Dating 'vanilla'

[leah06]

There's nothing wrong with dating vanilla in my opinion. I do it frequently; however, it ends with a hug and a thank you at the door. Like Doll said, it's good to get out for an evening of fun. I date different men for different reasons, one enjoys dances, another enjoys the theatre, one other loves to go to flea markets, and still another loves four-wheeling.

* * *

I'm guessing the dates will always end with a hug at the door, but at least I've had great fun.

I'd LOVE to date like this, but the men I meet seem to want to head toward a "relationship" and, understandably, believe that if I see them regularly for a few months then that's where we're going. They interpret all that hugging as me being an old-fashioned girl - although, to be fair, I do tend to comply with the general, very slow, sexual dance that they perform. We move from the hugging to the kissing to the touching - VERY SLOWLY - and all I want to know is, well, you know.

But you know what bugs me the most about vanilla dating? It happened to me just now and then I realized that it happens on all vanilla dates that I've been on, and this, Virginia, is how I know that the men are not closet Doms - they can't take a stand on anything. They make me responsible for every decision. Now, I am not looking for someone to order me to my knees on the first date (mostly) - but I really don't care what table we sit at, or if the restaurant is too loud, or if it's too windy outside. I say, this is fine with me unless you're uncomfortable, and they say, oh no I'm fine, and then two minutes later they're whining, and they need my permission to change tables, or restaurants, or locations or whatever, and sometimes they need me to facilitate it, too.

This is the annoying part of my sub side - I do want to please people, and I am competent, and if you're uncomfortable then I actually can't be comfortable myself - so we spend FOREVER, not negotiating, but with me trying to tease out what would make him happy, and then making it happen, and it's just these petty things that, frankly, I wouldn't mind doing if I were just told to do it, but all that back and forth makes me CRAZY.

Today I wound up, after more nonsense than I can tell you about whether the table was right, the restaurant was right, etc., etc., just like dating Goldilocks - we were waiting again for a table because the first one was not OK - anyway, I wound up walking a few blocks to another restaurant to scout whether it was quieter, while he waited for the table at restaurant 1. And during that walk I realized that this happens to me on vanilla dates ALL THE TIME. I think I mentioned that I attract passive men - but in a weird karmic sense, as all of these dates are fix-ups and I've never met the men beforehand. And some of them I have seen for quite a while, and this dynamic makes me nuts.

[tessa]

An additional thought...

If you don't pick up those Dominant vibes on that first date...

Run! Run, Forrest, run!!!

[cadence]

I feel like I am missing something here.

The whole reason my relationship has gone in a different direction is related to my submissive side and sex. We have both realized that we want different things and we feel it's best to part ways. We are not leaving on bad terms and we will still be friends. We just want different things.
I think the world of my boyfriend and only want the best things for him. I doubt that I can provide what he wants either.

If I wanted to start dating again, I seriously would rather start dating someone who I know is Dominant rather than try and figure it out months later.
I find that dating someone, getting to know them and enjoying thier company would be kind of dumb, considering that I'll now drop a bomb and tell you I am submissive and I want you to slap me around during sex and humiliate me. I also want to be a service submissive and do everything for you, but you have to appreciate it in a D/s sense. Sure they may be Dominant by chance, but I doubt that the odds would be in my favour.

This isn't the same as being with someone because we both enjoy golfing and the symphony.
The whole point of me being single again is to experience a side of me that I want to experience.
I'm pretty sure that there are Dominants out there who would be compatible with me kinky and vanilla.

[leah06]

[QUOTE=cadence;752104]I find that dating someone, getting to know them and enjoying thier company would be kind of dumb, considering that I'll now drop a bomb and tell you I am submissive and I want you to slap me around during sex and humiliate me. I also want to be a service submissive and do everything for you, but you have to appreciate it in a D/s sense. Sure they may be Dominant by chance, but I doubt that the odds would be in my favour. [QUOTE]

I agree. And they'll all tell you that they are, guess what, Dominant. I don't reveal my desires to men that I date, but I have corresponded with men on CL who've posted interesting vanilla ads, and I've been pretty straightforward with them about what I'm looking for. And you know what? Every single one's response was pretty much, Whoa, that's HOT! But that's just because they think they get to be selfish in bed and make you clean the house too.

I'm feeling particularly bitchy today. Sorry. I think I've had too many new experiences this weekend and It. Does. Not. Compute.

[jeanne]

Thanks to everyone for your thoughtful responses! A couple of things struck me - mirror what I'm feeling...

I don't even know if I'd want to date, and I am with jeanne on the whole why bother, if you know it's not going to be what you are looking for anyway.

It may be that we don't 'know'...but I'd rather start out on a basis of knowing that at least he's a Dom.

I know that poly is more to my liking and it's something I prefer over being monogamous.
I think that for me when I am alone, I'll be seeking out more people who are not vanilla and taking it from there.

Yes. Ditto here. And don't you just think that at first it will be "yay, she fucks around, I can too, this rocks!" and then "geez, I think I might love this person" and finally "hey, I love you, isn't that what you were waiting for? Now you have to stop fucking around and only be with me."

Uh, no. No I don't. I didn't say "I'm poly until the right man comes along."

I just don't even want to go there.

I want to date someone I know is Dominant first and compatible with me on other levels second.

Absolutely. Thanks for saying it so plainly!

But you know what bugs me the most about vanilla dating? It happened to me just now and then I realized that it happens on all vanilla dates that I've been on, and this, Virginia, is how I know that the men are not closet Doms - they can't take a stand on anything.

I didn't quote your entire post, rachel - but this sums it up nicely! I have spent the last 24 years with a man who refused to make a decision. Refused to organize ANYTHING! I had to choose the night, pick the restaurant, make the reservation, find the sitter, choose his clothes and then pay the bill.

NEVER FUCKING AGAIN!!!!!

...they'll all tell you that they are, guess what, Dominant. I don't reveal my desires to men that I date, but I have corresponded with men on CL who've posted interesting vanilla ads, and I've been pretty straightforward with them about what I'm looking for. And you know what? Every single one's response was pretty much, Whoa, that's HOT! But that's just because they think they get to be selfish in bed and make you clean the house too.

I'm laughing...but it's because I think it's so true. I can just hear some supposedly Dom vanilla guy's brain exploding when he gets told by his 'sub' that she is not here to wash his dirty socks, clean his nasty house, and give him a BJ, all while he watches the game, drinks beer, and farts.

I'm feeling particularly bitchy today. Sorry. I think I've had too many new experiences this weekend and It. Does. Not. Compute.

Oh my God. Big ditto here!

Just please remember to deet me all up, chickie.

Oh darlin' you know I will!

[leah06]

Quote:
Originally Posted by rachel
I'm feeling particularly bitchy today. Sorry. I think I've had too many new experiences this weekend and It. Does. Not. Compute.


Oh my God. Big ditto here!

Oh, Jeanne, do tell?

[jeanne]

Oh, Jeanne, do tell?

LOL!!

Let's see...went out with a kinky girlfriend Friday night, dinner and then dancing. That was an interesting experience - my first time 'out on the town' since I left my husband. So what happened? I got asked out on a date by a very distinguished gentleman at the restaurant...and then propositioned at the dance club...by some guy who gave me the creeps.

Then Saturday - lunch with my best friends, then the local munch for newbies, then home for a nap (up till 4 am) then off to a play party that was not my cup of tea. Younger crowd...and when I get interested in WoW, having babies, piercings and tattoos (milord likes my skin pristine), and stringy unwashed hair...I'll be sure to look them up.

So I'm exhausted...and kinda feeling just like you. Bitchy. But, on the bright side...I have a dinner date Tuesday night with a very elegant Dom I met at a party a few weeks ago...and lunch on Saturday with another Dom (younger than me I think, but a very deep smooth voice) that I met at that same party. So one of these days...I may get to have some time on my knees with someone I like and want to obey...and if not, I'll be seeing Milord in the late winter or early spring...and Him I'm compelled to submit to. Not just obey, but give all.

I sure do miss Him.