Non 24/7

[CuriousNYsub]

Hi Guera,

I haven't been on this site long, but I think I can relate to your troubles. I am currently exploring this lifestyle with an old friend of mine. Quick back story - we had a sexual encounter when I was a lot younger (we naturally fell into a D/s type of scene) but never had a relationship, per say. We remained close friends and would "slip up" every once in a while when we were in between vanilla relationships. Recently, we have embarked on a more consistent relationship (but have yet to label it) and are having a great time exploring this world together in the bedroom, although we don't talk about it much outside the bedroom.

My friend has known me a long time, been my best friend even. I think he has always been attracted to me because Im independent and ambitious. In fact, I would go as far to say, until recently, I have retained a lot of the control in this relationship (people used to call me his Estella because he chased me for years).

In the past, when it was really just a bedroom thing, I loved being submissive to him. Still do. But as we approach a more meaningful relationship, I am having a really hard time being submissive outside the bedroom. It feels like a constant power struggle. I'm still interested in exploring it though...but I think he is sensing my apprehension, which is why he isn't pushing the issue...


So, kind of the inverse of your situation? How do I submit to him and retain the dominant side of my personality that I know he loves (and that I'm not ready to lose touch with).

I have another question to throw out to the forum. How did you tranfer from bedroom only to 24/7? And, how do you know when to start talking about it?

[leo9]

How do I submit to him and retain the dominant side of my personality that I know he loves (and that I'm not ready to lose touch with).

I love to dominate strong women, it's what I've done most of my life: I define my perfect partner as "submissive bossy bitch." So I know it can be done, because I've seen some great women do it. As far as I can see, you need to do two things.

(1) Recognise that submitting to him does not change who you are to the rest of the world. To everyone else, you can and should remain the dominant woman he knows and loves. My late wife was known in her office as a tough cookie who wouldn't take shit from anyone. That's the only reason they didn't assume she was abused when she came to work with chain bruises round her neck or whip welts showing above her shirt collar.

(2) Recognise that submissive does not equal weak: it takes admirable strength to be a good sub. He does not want you to turn into a helpless pink bimbo. He wants all your strength, he just wants it to be at his command. Think of the military: it's not weakness when soldiers obey. We love "G.I. Jane," not just for Viggo Mortensen beating up Demi Moore in cuffs, but for the whole theme of a tough super-competent woman proving her strength by submitting to brutal degrading orders.

Hope this helps.

[CuriousNYsub]

I love to dominate strong women, it's what I've done most of my life: I define my perfect partner as "submissive bossy bitch." So I know it can be done, because I've seen some great women do it. As far as I can see, you need to do two things.

(1) Recognise that submitting to him does not change who you are to the rest of the world. To everyone else, you can and should remain the dominant woman he knows and loves. My late wife was known in her office as a tough cookie who wouldn't take shit from anyone. That's the only reason they didn't assume she was abused when she came to work with chain bruises round her neck or whip welts showing above her shirt collar.

(2) Recognise that submissive does not equal weak: it takes admirable strength to be a good sub. He does not want you to turn into a helpless pink bimbo. He wants all your strength, he just wants it to be at his command. Think of the military: it's not weakness when soldiers obey. We love "G.I. Jane," not just for Viggo Mortensen beating up Demi Moore in cuffs, but for the whole theme of a tough super-competent woman proving her strength by submitting to brutal degrading orders.

Hope this helps.

Thanks leo9, this is helpful to me especially since we both struggling to figure out what we are doing and what we each want in terms of D/s, as well as our overall relationship. It's an interesting path - I certainly appreciate all of advice on this site.

Happy New Year!

[Pflutter]

There is so much good info here. I've been struggling with these ideas for a while and will be embroidering some of the quotes on pillows soon.

Having control and or dominance does not imply making every tiny decision. If it does to a partner, theyr looking for more of a parent than a dom/me, from my perspective.

Some people are looking for Daddy, but that's not me.

I hope I get more responses, especailly from subs... That constant craving, how it colors the mind, it mystifies me, though I think.

We aim to please! That constant craving...can be a real PITA, or a great pleasure, right now which it is depends on how much free time I have. I haven't figured out how to make it work in an integrated way yet. I'll add it to the list.

Recognise that submitting to him does not change who you are to the rest of the world.

Recognise that submissive does not equal weak: it takes admirable strength to be a good sub. He does not want you to turn into a helpless pink bimbo. He wants all your strength, he just wants it to be at his command.

Reconciling these ideas is one of the toughest issues I've ever worked on. I don't think leaving either aspect of my personality behind is an option any more. I really like the "packages to open" idea because it acknowledges the struggle without making me feel as if just the existance of a struggle means I'm doing something wrong. The learning curve here is steep, but there are people to help and I'm so grateful for that.