea you must resolve is how (and if) your o/l relationship affects or detracts from your r/l relationship. Also you have to define what you consider cheating. I finally came to the conclusion that in an o/l relationship the touching is mental not physical, therefore I was not cheating. To many it's just a very creative form of masturbation. Only your conscience can decide how it works for you. My answer to this is I am happier and by exploring all aspects of my sexuality, I can enjoy all components of my love life.

[Ragoczy]

Yes I believe you can have an o/l relationship to explore bdsm (or your kinkier side) and maintain a vanilla r/l relationship. I have wrestled with this and have felt some guilt toward my r/l partner. After talking to others, the idea you must resolve is how (and if) your o/l relationship affects or detracts from your r/l relationship. Also you have to define what you consider cheating. I finally came to the conclusion that in an o/l relationship the touching is mental not physical, therefore I was not cheating. To many it's just a very creative form of masturbation. Only your conscience can decide how it works for you. My answer to this is I am happier and by exploring all aspects of my sexuality, I can enjoy all components of my love life.

What your partner thinks is cheating or how they feel it impacts the relationship is irrelevant?

[manda]

What your partner thinks is cheating or how they feel it impacts the relationship is irrelevant?

It is not irrelevent -but can you expect your partner to understand every aspect of your life and agree with you --No, there are parts of all of us that are private -even from those we love. I have 2 daughters --can I love both of them equally but differently with out detracting from our relationship? Yes I can and I can love 2 men without taking away from either one. It is 2 different relationships --2 different loves ---2 different needs that are fulfilled and being fulfilled. I do not lie to either partner --but neither do I give out details.

[DowntownAmber]

It is not irrelevent -but can you expect your partner to understand every aspect of your life and agree with you --

No, of course you can't. But shouldn't they have the option to decide? When did it become okay for one person in the relationship to dictate what the other "needs to know?"

I'm certainly no angel, I have gone through life committing more than my fair share of sins, and I have lied to avoid conflict and/or to get out of dangerous situations. However, in each of those situations the lies were meant to get me away from and out of an unhealthy situation, not to keep me in a thriving partnership.

No, there are parts of all of us that are private -even from those we love. I have 2 daughters --can I love both of them equally but differently with out detracting from our relationship? Yes I can and I can love 2 men without taking away from either one. It is 2 different relationships --2 different loves ---2 different needs that are fulfilled and being fulfilled. I do not lie to either partner --but neither do I give out details.

I always dislike when romantic relationships are compared to the ones we have with our children. Children we love and raise up with the understanding that we are preparing them to someday leave us and pursue independent lives. Our partners are just that: partners. We mature our relationships with them with the entirely opposite notion in mind. Not telling a partner about another one seems a little counterproductive to that premise.

I do agree with your "separate but equal" description of loving partners however, it can happen that way and I've certainly seen it. In all successful instances though, all partners were aware of each other.

And a lie by deliberate omission is still a lie. Somehow I can't imagine one partner being particularly soothed when he finds out about his BDSM counterpart and the response he gets is, "I didn't lie. You never specifically asked if I was engaging in submissive and sexual behavior with a Dominant man."

[Ragoczy]

It is not irrelevent -but can you expect your partner to understand every aspect of your life and agree with you --No, there are parts of all of us that are private -even from those we love. I have 2 daughters --can I love both of them equally but differently with out detracting from our relationship? Yes I can and I can love 2 men without taking away from either one. It is 2 different relationships --2 different loves ---2 different needs that are fulfilled and being fulfilled. I do not lie to either partner --but neither do I give out details.

Do either of your partners think you are monogamous with them?

[SnickerKitten]

It is not irrelevent -but can you expect your partner to understand every aspect of your life and agree with you --No, there are parts of all of us that are private -even from those we love. I have 2 daughters --can I love both of them equally but differently with out detracting from our relationship? Yes I can and I can love 2 men without taking away from either one. It is 2 different relationships --2 different loves ---2 different needs that are fulfilled and being fulfilled. I do not lie to either partner --but neither do I give out details.

First of all, I have two children and love them each very differently. However, they each KNOW about the other one. Now, granted, they don't get the right to consent to whether or not they have a sibling, but they've never been lied to that they are the only one. Not to mention, love and feelings for children are VERY different than the emotions one feels for a lover.

Are your partners each aware that there is another partner fulfilling needs that he can't? Then more power to you, and enjoy them all you can. If you found that either of them has another relationship would that be okay with you? If your real life relationship found out about your bdsm needs and wanted to fulfill those needs would you give up the online one?

Also, if you can't expect the partner that you are with in real life to be open to finding out who you are inside then what are you doing with them? There are portions of Ragoczy's personality and desires that I haven't an interest in and am more than happy to have him engage in on his own or with others, like kayaking. But I KNOW his personality inside and out and I ACCEPT his personality and wants and needs as part of him. Without that, what we have would not be what it is.

-kitten